for A Darkness Within5/25/2018 c16 
9The Warrior Poet
If the Baron ends up catching up to the party, I am worried about all of the havoc he will be able to wreak with the volcanoes that make up the islands. I don’t know exactly how the stones operate, but if he has control over the element of fire I can only imagine what he might be able to do with such a powerful source of magic. That would be a fiery end indeed.
You are doing a good job of showing the divisions that exist among the islanders, and how the arrival of the party is shaking everything up like dice in a Yahtzee cup. I’m not sure where I fall when it comes to the Seer -he could be either a help or a hindrance but only time will tell.
You seem to be going with a slow burn on the relationship between Ahanna and Faux, which is a good idea considering how fresh the loss of Lydia remains.
9The Warrior PoetIf the Baron ends up catching up to the party, I am worried about all of the havoc he will be able to wreak with the volcanoes that make up the islands. I don’t know exactly how the stones operate, but if he has control over the element of fire I can only imagine what he might be able to do with such a powerful source of magic. That would be a fiery end indeed.
You are doing a good job of showing the divisions that exist among the islanders, and how the arrival of the party is shaking everything up like dice in a Yahtzee cup. I’m not sure where I fall when it comes to the Seer -he could be either a help or a hindrance but only time will tell.
You seem to be going with a slow burn on the relationship between Ahanna and Faux, which is a good idea considering how fresh the loss of Lydia remains.
5/1/2018 c15 The Warrior Poet
It was nice to return to your world again!
The islanders seem like an interesting culture. I love how the woman keeps interrupting Heranto and basically tells him where he can shove his orders.
The Seer may be able to provide more insight about the stones and give us a hint of what is to come. I am looking forward to hearing more about her dreams and what they have to tell about the quest.
The moment between the islander woman and Aboleth was curious and leads me to believe that he has an important role to play in keeping Uhdros at bay. I hope that whatever he learns about his destiny will aid him in overcoming his hopelessness.
Aboleth is probably my favorite character, and to see him filled with a powerful sense of purpose again would be incredibly satisfying. Not to mention terrifying for the forces of evil.
It was nice to return to your world again!
The islanders seem like an interesting culture. I love how the woman keeps interrupting Heranto and basically tells him where he can shove his orders.
The Seer may be able to provide more insight about the stones and give us a hint of what is to come. I am looking forward to hearing more about her dreams and what they have to tell about the quest.
The moment between the islander woman and Aboleth was curious and leads me to believe that he has an important role to play in keeping Uhdros at bay. I hope that whatever he learns about his destiny will aid him in overcoming his hopelessness.
Aboleth is probably my favorite character, and to see him filled with a powerful sense of purpose again would be incredibly satisfying. Not to mention terrifying for the forces of evil.
5/1/2018 c8 43zanybellecloudo
Ooh an interesting development and a new quest awaits! I wonder if they'll manage to find the stones and destroy them or in a twist will Faux's darkening ways be their downfall? I like all possibilities. Another well written and intriguing story. I'm glad you kept writing and believe in yourself because it has shaped your work for the better. Always write for yourself and the audience will follow. Thanks for sharing, ZB.
43zanybellecloudoOoh an interesting development and a new quest awaits! I wonder if they'll manage to find the stones and destroy them or in a twist will Faux's darkening ways be their downfall? I like all possibilities. Another well written and intriguing story. I'm glad you kept writing and believe in yourself because it has shaped your work for the better. Always write for yourself and the audience will follow. Thanks for sharing, ZB.
5/1/2018 c7 zanybellecloudo
I liked the pace of this scene, plus it showed a different side to Faux. I'm glad they got the shield back although for a moment I thought the task impossible. Surely they would be caught and hanged! Glad it worked out. Also, I'm liking the word "bedraggled". Great work and character development. Keep writing! ZB.
