for Beatrice, the Guardian Angel of the Demon Momoka4/11/2021 c1 Joeson
This kind of talent should not just be limited here. The way you arranged the stories is quite amazing. Why don't you join NovelStar's writing competition?
This kind of talent should not just be limited here. The way you arranged the stories is quite amazing. Why don't you join NovelStar's writing competition?
4/5/2017 c1 
2PeachesForMe
Hi, I enjoyed reading this! Here are some overviews of specific parts of the story:
Opening: I wasn't immediately hooked by the first line or so. I don't really know the character, so I wouldn't care what she thinks about her reputation. You fix this problem with the next line- "her kind" is a phrase that draws attention because it starts making you think that we are not dealing with an average teenaged-girl character, and maybe not even that at all. Ending the first paragraph with "nobody cared" sort of reflects the first line and wraps it up well. You showed the reader why that first sentence should pull them in.
Ending: The ending was satisfying because the reader gets the answer they were looking for throughout the chapter- that is, what exactly is Momoka? And what about Beatrice? The simple answer is here. The ending is good because it is not wholly satisfying- I still need to read more to understand what exactly is happening and what is going to happen, so that is a good thing because it draws the reader to the next chapter.
Writing: Your writing style is pretty succinct and to the point. Not too flowery, not too dry. One thing I would suggest is using less descriptions after dialogue. You don't always need words like "cried", "called", etc. Sometimes "said" will do and the reader infers how it is said based on context.
Dialogue: The dialogue is well-written and realistic. The characters keep cutting each other off which may seem annoying, but it is authentic because people do talk in that way. It flows well!
Overall, I enjoyed this. Hope you continue it!
2PeachesForMeHi, I enjoyed reading this! Here are some overviews of specific parts of the story:
Opening: I wasn't immediately hooked by the first line or so. I don't really know the character, so I wouldn't care what she thinks about her reputation. You fix this problem with the next line- "her kind" is a phrase that draws attention because it starts making you think that we are not dealing with an average teenaged-girl character, and maybe not even that at all. Ending the first paragraph with "nobody cared" sort of reflects the first line and wraps it up well. You showed the reader why that first sentence should pull them in.
Ending: The ending was satisfying because the reader gets the answer they were looking for throughout the chapter- that is, what exactly is Momoka? And what about Beatrice? The simple answer is here. The ending is good because it is not wholly satisfying- I still need to read more to understand what exactly is happening and what is going to happen, so that is a good thing because it draws the reader to the next chapter.
Writing: Your writing style is pretty succinct and to the point. Not too flowery, not too dry. One thing I would suggest is using less descriptions after dialogue. You don't always need words like "cried", "called", etc. Sometimes "said" will do and the reader infers how it is said based on context.
Dialogue: The dialogue is well-written and realistic. The characters keep cutting each other off which may seem annoying, but it is authentic because people do talk in that way. It flows well!
Overall, I enjoyed this. Hope you continue it!
2/19/2017 c1 JaveHarron
Okay, your first chapter has some pretty good points to it. The dialogue between Momoka and the angel is fairly distinct, although I look forward to seeing how their narrative voice develops over coming chapters. I think a bit more metaphor or descriptive writing for each character might be good, but you thankfully don't overdo it, unlike me :) Looking forward to see how this goes.
Okay, your first chapter has some pretty good points to it. The dialogue between Momoka and the angel is fairly distinct, although I look forward to seeing how their narrative voice develops over coming chapters. I think a bit more metaphor or descriptive writing for each character might be good, but you thankfully don't overdo it, unlike me :) Looking forward to see how this goes.
11/11/2016 c1 8LorrahBear
I like the concept of this story, and I'm interested to learn how the angel and demon get along. I admit though, I'm perhaps not as impressed as I should be by our main character: she mentions she hasn't taken over anyone in *days*, as if this is a big deal and that should totally get the angels trust. Are you sure that's long enough to win her trust and be impressive?
One suggestion on the telepathic speech - have you thought about using italics instead for now?
I look forward to more!
8LorrahBearI like the concept of this story, and I'm interested to learn how the angel and demon get along. I admit though, I'm perhaps not as impressed as I should be by our main character: she mentions she hasn't taken over anyone in *days*, as if this is a big deal and that should totally get the angels trust. Are you sure that's long enough to win her trust and be impressive?
One suggestion on the telepathic speech - have you thought about using italics instead for now?
I look forward to more!
9/11/2016 c1 1IPAU
I really liked this!
About your usage of the \ sign - would it be possible to use / to start and \ to end? Or using italics instead? Admittedly it's not a perfect solution, but fictionpress is weird.
1IPAUI really liked this!
About your usage of the \ sign - would it be possible to use / to start and \ to end? Or using italics instead? Admittedly it's not a perfect solution, but fictionpress is weird.
9/8/2016 c1 9Sjoorm
"a calm and an aura of confidence" could be changed to just read "a calm aura of confidence".
"That has resumed" should read "that had resumed" if you are going for past tense. in fact, you have a habit of using "has" instead of "had" quite often, I would suggest using ctrlf to search for all the has' that may be out of place.
"I wish you will never have to experience rejection" perhaps you are meaning hope instead of wish in this instance?
Most of the mistakes just seem a bit like awkward dialogue. If you aren't a native English speaker this might be why, if you are though I would suggest reading out your dialogue out loud, maybe even use separate voices for your characters if that helps you, and see where bits of dialogue don't make sense when you read them aloud. (It's what i do, sometimes too often I think :p) Besides these points though, the story is neat and I look forward to reading more about it :)
9Sjoorm"a calm and an aura of confidence" could be changed to just read "a calm aura of confidence".
"That has resumed" should read "that had resumed" if you are going for past tense. in fact, you have a habit of using "has" instead of "had" quite often, I would suggest using ctrlf to search for all the has' that may be out of place.
"I wish you will never have to experience rejection" perhaps you are meaning hope instead of wish in this instance?
Most of the mistakes just seem a bit like awkward dialogue. If you aren't a native English speaker this might be why, if you are though I would suggest reading out your dialogue out loud, maybe even use separate voices for your characters if that helps you, and see where bits of dialogue don't make sense when you read them aloud. (It's what i do, sometimes too often I think :p) Besides these points though, the story is neat and I look forward to reading more about it :)
9/7/2016 c1 1Abelshift
What a beautiful character! Gotta say I'm impressed at how well you've shown Momoka's emotions and thoughts with actions, I could learn from that! What gets me is how this single chapter has a few different 'speeds' in its pacing and direction, which I expect in chapter breaks, yet fools me into thinking it's still the same chapter. Your transitions are perfect. At 5000 words, you pulled me into a genre of storytelling I never before liked - and I love it. Even though it's the first chapter and all, you still gave just enough background lore to grab me without making it too much of an info-dump. In fact, they'res a lot less info on the underworld than I thought I'd see in a first chapter...you got a reader, keep this one up!
1AbelshiftWhat a beautiful character! Gotta say I'm impressed at how well you've shown Momoka's emotions and thoughts with actions, I could learn from that! What gets me is how this single chapter has a few different 'speeds' in its pacing and direction, which I expect in chapter breaks, yet fools me into thinking it's still the same chapter. Your transitions are perfect. At 5000 words, you pulled me into a genre of storytelling I never before liked - and I love it. Even though it's the first chapter and all, you still gave just enough background lore to grab me without making it too much of an info-dump. In fact, they'res a lot less info on the underworld than I thought I'd see in a first chapter...you got a reader, keep this one up!