for Magi-lopolis7/8/2023 c5 
39Starart152
This looks like Jun is going to participate in an extremely dangerous mission to get rubles. He accepted because he got caught up in Ryoko's charm.
I really like the ending where he knew he would regret it and panicked once she was gone.
39Starart152This looks like Jun is going to participate in an extremely dangerous mission to get rubles. He accepted because he got caught up in Ryoko's charm.
I really like the ending where he knew he would regret it and panicked once she was gone.
7/8/2023 c4 Starart152
This is a chapter where there is little happening, but I am enjoying this chapter and the interactions of the characters together. It naturally gives some nice world-building and how the Government saw Valen as a person and by his idea of freedom.
This is a chapter where there is little happening, but I am enjoying this chapter and the interactions of the characters together. It naturally gives some nice world-building and how the Government saw Valen as a person and by his idea of freedom.
7/5/2023 c3 Starart152
This is a fun little moment between Jun and Ryoko. There is little to the plot, but there is a lot implied about what Ryoki is doing with her guest.
There is something in her plan that was extremely terrifying for the previous ones, but it hasn't been revealed yet in this chapter.
This is a fun little moment between Jun and Ryoko. There is little to the plot, but there is a lot implied about what Ryoki is doing with her guest.
There is something in her plan that was extremely terrifying for the previous ones, but it hasn't been revealed yet in this chapter.
8/22/2021 c1 3Flute Ocean
A short but pretty intriguing and well detailed opening. Not too much revealed of the world or what's going on so far, but what was shown gives a hint of ominousness and that all is not too right in the world, so it worked well as a hook. Interesting to see what happens from here, and how the protagonist got into this situation and who the other character might turn out to be.
3Flute OceanA short but pretty intriguing and well detailed opening. Not too much revealed of the world or what's going on so far, but what was shown gives a hint of ominousness and that all is not too right in the world, so it worked well as a hook. Interesting to see what happens from here, and how the protagonist got into this situation and who the other character might turn out to be.
8/22/2021 c2 39Starart152
This is a nice world building you give here. Jun gave us his knowledge of the world and it is obviously just the basic one. Wasn't expecting the aliens when magic was introduced.
Jun must have a very god reason not to be able to return to his home if after being robbed, he stated that he couldn't go back.
As for 'Ryoko'. She is a woman who is filled with mysteries waiting to be solved.
39Starart152This is a nice world building you give here. Jun gave us his knowledge of the world and it is obviously just the basic one. Wasn't expecting the aliens when magic was introduced.
Jun must have a very god reason not to be able to return to his home if after being robbed, he stated that he couldn't go back.
As for 'Ryoko'. She is a woman who is filled with mysteries waiting to be solved.
8/21/2021 c1 Starart152
This is a nice introduction to our main character Mister Mm-hmm-mmf. We know little of him, but his current situation gives us a clue of the dangerous world he is living in.
There is little information of the world he is living in, but it hook the readers by giving something interesting without giving info-dump at the start of the story.
This is a nice introduction to our main character Mister Mm-hmm-mmf. We know little of him, but his current situation gives us a clue of the dangerous world he is living in.
There is little information of the world he is living in, but it hook the readers by giving something interesting without giving info-dump at the start of the story.
6/28/2017 c2 19dmasterxd
I REALLY love this dialogue. Also Ryoko is getting even more awesome by the second. How she doesn't understand sarcasm is just gold lol. But this mystery surrounding her being an Invisible is also very interesting. And then Jun has his own mysteries it seems as he wasn't revealing why he came to Tokyo so curious about that as well. Some good worldbuilding with how magic came into the world as well.
Good chapter!
19dmasterxdI REALLY love this dialogue. Also Ryoko is getting even more awesome by the second. How she doesn't understand sarcasm is just gold lol. But this mystery surrounding her being an Invisible is also very interesting. And then Jun has his own mysteries it seems as he wasn't revealing why he came to Tokyo so curious about that as well. Some good worldbuilding with how magic came into the world as well.
Good chapter!
6/27/2017 c1 dmasterxd
I already like this girl, haha. Jun seems like he could be a fun character as well. Your descriptions are really nice and I like the prose you use. I'm very interested in seeing what the girl was talking about and where this story goes in general.
I already like this girl, haha. Jun seems like he could be a fun character as well. Your descriptions are really nice and I like the prose you use. I'm very interested in seeing what the girl was talking about and where this story goes in general.