I liked the pace of this scene, plus it showed a different side to Faux. I'm glad they got the shield back although for a moment I thought the task impossible. Surely they would be caught and hanged! Glad it worked out. Also, I'm liking the word "bedraggled". Great work and character development. Keep writing! ZB.
4/13/2018 c6 zanybellecloudo
I’ve said this before and I still prefer the reference of ‘Fallen/Blessed One’ from the first original book, but that’s just because it makes it easier to remember whether the deity is good or bad rather than by their names. Anyway, I loved the description of the priest and especially Faux’s reaction to meeting him! Haha! But I wonder if an addition of Faux’s thought process when the priest calls for their arres, in-between Aboelth’s protests would be worth having? I felt I could picture him assessing the downfall of the situation – or did it not surprise him?
After “No, I’m correcting one.” I’d put a line break to show the end of a scene (also I loved this whole scene! Argh, those jerks!)
Finally, it was really interesting how you reminded us of Faux’s cold, assassin side (and bitterness following the death of Lydia still being raw) in contrast to his partner and how opposite their belief systems are. What a great way to end the chapter. Brilliant writing and it had such an easy flow that I read it without stopping. Thanks for keeping this story going, I’m so glad I picked this back up because I’m enjoying the story immensely. ZB.
I’ve said this before and I still prefer the reference of ‘Fallen/Blessed One’ from the first original book, but that’s just because it makes it easier to remember whether the deity is good or bad rather than by their names. Anyway, I loved the description of the priest and especially Faux’s reaction to meeting him! Haha! But I wonder if an addition of Faux’s thought process when the priest calls for their arres, in-between Aboelth’s protests would be worth having? I felt I could picture him assessing the downfall of the situation – or did it not surprise him?
After “No, I’m correcting one.” I’d put a line break to show the end of a scene (also I loved this whole scene! Argh, those jerks!)
Finally, it was really interesting how you reminded us of Faux’s cold, assassin side (and bitterness following the death of Lydia still being raw) in contrast to his partner and how opposite their belief systems are. What a great way to end the chapter. Brilliant writing and it had such an easy flow that I read it without stopping. Thanks for keeping this story going, I’m so glad I picked this back up because I’m enjoying the story immensely. ZB.
4/13/2018 c5 zanybellecloudo
I really like how the first part of Chapter 5 highlights the affection between the characters, especially Thom and Aboleth (I’ve also always really admired your originality in name choices too!). It is important to show they are a tight-knit group and trust each other. I also like that Grim is a ‘dangerous looking man’ haha. Excellent quips by Thom, a funny and realistic chapter in terms of the group’s interactions.
I also value the explanation and thought behind how sorcerers use the elemental magic and the complexity of this, very clever.
I may opt for a break at the part where the two girls leave to get the tea just to break up the chapter with a line. A scene shift sometimes can help the pace, although the description of the building is very good so I would not get rid of that.
Brilliant chapter over all, I love the rise of tension at the end and wonder what this Arch Lector will do about it all. Thanks for sharing your work, ZB.
I really like how the first part of Chapter 5 highlights the affection between the characters, especially Thom and Aboleth (I’ve also always really admired your originality in name choices too!). It is important to show they are a tight-knit group and trust each other. I also like that Grim is a ‘dangerous looking man’ haha. Excellent quips by Thom, a funny and realistic chapter in terms of the group’s interactions.
I also value the explanation and thought behind how sorcerers use the elemental magic and the complexity of this, very clever.
I may opt for a break at the part where the two girls leave to get the tea just to break up the chapter with a line. A scene shift sometimes can help the pace, although the description of the building is very good so I would not get rid of that.
Brilliant chapter over all, I love the rise of tension at the end and wonder what this Arch Lector will do about it all. Thanks for sharing your work, ZB.
2/24/2018 c14 9The Warrior Poet
“Various crates were stacked along the ships sides, held in place by a haphazard collection of ropes and nets knotted to one another. Casks and barrels of different sizes, bound together or in singles, littered the hold in an organized disarray. Most were tied to stout iron rings bolted to the floor boards, while a few were left free, their ropes having burst during their flight from Rockwater.”
