for Whisper4/29/2018 c2 
6AngryFerrets
Flows perfectly from the prologue. Her nice, quiet, peaceful life is getting a hard yank. Love the description of the man on the bus, or rather, lack of one. The focus is clearly on his teeth and we can't remember any of the details either because the POV was clean and kept us seeing and feeling things from Vivian's perspective. Nice contrast to the guy at lunch, who although seemingly comes across as a threat as well, isn't presented in a threatening manner.
The right questions are there, (how does he know her name, how does he know about the man on the bus?) to keep me hooked and wanting to read more.
6AngryFerretsFlows perfectly from the prologue. Her nice, quiet, peaceful life is getting a hard yank. Love the description of the man on the bus, or rather, lack of one. The focus is clearly on his teeth and we can't remember any of the details either because the POV was clean and kept us seeing and feeling things from Vivian's perspective. Nice contrast to the guy at lunch, who although seemingly comes across as a threat as well, isn't presented in a threatening manner.
The right questions are there, (how does he know her name, how does he know about the man on the bus?) to keep me hooked and wanting to read more.
4/29/2018 c1 AngryFerrets
So happy to see this coming back. The hook is set. The prologue just long enough to pique my interest and lead me to want to know more.
So happy to see this coming back. The hook is set. The prologue just long enough to pique my interest and lead me to want to know more.
2/15/2018 c6 9The Warrior Poet
You lull us into a false sense of security here.
Vivian takes another day off, watches the news, sleeps and dreams. Then, at the end, you pull the rug out from underneath us.
The true form of the body thief is indeed creepy, though his callous use of the woman’s spirit body is nearly as disturbing.
I knew there was more to Harold the cat than just a friendly companion. Vincent’s special daggers seem to indicate the same fact. This should be an interesting confrontation.
9The Warrior PoetYou lull us into a false sense of security here.
Vivian takes another day off, watches the news, sleeps and dreams. Then, at the end, you pull the rug out from underneath us.
The true form of the body thief is indeed creepy, though his callous use of the woman’s spirit body is nearly as disturbing.
I knew there was more to Harold the cat than just a friendly companion. Vincent’s special daggers seem to indicate the same fact. This should be an interesting confrontation.
2/15/2018 c5 The Warrior Poet
You might consider being a bit more sparing with your comma usage. This is a problem that I myself fall in from time to time. One example:
“It is painted such a deep shade of purple, that in the dim light filtering through the cloud covered sky, I nearly mistake if for black. Although clearly ancient and uninhabited, no windows are broken, and when I finally reach the home, I am surprised that the steps up the porch do not creak under my weight.”
You shouldn’t need commas after purple, sky, and home.
The dream sequence was very well described and I definitely get a clear mental picture as I read.
Richard seems nice, though with everything happening I can’t help but feel a little suspicious of his interest in connecting her with “Andrew”.
Very curious to see what happens next.
You might consider being a bit more sparing with your comma usage. This is a problem that I myself fall in from time to time. One example:
“It is painted such a deep shade of purple, that in the dim light filtering through the cloud covered sky, I nearly mistake if for black. Although clearly ancient and uninhabited, no windows are broken, and when I finally reach the home, I am surprised that the steps up the porch do not creak under my weight.”
You shouldn’t need commas after purple, sky, and home.
The dream sequence was very well described and I definitely get a clear mental picture as I read.
Richard seems nice, though with everything happening I can’t help but feel a little suspicious of his interest in connecting her with “Andrew”.
Very curious to see what happens next.
2/14/2018 c6 2Sir Scott
The body thief seems pretty scary. It was cool that the cat had some power.
~Sir Scott
2Sir ScottThe body thief seems pretty scary. It was cool that the cat had some power.
~Sir Scott
2/13/2018 c4 9The Warrior Poet
I can feel the relief that Vivian experiences when she leaves the street and enters the sanctuary of her apartment. I am left to wonder, though, just how protected the dwelling is from Too White Teeth?
It was nice to see Vivian doing what she does with spirits. She possesses a very special power.
Harold the Cat is a bit of a character himself.
Very curious about what Teeth Too-White is planning, and what Vivian is going to do to protect herself.
9The Warrior PoetI can feel the relief that Vivian experiences when she leaves the street and enters the sanctuary of her apartment. I am left to wonder, though, just how protected the dwelling is from Too White Teeth?
It was nice to see Vivian doing what she does with spirits. She possesses a very special power.
Harold the Cat is a bit of a character himself.
Very curious about what Teeth Too-White is planning, and what Vivian is going to do to protect herself.
2/13/2018 c5 70BradytheJust
"Wrapped around my head like a cat-hat"
Aww, so cute! Good thing Vivian has a new ally and more importantly a new friend. :)
Now we have Andrew coming into play, and I've got a feeling that things will be more dangerous before they get better.
Amazing chapters and I had a great morning reading this story.
70BradytheJust"Wrapped around my head like a cat-hat"
Aww, so cute! Good thing Vivian has a new ally and more importantly a new friend. :)
Now we have Andrew coming into play, and I've got a feeling that things will be more dangerous before they get better.
Amazing chapters and I had a great morning reading this story.
2/13/2018 c4 BradytheJust
My goodness, I love Harold :)
You described shifting very well, and I enjoyed watching Vivian run two blocks, then attempt to drag herself up the stairs (I don't like to work out, so I felt sorry for her.)
I also felt really touched when Viv asked Vincent to protected her. So adorable and sweet.
