9/18/2017 c1 3Notabot
I like trains

11/19/2016 c1 4lookingwest
Opening - Good to begin with historical atmosphere and background for a piece like this. I'd say if I were going by taste, it's a bit slow for me, but for a historical novel I think you're on the nose/headed in the right direction. If it were a short story, of course, I'd tell you to start with the fire! But seeing as it isn't, I think you've done the right thing with doing a slow burn on your style and the characters.

Writing - Watch yourself for repetitive description in your style - it's a good style, I'm one for more description than less, usually, but then you've got sentences like this: "Henry glanced upwards for a few moments, startled momentarily from his thoughts by the abrupt entrance of his brother, George." That sentence could basically be ground down to: "Henry glanced at his brother, thoughts momentarily interrupted by George's abrupt entrance." Henry would have to glance "upwards" to see his brother at the door, assumed by "abrupt entrance" - I don't think you need to tell us his thoughts are "momentarily startled" because it's shown through the narration stopping with concentration on the newspaper. Watch "for a few moments" kind of language to - what's the difference between someone saying "Henry glanced" and "Henry glanced for a few moments" - if it's a "lingering glance" then narrate it as such, but as it is with language like that, I think it's implied and the "few moments" doesn't matter much. The impression gets across just fine. Anyway, this is hyper-picking at one sentence though, but just watch out for being over-descriptive in some cases when you can imply the same things with a subtler line. Like I said though, overall, I sink really well into your writing style!

Ending - I think the last three, I think, paragraphs are really well done in terms of conjuring the images of setting and seeing the waters - really liked "backlit by the orange and yellow sparks and flames below." I liked the ending scene the best overall as the rest felt rather lag-like in action, but I'm glad chapter one ended with something to capture interest via a conflict (other than the war).

Character - You've introduced an inner conflict with Henry, already with the beginnings of a complex character, so I liked that there was something developed there to parallel with the real conflict arc of the civil war itself. The genre of alt history is an interesting one, and I think, as others have stated, of course your world building and historical research shows. Sometimes, it might feel like it's coming off just a tad too forceful, like the brand of boots that George takes off in his room (I don't really think we need the brand mentioned again after it's already mentioned the first time by Henry, things like that). But at any rate, what it's done is give you a cast of convincing characters and world, and you've got the authority over it with tone as the author. Wondering if the opening newspaper clipping is a real one from the time period? If not, def something to consider because I think tonally it will feel that way if you are adding in other details of the time period - though "fake" nonfiction sources also work in fiction.

11/7/2016 c1 1Nobody4548
Nice verbal imagery - although I was surprised of pepper in the tobacco smell. Looked it up and was impressed to find there are actually tobacco's which have that smell. I Liked the first section of the chapter – you introduced the characters and their opinions in the flow of the story as well as the current situation. The middle gave a view of George – the incident with Jediah would have been one where I’d have assumed the smile would not reach the eyes – so the characters aren’t really stark – but in the grey. The second half of the story was a bit disconnected compared to the first – the walk to the warehouse, the conversation and the attack on the dock did not seem to connect well. One was the timing, during the walk it was close to sunset, while at the docks it was dark – when it didn't seem that much time had passed. As the story progresses – sometimes verbal description just distracts unless it connects to the story. Would like to see if the “Mathew’s Long Barrels” part as any relevance in the on going story.

10/10/2016 c1 17whispers of lowlit flames
OPENING: I love the idea of starting with something abstract like smoke: it paints an unseen picture in the scenery along with setting the context, in this case with the pipe pointing to the historical context. Granted, my knowledge of american history is pretty much nothing so that's just a general painting. Similar to when the first fleet arrived in Australia, by the sounds of it, though without the historical tag I'd be visualing Gandalf and Bilbo in LOTR instead. XD You're quick to confirm the real world setting though, which is good since you're not dependent on the category tags or summary to illustrate those important bits of the setting and context and you introduce a bit of character as well: like a still-life that begins to move as the chapter goes on.

WRITING: You're research/knowledge shows here, with both the language (words like secession, frigates etc. which don't pop up in colloquial speech in this day and age) and Henry and George's insight into the wider issues presented so far. What also stands out though is the length of sentences as well. While they're broken up by pauses thanks to punctuation, some of them do still go on for a while and can get a little muddly. For example, [The Confederate States, though seceding in low succession...] has a lot of commas in it, but it doesn't have to. You could break it at "raiding" and then start "A staggering number" as a new sentence with a bit of tweaking, or use a colon between the two instead since you're expanding on the number of frigates. You're also rather wordy in places, and some of the sentences can be trimmed down without losing any of their merit.

CHARACTERS: I find it rather interesting that Grant is introduced before George is - the character in the paper rather than the character in real life. But it shows that Grant is as much a character in this scene as the two present, even if all we have to go on is a newspaper article and reflections thereof. Mentioning him so early as well makes me think he'll play an important role later in the story as well, but the question is as a background character or a direct one and I guess we'll discover that as the story goes on. As for Henry and George, they've been presented differently and it helps to solidify their individual characters, especially when the perspective changes.

ENJOYMENT: I'm both grateful and a little overwhelmed to all the information in this chapter part. Grateful because I haven't got much of a clue about American history or geography and the information helps explain the context, but overwhelmed for the same reason. There is a lot of information in this and though the language helps display the context, it also reads rather heavily. Not quite the extent where I'd say it reads like a newspaper article or a textbook - there's more here - but it's still a lot to take in in one reading. I'd recommend spacing things out a little. Reveal more through other means...and maybe slower as well. The actions get swallowed in them. If George thinks during the ride instead of in the aftermath, you can intersperse it with scenery and that might make it easier to digest. It was a interesting beginning, but it did take me a few reads to get everything, I feel.