With the aid of your vibrant descriptions, even the hold of a ship takes on a unique character of its own. I can’t emphasize enough how good you are at doing this.
This was a great chapter for laying everything out and pulling The Captain into the fold as it were. I guess with everything he has had to put up with he deserves to be given some idea of the importance of their quest.
Setting up a little love triangle with the Captain/Ahanna/ Faux. Those are always fun. Grimwald and Jinx’s burgeoning relationship is of interest as well, though their connection seems to take second stage. Meanwhile, our dwarven cousins are left out in the cold. Ah well, Love is sometimes more trouble than its worth.
The islands sound like a fascinating and dangerous place. I am very interested to see who lives there, and what sort of danger the party will have to face to collect what they seek.
9The Warrior Poet“Various crates were stacked along the ships sides, held in place by a haphazard collection of ropes and nets knotted to one another. Casks and barrels of different sizes, bound together or in singles, littered the hold in an organized disarray. Most were tied to stout iron rings bolted to the floor boards, while a few were left free, their ropes having burst during their flight from Rockwater.”
With the aid of your vibrant descriptions, even the hold of a ship takes on a unique character of its own. I can’t emphasize enough how good you are at doing this.
This was a great chapter for laying everything out and pulling The Captain into the fold as it were. I guess with everything he has had to put up with he deserves to be given some idea of the importance of their quest.
Setting up a little love triangle with the Captain/Ahanna/ Faux. Those are always fun. Grimwald and Jinx’s burgeoning relationship is of interest as well, though their connection seems to take second stage. Meanwhile, our dwarven cousins are left out in the cold. Ah well, Love is sometimes more trouble than its worth.
The islands sound like a fascinating and dangerous place. I am very interested to see who lives there, and what sort of danger the party will have to face to collect what they seek.
2/20/2018 c13 The Warrior Poet
A nice conclusion to the battle.
It seems that Ahanna is beginning to discover her power right in the nick of time, especially considering their pursuit of the Elemental Stone. Will she be able to learn enough to wield the stone if they can retrieve it? Only time will tell.
It seems that Faux is finally beginning to come to his senses. Then again, it has seemed like that a few times and the half-elf always manages to sink back into his old habits. A realistic character trait.
I can sense Faux’s apprehension at pursuing a relationship so soon after losing Lydia. Love is weird, though, and tends to follow its own rules.
A solid chapter all-in-all as the party lives to fight another day.
A nice conclusion to the battle.
It seems that Ahanna is beginning to discover her power right in the nick of time, especially considering their pursuit of the Elemental Stone. Will she be able to learn enough to wield the stone if they can retrieve it? Only time will tell.
It seems that Faux is finally beginning to come to his senses. Then again, it has seemed like that a few times and the half-elf always manages to sink back into his old habits. A realistic character trait.
I can sense Faux’s apprehension at pursuing a relationship so soon after losing Lydia. Love is weird, though, and tends to follow its own rules.
A solid chapter all-in-all as the party lives to fight another day.
2/9/2018 c12 The Warrior Poet
I have never written a true naval battle scene before (though that may be coming sometime down the line on ‘Soldier Jack’) so it was nice to read this as an example of a good way to do it.
This chapter had nice, swift pacing that still manages to give me a clear picture of what is occurring and manages to exhilarate at the same time.
"You clearly draw trouble as bloodied bait fish draw the gulls“
Haha, I love this line. Not only does it fit the character well it also just so happens to be true. Making “bait fish” one word will make it snap a little more and may aid with your flow.
I can’t imagine that this Captain will want to transport the party again -not if he wants his ship and crew to remain in one piece.
A little bit of tension between Ahanna and Faux here. I am interested to see what develops there. How far does Ahanna’s forgiveness actually go?