My goodness, I love Harold :)
You described shifting very well, and I enjoyed watching Vivian run two blocks, then attempt to drag herself up the stairs (I don't like to work out, so I felt sorry for her.)
I also felt really touched when Viv asked Vincent to protected her. So adorable and sweet.
2/13/2018 c3 BradytheJust
Holy heck!
Seriously, this is why you are such a great writer Lorrah. I know what happens and yet you manage to drag me back in and experience so many emotions all over again.
Great job with descriptions, emotions, and really getting us into Vivian's head!
*gives Vivian a hug* Things will get better!
Holy heck!
Seriously, this is why you are such a great writer Lorrah. I know what happens and yet you manage to drag me back in and experience so many emotions all over again.
Great job with descriptions, emotions, and really getting us into Vivian's head!
*gives Vivian a hug* Things will get better!
2/5/2018 c3 9The Warrior Poet
Your writing has exceptional flow. It has a very singsong quality to it, aided I think by your use of repetition. Repetition can be bad if used improperly, but you use it very effectively. One example that I can quote is this one:
"I yank my wrist from his hand, and take a step back. One, glorious step back. A step made of my own volition."
I like the way you repeat "step" here, and seem to build around the word with each progressive sentence. It comes off sounding very lyrical that way, and gives a very nice stylistic touch to your prose. Any way that you can make your prose stand out as individual to you will be to your benefit as a writer.
The mystery surrounding the man with too-white teeth grows. He apparently has some way of manipulating spirits, and perhaps that is why he is drawn to Vivian. Looking forward to where the story goes next!
9The Warrior PoetYour writing has exceptional flow. It has a very singsong quality to it, aided I think by your use of repetition. Repetition can be bad if used improperly, but you use it very effectively. One example that I can quote is this one:
"I yank my wrist from his hand, and take a step back. One, glorious step back. A step made of my own volition."
I like the way you repeat "step" here, and seem to build around the word with each progressive sentence. It comes off sounding very lyrical that way, and gives a very nice stylistic touch to your prose. Any way that you can make your prose stand out as individual to you will be to your benefit as a writer.
The mystery surrounding the man with too-white teeth grows. He apparently has some way of manipulating spirits, and perhaps that is why he is drawn to Vivian. Looking forward to where the story goes next!
2/3/2018 c2 The Warrior Poet
Again we have the same mood as the prologue.
The supernatural existing beside the mundane. A facade of normalcy that begins to break down the harder and closer you look at it. Just like the man with the “too white” teeth. An illusion, apparently, but concealing what? Something not-so-handsome if I were to hazard a guess.
We get a somewhat short sketch of Vivian as a character here as well. Lives alone. Not overly concerned with impeccable looks (as evidenced by the “lazy pony tail.”) You can sense her isolation. She is clearly not used to people approaching her to engage her in small talk. In short, she seems in the world but not of the world. Not the world of the of the living, anyway.
Very good job of “show not tell”. There has been very little exposition so far, and that is a good precedent to follow. The more you can accomplish without falling into info dumps the better off your story will be.
Again we have the same mood as the prologue.
The supernatural existing beside the mundane. A facade of normalcy that begins to break down the harder and closer you look at it. Just like the man with the “too white” teeth. An illusion, apparently, but concealing what? Something not-so-handsome if I were to hazard a guess.
We get a somewhat short sketch of Vivian as a character here as well. Lives alone. Not overly concerned with impeccable looks (as evidenced by the “lazy pony tail.”) You can sense her isolation. She is clearly not used to people approaching her to engage her in small talk. In short, she seems in the world but not of the world. Not the world of the of the living, anyway.
Very good job of “show not tell”. There has been very little exposition so far, and that is a good precedent to follow. The more you can accomplish without falling into info dumps the better off your story will be.
2/3/2018 c1 The Warrior Poet
A short -but effective- prologue.
You establish a very specific mood to your story right away. Ostensibly, the girl’s association with an imaginary friend is a fond one. Looking closer, though, hints that there is something not quite right about the blue boy and the girl’s friendship with him.
A great little hook.
A short -but effective- prologue.
You establish a very specific mood to your story right away. Ostensibly, the girl’s association with an imaginary friend is a fond one. Looking closer, though, hints that there is something not quite right about the blue boy and the girl’s friendship with him.
A great little hook.
1/29/2018 c5 2Sir Scott
I like how she gave the woman peace in the last chapter and the dream was pretty cool too. It's nice to see that she is bonding with Vincent in a weird sort of way. I hope you update soon.
~Sir Scott
2Sir ScottI like how she gave the woman peace in the last chapter and the dream was pretty cool too. It's nice to see that she is bonding with Vincent in a weird sort of way. I hope you update soon.
~Sir Scott
1/22/2018 c2 70BradytheJust
Aww... Harold :D (He is my favorite character and I just love the way you describe him!)
"Shadows exist in the corners but sometimes they have faces, sometimes they need help, sometimes they have claws." Perfect sentence right here!
Even though I've read this story before, you've still got me on the edge of my seat and feeling the same aspect of fear that Vivian does.
Great job as always Lorrah! :D
70BradytheJustAww... Harold :D (He is my favorite character and I just love the way you describe him!)
"Shadows exist in the corners but sometimes they have faces, sometimes they need help, sometimes they have claws." Perfect sentence right here!
Even though I've read this story before, you've still got me on the edge of my seat and feeling the same aspect of fear that Vivian does.
Great job as always Lorrah! :D