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for 3:57am

12/14/2016 c1 1DazWizzle
Reading this you get the idea something has happened from the start. I get the feeling that she is seeing a ghost and the time 3:57am has something to do with the time that something happened to her partner, haunting her each night. It almost touches on what can be experienced from someone suffering PTSD, seeing reoccurring images and memories so a touching subject approached quite well. Good job
11/12/2016 c1 4lookingwest
Wow, what a beautiful flash piece you've got here that's so circular. I really like how it begins and ends. I'm jealous of how you can keep this so interesting and enthralling all being in the character's mind, and ahhh just overall, I really missed your writing, you've still got it, my friend, and I'm not just saying that! I also like how this works with the prompt - my mind gravitated towards "end of the world" in some ways because of the last line (and the past week in the US, politically, haha), so I really loved to see this focused in on the idea of a relationship that isn't fitting right. For some reason the time "3:57" is also haunting. That's a good word for this piece - haunting! I do hope that you come back to your SFF works as well. But you've got such a knack for the short short form, too. Thank you for the read!
11/7/2016 c1 28CheddarBrat789
I'm not the biggest fan of WRITING poetry, but I greatly enjoy READING it. This one turned out pretty good, and was very attention-grabbing. I really liked the conflict, and the anonymity of it all (particularly the unnamed characters and the lack of a description of what exactly the girl is remembering) made things even more tense. You do have a minor grammar error right near the end ("then then other", which should really be "then the other"), but it didn't make the poem unreadable. Other than that, I found no flaws. Keep up the good work!
11/7/2016 c1 8LorrahBear
I really liked the line "making herself pretty for the memory of him." It really helps your character and her emotions/how she's try to cope shine through.

One suggestion: in the first paragraph, at the end, after the semi-colon, it feels a bit awkward and out of place. Perhaps remove the semi-colon, use a comma instead, and change it to something like "...thunder of her heart, worried it will wake the neighbors."

As a general rule, I've been told semi-colons belong mostly in non-fiction (although there are exceptions to everything!).

That little nitpickyness out of the way, I really did enjoy this. You've done a great job setting the scene and conveying emotion while simultaneously grabbing my attention and holding it steady. Great job!
11/7/2016 c1 Sjoorm continued
The ending was well done in the sense that it conveyed a sense of loss felt by the main character that had been building up over the story with your description of the man (a lover?)

As far as your characterization goes, there wasn't really enough there for me to really develop a sense of who was speaking. I understand this is because it is a poem, but I find it hard to really enjoy any piece of writing without being able to look back and remember the characters thoughts as though they were my own.

I do not feel your own personal technique fits this piece (the technique of using your prose in a way that gives it your own unique flair), but that is only because I am a stickler for things that "flow" properly in the sense of me being able to read them aloud and still have them make sense to me.
11/6/2016 c1 9Sjoorm
I've never been a particular fan of present tense in stories or poetry, I generally find it to be too clunky so I will forewarn you before the review.

After your first semicolon, shouldn't it read "she is worried it will wake the neighbours"? I will be the first to admit I still don't know the full intricacies of using the semicolon, but I thought it was to separate two sentences that are connected but can still stand alone on their own. The sentence "is worried it will wake the neighbours", grammatically speaking, cannot.

For some reason I think "hopes the wind would kiss her..." Sounds better, but that could be a personal decision.

"She pulls on some clothes, a chill forming in the emptiness of 3:57am" or something similar to this sounds better than using "because..."

You fall prey to the "and then and then and then" that many writers fall prey to, whether it be because they've never been taught otherwise or just a momentary lapse, you should know that you don't actually have to use "and" after every single item in a list (of anything). All you need are commas, or even using the word "or".

"She sucks at her cigarette carefully" you don't need the semicolon after this, change it to a comma if anything. I would suggest changing it to "she sucks in her cigarette smoke carefully" myself as well, but that's a personal decision.

"He did too?" Can be changed to something along the lines of "did he as well?" To alleviate clunkiness.

I am assuming she is thinking of a dead boyfriend or husband throughout this story? Either way it was well done, and of course any edits I suggest here are merely guidelines (the ones not speaking of grammatically incorrect situations at the least), and may be changed at your own discretion. Keep up the writing :) (PS, I still dislike reading present tense when compared to past :p)
11/6/2016 c1 TheNonyMouse
This feels very grounded, for all that the main character spends the entire time fixated on ghosts from her past. You didn't describe her much, which makes it easy to imagine her as a wistfully pining everywoman who exists, to a greater or lesser degree, in most women who have fallen too hard too fast for the wrong man. The brief paragraphs combined with the amount of time slipping through her fingers also lends an air of the listless wasting of time that comes with spending your days "glancing backwards."

There are also a lot of lovely turns of phrase in here. I love the start, where she's worried that her heart is beating loud enough to wake the neighbors. It really gets across the strength of her emotion. Some of your sentences get a bit tangled, though. For example, in the sentence that begins, "Their happiness was brief..." by the end you're on a completely different thought than you started with. It could easily be broken up with a in to two sentences, with the new one starting at, "She wishes, not for the first time..." That's just my opinion, though.

Overall I liked this, and good luck to you as well!

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