I have never written a true naval battle scene before (though that may be coming sometime down the line on ‘Soldier Jack’) so it was nice to read this as an example of a good way to do it.
This chapter had nice, swift pacing that still manages to give me a clear picture of what is occurring and manages to exhilarate at the same time.
"You clearly draw trouble as bloodied bait fish draw the gulls“
Haha, I love this line. Not only does it fit the character well it also just so happens to be true. Making “bait fish” one word will make it snap a little more and may aid with your flow.
I can’t imagine that this Captain will want to transport the party again -not if he wants his ship and crew to remain in one piece.
A little bit of tension between Ahanna and Faux here. I am interested to see what develops there. How far does Ahanna’s forgiveness actually go?
2/3/2018 c14 8LorrahBear
I'm really enjoying Jinx and Grimwald's tenative attraction, despite my long-held dislike of Jinx. Well done, turning my own emotions against me! She's growing as a character.
I can't wait for them to get to the island!
8LorrahBearI'm really enjoying Jinx and Grimwald's tenative attraction, despite my long-held dislike of Jinx. Well done, turning my own emotions against me! She's growing as a character.
I can't wait for them to get to the island!
2/1/2018 c11 9The Warrior Poet
“Dozens of fishing boats scurried about the small harbor, while a couple of schooners and merchant galleons wallowed at the docks. Scattered clouds scampered high above, driven by the light breeze coming off the water. The wind picked at his cloak and ruffled his hair, carrying the smell of salt and fish even to this height.”
I’m loving the alliteration of the ‘s’ sound in this paragraph. It puts a nice little bow on your already beautifully-packaged descriptions. Every location introduced in this story has been a character of its own, and that is due solely to your skills as a writer.
Another thing I liked about this chapter was your avoidance of needless travelogue on the journey between Eritall and Rockwater. You succinctly recapped everything of interest that occurred on the trip, and thus maintained a healthy pace in your narrative.
The confrontation at the gate provided a nice moment of levity and gave us a glimpse of a different facet in Jinx’s character. Something tells me that Grim very much enjoyed his part in the charade, especially the part that involved putting Faux’s ass in the dirt.
A nice reappearance of a secondary character at the end of the chapter -little things like this add connective tissue and cohesion to your story.
9The Warrior Poet“Dozens of fishing boats scurried about the small harbor, while a couple of schooners and merchant galleons wallowed at the docks. Scattered clouds scampered high above, driven by the light breeze coming off the water. The wind picked at his cloak and ruffled his hair, carrying the smell of salt and fish even to this height.”
I’m loving the alliteration of the ‘s’ sound in this paragraph. It puts a nice little bow on your already beautifully-packaged descriptions. Every location introduced in this story has been a character of its own, and that is due solely to your skills as a writer.
Another thing I liked about this chapter was your avoidance of needless travelogue on the journey between Eritall and Rockwater. You succinctly recapped everything of interest that occurred on the trip, and thus maintained a healthy pace in your narrative.
The confrontation at the gate provided a nice moment of levity and gave us a glimpse of a different facet in Jinx’s character. Something tells me that Grim very much enjoyed his part in the charade, especially the part that involved putting Faux’s ass in the dirt.
A nice reappearance of a secondary character at the end of the chapter -little things like this add connective tissue and cohesion to your story.
1/22/2018 c10 The Warrior Poet
Having only known Ankier from her sidestory (as a child), and her very brief appearance in the first story, it was fun to see her here as a fully fledged sexy thief/seductress.
This change of POV was really interesting and revealed a lot about what makes Keswick tick, along with how his dynamic with Uhdros operates. Ankier is who really interests me, though. I can see why you chose to give her a story of her own -she is a very likeable character.
In light of Ankier’s obvious crush on Faux, it will be interesting to see how she reacts to her new mission. The two of them could make a good match if they don’t kill one another first.
A very well-executed chapter!