3/19/2017 c9 1Tomoyuki Tanaka
Wow. That's a lot of dialogue. I guess it's necessary to advance the plot, but it really feels like nothing is happening. Jun and Ryoko finally make their move last chapter and it's just them beginning their journey. Then we switch back to Mikhail and friends. Okay, I get this is all top-secret and stuff, but instead of providing a viewpoint from the antagonists, I wonder if it's better if the protagonists actually uncover all this detail by themselves. I don't know if that will work better, just a suggestion (and a very poor one at that so I apologize).
I don't really mind the honorifics, so you can write whatever and however you want. I'm open to all stylistic choices. I think the delivery will not suffer either way, but that's because I'm used to both ends of the spectrum.
The story so far...? Well, there's a lot of dialogue, talking, no action and not much magic that justifies the fantasy tag. I was half-expecting...I dunno, flying cars, fireballs, demihumans and stuff (I think I've read too much manga/web novels and watched too much anime), but this could just take place in alternate history with scientific experiments giving psychic powers and it woudn't need to be fantasy or magical at all. It just lacks that "magic" feel, if you get what I'm saying.
Other than that, it's well written, clear, coherent, and the characters are superbly developed. The pacing is a bit off, I guess, but the characters more than make up for it, and I like how you tease here and there about deeper aspects of their personalities or past. It makes them intriguing and I can't help but root for them.
Looking forward to an update, though it's been 6 months, so I hope nothing untoward has happened.
1Tomoyuki TanakaWow. That's a lot of dialogue. I guess it's necessary to advance the plot, but it really feels like nothing is happening. Jun and Ryoko finally make their move last chapter and it's just them beginning their journey. Then we switch back to Mikhail and friends. Okay, I get this is all top-secret and stuff, but instead of providing a viewpoint from the antagonists, I wonder if it's better if the protagonists actually uncover all this detail by themselves. I don't know if that will work better, just a suggestion (and a very poor one at that so I apologize).
I don't really mind the honorifics, so you can write whatever and however you want. I'm open to all stylistic choices. I think the delivery will not suffer either way, but that's because I'm used to both ends of the spectrum.
The story so far...? Well, there's a lot of dialogue, talking, no action and not much magic that justifies the fantasy tag. I was half-expecting...I dunno, flying cars, fireballs, demihumans and stuff (I think I've read too much manga/web novels and watched too much anime), but this could just take place in alternate history with scientific experiments giving psychic powers and it woudn't need to be fantasy or magical at all. It just lacks that "magic" feel, if you get what I'm saying.
Other than that, it's well written, clear, coherent, and the characters are superbly developed. The pacing is a bit off, I guess, but the characters more than make up for it, and I like how you tease here and there about deeper aspects of their personalities or past. It makes them intriguing and I can't help but root for them.
Looking forward to an update, though it's been 6 months, so I hope nothing untoward has happened.
3/19/2017 c8 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Huh? So instead of going with Ryoko's plan and Jun helping her, they end up tracking down the guys that mugged Jun instead?
Then again they're crossing the wall in 2 hours so I guess that might be related, or they're going ahead with the plan anyway. Gosh, I'm confusing myself.
At least this chapter reveals a bit more about Ryoko's character. She had Jun's wallet and ID all along! Um...wow. Yeah, she's definitely not someone to be trusted. All that "I left the door unlocked" and letting him run away whenever he wanted, so...if Jun didn't agree to help her and ran off instead, she would never have returned his wallet or ID?
That's not exactly very nice...
Huh? So instead of going with Ryoko's plan and Jun helping her, they end up tracking down the guys that mugged Jun instead?
Then again they're crossing the wall in 2 hours so I guess that might be related, or they're going ahead with the plan anyway. Gosh, I'm confusing myself.
At least this chapter reveals a bit more about Ryoko's character. She had Jun's wallet and ID all along! Um...wow. Yeah, she's definitely not someone to be trusted. All that "I left the door unlocked" and letting him run away whenever he wanted, so...if Jun didn't agree to help her and ran off instead, she would never have returned his wallet or ID?
That's not exactly very nice...
3/19/2017 c7 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Uh, yes...more dialogue.
let me get this straight. This is supposed to be a fantasy and sci-fi story, right? Where exactly are all the fantasy and sci-fi elements? Right now it reads more like a mystery thriller, with all this dialogue, scheming, conspiracies and planning. There's not much action - then again, there's not much action in a mystery story either. Up till now I have yet to see anything "fantasy"-ish or magical about the story. You talk a lot about magic in the story, it's mentioned by the Ramen lady, Ryoko's supposed to be a witch, but at this point, 7 chapters into the story, I have not seen remotely anything witchlike about her or anything about her magic powers. It's like...I don't know. A lot of telling, with Ryoko's exposition about magical surgery and her suffering at the hands of the Russians being the only link, but no literal showing of her using magic. Yeah, superhuman strength is cool and all, but up till now it's just...traces of it? Or used for slapstick comedic effect? It doesn't feel genuine or real. I don't know.
