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for A Darkness Within

11/6/2016 c1 8LorrahBear
One initial nit-picky thing: In your synopsis of the story, you label this as a sequel to A New Dawn Coming, but isn't this a sequel to A New Dawn Rising? Or will you be changing the title to what I just finished?

Okay - now that that's out of the way...

A few punctuation type errors (you know I've gotta be this way...):
"...to realize his aspirations[,] it had come at the cost of..." (missing comma)
"who'd helped his son's murderer had also Balen's cold corpse..." (Comma to period - two different thoughts)
"...and himself as king[,] [d]aring King Osmunt to do something about it..." (period to comma)

Other things:
"He'd had crushed it mercilessly..." (Should be only "He'd" or "He had")
"...and they were both [ ] slain." (removal of stray comma)
I'm not sure you need both "I beg to differ" and "on the contrary" when Big Bad is introducing himself to Slightly Less Bad and talking about the stone of power.

I really liked your conversation between Uhdros and Keswick. It flowed really naturally and was very believable. And this is such a strong opening! I could picture Keswick and his ice, sitting and skulking before the fire. I could picture Uhdros, and loved the way you described the scent of him. (A suggestion - perhaps mention the scent again later on when Keswick is making his deal?) The end to the chapter was perfectly placed.

As always, I look forward to more!
10/10/2016 c1 43zanybellecloudo
A foreboding start to ANDC Book 2 and it was brilliant! I love the scene-setting of a shadowy dark room and the crackling fire which leaves the reader unprepared for the impending villainous of Uhdros! Already a character I can’t wait to read more of and his return only signals that things are about to get a lot worse for our group of beloved characters. As you know, I really enjoy this story greatly and found it to be one of the very best stories on this entire site. I hope you enjoy writing it as much as your readers do reading it! I’m hopeful I’ll have many more chapters to thrill my winter nights ahead as this is a story to disappear into and become immersed in as it's so wonderfully told. Thank you for continuing the story and sharing your work with the humble readers of FictionPress. ZB.
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