Having only known Ankier from her sidestory (as a child), and her very brief appearance in the first story, it was fun to see her here as a fully fledged sexy thief/seductress.
This change of POV was really interesting and revealed a lot about what makes Keswick tick, along with how his dynamic with Uhdros operates. Ankier is who really interests me, though. I can see why you chose to give her a story of her own -she is a very likeable character.
In light of Ankier’s obvious crush on Faux, it will be interesting to see how she reacts to her new mission. The two of them could make a good match if they don’t kill one another first.
A very well-executed chapter!
1/3/2018 c9 The Warrior Poet
Well, at least this escape went better than the one in Estermont. It’s helpful to have friends in high places.
I like the way that Aboleth confronts Faux here -everything the dwarf says about Lydia’s death is completely true. If only Faux were able to accept that sometimes sh*t happens he would be able to heal and move on.
One minor gripe I would add involves the arrow that Faux uses to distract the guards. An arrowhead would definitely need to be soaked in pitch or some other kind of combustible liquid to maintain its flame after being loosed. It’s a minor thing, but adding small details like this is always a good idea and will aid your story in the long run.
I am definitely interested to see the landscapes the party will be be entering next, and can’t wait to see what lies in store for them!
Well, at least this escape went better than the one in Estermont. It’s helpful to have friends in high places.
I like the way that Aboleth confronts Faux here -everything the dwarf says about Lydia’s death is completely true. If only Faux were able to accept that sometimes sh*t happens he would be able to heal and move on.
One minor gripe I would add involves the arrow that Faux uses to distract the guards. An arrowhead would definitely need to be soaked in pitch or some other kind of combustible liquid to maintain its flame after being loosed. It’s a minor thing, but adding small details like this is always a good idea and will aid your story in the long run.
I am definitely interested to see the landscapes the party will be be entering next, and can’t wait to see what lies in store for them!
12/20/2017 c8 The Warrior Poet
I can smell a new quest!
Again, we have one of the characters questioning what they once believed to be truth, this time Jinx instead of Aboleth. Placing your characters in situations that call for them to question their belief in who they are is a stellar way to promote growth in them. I feel like you’ve done this with almost all of your characters now, which is always a good thing. Dynamic characters are much more interesting than static ones.
I am interested to see what they will have to face in order to get the wind stone -from the sound of the arch lector’s garbled words at the end of the communikay it may be equally as difficult a situation as mitrora.
All they have to do is make it out of the city, which sounds like it will also be no walk in the park either.
I can smell a new quest!
Again, we have one of the characters questioning what they once believed to be truth, this time Jinx instead of Aboleth. Placing your characters in situations that call for them to question their belief in who they are is a stellar way to promote growth in them. I feel like you’ve done this with almost all of your characters now, which is always a good thing. Dynamic characters are much more interesting than static ones.
I am interested to see what they will have to face in order to get the wind stone -from the sound of the arch lector’s garbled words at the end of the communikay it may be equally as difficult a situation as mitrora.
All they have to do is make it out of the city, which sounds like it will also be no walk in the park either.
12/19/2017 c14 8Barbados
Ugh, why do you make me wait so long and then practically TEASE me?!
Some good world-building around the isles and the lore. I love how Windbreaker speaks in ocean terms and analogies, and I liked the other ocean metaphors sprinkled throughout as well (Aboleths' driftwood faith, for example.)
Ahanna giving Faux the cold shoulder at the end there... that will be interesting to see play out.
Great chapter, as ever. Hope to see more soon!
8BarbadosUgh, why do you make me wait so long and then practically TEASE me?!
Some good world-building around the isles and the lore. I love how Windbreaker speaks in ocean terms and analogies, and I liked the other ocean metaphors sprinkled throughout as well (Aboleths' driftwood faith, for example.)
Ahanna giving Faux the cold shoulder at the end there... that will be interesting to see play out.
Great chapter, as ever. Hope to see more soon!