Maybe I'm just being impatient, but somehow I feel the pacing is a bit off?
Uh, yes...more dialogue.
let me get this straight. This is supposed to be a fantasy and sci-fi story, right? Where exactly are all the fantasy and sci-fi elements? Right now it reads more like a mystery thriller, with all this dialogue, scheming, conspiracies and planning. There's not much action - then again, there's not much action in a mystery story either. Up till now I have yet to see anything "fantasy"-ish or magical about the story. You talk a lot about magic in the story, it's mentioned by the Ramen lady, Ryoko's supposed to be a witch, but at this point, 7 chapters into the story, I have not seen remotely anything witchlike about her or anything about her magic powers. It's like...I don't know. A lot of telling, with Ryoko's exposition about magical surgery and her suffering at the hands of the Russians being the only link, but no literal showing of her using magic. Yeah, superhuman strength is cool and all, but up till now it's just...traces of it? Or used for slapstick comedic effect? It doesn't feel genuine or real. I don't know.
Maybe I'm just being impatient, but somehow I feel the pacing is a bit off?
3/19/2017 c6 Tomoyuki Tanaka
...what the heck was the point of this chapter?!
The only useful detail I got out of that was Jun's brief flashback and most likely he's being abused. I like that. That was good. That showed glimpses of Jun's true character and past without being overly expositive about it. It was subtle and brief, and excellently done.
The rest of the chapter...uh...okay...I'm not sure what to make of it. And they're still in the damned apartment.
...what the heck was the point of this chapter?!
The only useful detail I got out of that was Jun's brief flashback and most likely he's being abused. I like that. That was good. That showed glimpses of Jun's true character and past without being overly expositive about it. It was subtle and brief, and excellently done.
The rest of the chapter...uh...okay...I'm not sure what to make of it. And they're still in the damned apartment.
3/19/2017 c5 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Yes, Jun is crazy. And it's still nothing but dialogue. Jeez, just execute the plan already. 5 chapters in and they're still in the apartment?!
Yeah, I get the details are important, but I wonder if all those threats are really needed. The scary "operate surgery on you" and organs stuff just don't feel real unless they're actually in the midst of it, maybe? Or maybe it's because they're still talking 5 chapters into the story and nothing is actually happening? I'm probably the impatient reader, so it's probably just me, but I'm like, wondering when they'll actually move and progress the story already.
Yes, Jun is crazy. And it's still nothing but dialogue. Jeez, just execute the plan already. 5 chapters in and they're still in the apartment?!
Yeah, I get the details are important, but I wonder if all those threats are really needed. The scary "operate surgery on you" and organs stuff just don't feel real unless they're actually in the midst of it, maybe? Or maybe it's because they're still talking 5 chapters into the story and nothing is actually happening? I'm probably the impatient reader, so it's probably just me, but I'm like, wondering when they'll actually move and progress the story already.
3/19/2017 c4 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Oho, so I'm guessing these must be the antagonists. I don't know what to make of this, I mean 4 chapters in and it's still dialogue and no action. Conspiracies are fine and all, but when is someone actually going to do something?
Oho, so I'm guessing these must be the antagonists. I don't know what to make of this, I mean 4 chapters in and it's still dialogue and no action. Conspiracies are fine and all, but when is someone actually going to do something?
3/19/2017 c2 Tomoyuki Tanaka
This gets more and more intriguing. It's kind of convenient to refer to the girl as "you" or the girl, so I hope she gives Jun something to call her by. At least Akagi Ryoko is more...sociable.
And the girl's attitude is annoying. Damn, you only saved him just so he can help you, and you literally threatened him with a pair of scissors, so why does he have to feel gratitude to you? Well, I see that you're building up a mysterious profile for her to hook the readers in, so that probably is the point. I can't wait to see where this goes.
This gets more and more intriguing. It's kind of convenient to refer to the girl as "you" or the girl, so I hope she gives Jun something to call her by. At least Akagi Ryoko is more...sociable.
And the girl's attitude is annoying. Damn, you only saved him just so he can help you, and you literally threatened him with a pair of scissors, so why does he have to feel gratitude to you? Well, I see that you're building up a mysterious profile for her to hook the readers in, so that probably is the point. I can't wait to see where this goes.