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for Black Forest

4/9/2017 c1 7boggs
First things first-I like the premise of a (dysfunctional) arranged marriage as the backdrop to a story. It seems like it has potential.

But if you decide to continue it, I think this chapter needs a bit of a rewrite. From my understanding, this was written for a competition, so it makes sense-to a degree-that a lot of information had to be squeezed within the word limit in order for you to build your world.

That being said, there's a little too much in this chapter, so much so that it's a little hard to take in at once. There's really a lot going on. Because of this, at times it feels less like we are getting Solar's own story (how she thinks, feels, etc.) and more of a laundry list of information concerning her. I actually think this is evidence that your idea would work better as a longer story (maybe even just a short story?) because the idea is too broad and the world too expansive to fit in such a small word limit.

The story reads well for the most part, though, and it is interesting. I actually really like the name "Solar," so I don't know what his problem is. lol Stylistically, I might use fewer parenthesis, as they can become blocky and interrupt the flow of the story if they are not incorporated skilfully. But perhaps that is just me.

All in all, I actually want to read more. These two obviously have a history together (and perhaps a future?), and I wonder how they are going to face the challenges ahead of them. Keep up the good work!
1/7/2017 c1 1DazWizzle
Black Forest follows the story of Solar, explaining part of her upbringing within a military state, her specifically within an orphanage schooling her to be one of the next possible heads of state.
The opening paragraph I felt set Solar with her head in the clouds a lot but given the way the story is written, it would be easy to understand why she would think the way she does about Rhys especially finding her fathers notes. However either Rhys has his options open for another girl, he is trying not to show Solar affection or hes just a knob. I would be interested to see exactly where you would take the situation between the two characters if you did chose to continue.
The world although briefly described sets up a very strict ruling (at-least within the academy) and I would assume something more related to religious terms given the public humiliation for premarital pregnancy, If this is for the religious beliefs or just general laws of the state this sets an interesting story to tell about her parents.
Noting this and as stated by Rhys he obviously knows about Solar's upbringing leading me to believe her time spent at the academy would be heavily publicized.
The Scene for the most part worked well. I found it a little disjointed switching from past to present but that's possibly due to the way I read and what I found was only minor.
Overall I felt that the chapter was well written with enough of a tease to get me to come back for a second part if one became available. Where you take the story though is what I would be interested in. Arranged marriages without knowing the end result (at-least as the reader and the character) makes for an interesting idea.
12/10/2016 c1 Essie
You got me interested so I wouldn't mind a few more tales of their interactions. This feels unfinished at the moment although you do have great story telling skills so keep it up. :-)
12/10/2016 c1 11njdevin529
Great chapter here, I like the idea of an arranged marriage. I don't know what ideas you had for continuing, but if you want Solar and Rhys to end up together, I would go for it. Maybe have him be very disgruntled about it, even resent her, say she brings him down. Then little by little, have her melt the ice around his heart. You can have a lot of fun building his character and writing about why he is the way he is. Not sure if you'd want to go for it, but I'd love to see how this pans out. Can't wait!

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