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7/20 c1 knockmeoffmyfeet
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12/22/2016 c1 10Lilchany
I haven't read a story written in second-person in years... really well done! I know this is complete, but I'm definitely curious about the characters, especially the protagonist. Who is he? What has he been trained for and why? He seems like a chronic heartbreaker, but for what purpose? I love the intrigue, I just wish I could have some answers too.

Lovely one-shot!
12/15/2016 c1 Guest
Rayne Wolf

I love the fact this is in second person, it gave us a sight into this character's eyes :) I can't wait to read the next part.

~Rayne wolf
12/15/2016 c1 Guest
la bonne annee


What an interesting little story you have here. I really like the mysterious, almost dark undertone to the "They" of the story. While I like that you've kept it vague, I think perhaps it is too vague for my taste. Maybe a few more hints at the purpose of "They" because I'm coming to conflicting conclusions. On one hand, they could be some sort of government somesuch that teaches people how not to use their emotions and controls their lives in some sinister way, or "They" could simply be a generic term to describe big corporations and the soul-sucking work they imply.

A little error: "You find the sight of her emotions overwhelming her unattractive"; I think it's maybe supposed to say "overwhelmingly unattractive"?

I really like the bit when Margot gives the narrator a snap about saying please. Very feisty of her, and it is an interesting detail.

I'm not quite sold on the second person structure of the story. I think it just takes me out of the story no matter how well it's written. If the "They" is supposed to be big corporations, then I understand that addressing the reader almost as if they are the narrator themselves to single them out as a part of the machine is an interesting tactic and I respect it, but I just don't like second person.

As for my cool kid points... "Your leather shoes that squeak when you walk, your plaid socks, your Calvin Klein boxer-briefs, your Louis Vuitton purple striped tie." Fight Club? (Also the narrator has no name, he is simply Narrator. Maybe you should change Margot's name to Marla. For a laugh. And then change it back because that would be too much.)


12/15/2016 c1 Guest

Lovely written 2nd POV piece!

And because I didn't notice it, shows how well you integrated it. Normally 2nd POVs are done quite awkwardly. But not you.

A reminder that quite a lot of reviews will still be heading your way. You've got quite a few unreviewed (from me) pieces so I'll have a fun time reading - especially that you're such a good author/poet makes it even more better!

12/15/2016 c1 Guest

Ok, personally, I loved that. I like how a lot of it wasn't made clear; such as who 'they' were or why he had to leave her for them. It's left up to the reader to speculate and you don't get bogged down in the details. I liked the second person narrative, too. It works really effectively and gives a strong sense of the raw emotion between them.

[he scent of Chanel no.5 making your head swim with the combined euphoria of her familiar smell and touch.] Great line - for some reason, the use of brands seems to make things stand out much stronger, and again you use it really well here.

I didn't notice any errors or anything like that - it's a great one shot and one to really make the reader think.
12/15/2016 c1 Guest

Hey there,

Just to let you know that I know you have a bunch of stuff on your profile that I haven't reviewed yet; I've just finished my exams, so I'm back and I'll be reviewing your stuff soon :)

I like the way that you started the story. It jumped straight into it, and yet it still provided a type of background. I have to admit that I didn't really know what you were talking about when the story first started, but I realised after a while (probably just me being a bit stupid). You took a big risk, writing it in second person. Its quite hard, but you've pulled it off, so well done :)

I like how you wrote about the slap. It was written quite well, and I can hear the strike of her hand in my head, which is really good. Hey wow - did you write that poem? It's really good, and sounds professional, so great stuff! With all of your fancy French (French?) phrases and such.

- "The briefcase is dangling in your hand, and in just a moment it will fall from your grasp and you'll press your palm into the flat of her back until it feels like your two bodies are one." I don't completely understand this line. Was it supposed to change tense? If so, I don't understand why?

I liked the ending. It really drives home that he regrets leaving her so much, and that it's the hardest thing for him to do. We feel that it's his duty to ditch her for 'them' becuase of what 'they've' done for him. (By the way... who is 'them'?)

A great piece; good luck in the WCC! Keep it up :)


P.S- I'll review the rest soon, promise.
12/15/2016 c1 Guest

Okay, so I was curious what a person who says he/she doesn't like romance very much would write as a romance story.

And so far, I'm impressed. (That doesn't happen very often, by the way. Only once or twice in a decade.)

Okay, let's see, where should I start...

First of all: language!

Very good. I loved reading it. You know how to use words to make the story flow. You toy with words, which proofs a very high understanding with language and security when it comes to using language. That's rare, really.

Second: style!

Very intriguing. Using the "you"-perspective (I don't know the right terminus in English, sorry) is bold - but also brilliant. In fact, I like that way of describing a situation when it's well written. And yours certainly is.

Third: story!

I love the name Margot. For some reason, I can't really enjoy a story when I don't like the name (I'm a little bit strange when it comes to that, I know) but your choice of name is good. :)

I was also deeply impressed with the tension you built up in that scene. There is a mystery - a greater situation behind the situation you describe - and though the reader doesn't know any details, he kind of understand what is going on without knowing it exactly. But he wants to find out more - he knows what he's looking for, he wants to know "them" - and that's the point when you completely caught your reader. Amazing!

I also lived the mention of things like Louis Vitton and Chanel no. 5. People are very focussed on these things, and mentioning them gives me a good feeling for the situation - the seemingly ambitious, prestigious nature of your protagonist, for exmaple.

You already have quite a big (high-class reviewing) audience for this, so I hope to read more soon. :)
12/15/2016 c1 Guest

spooky about the 'them'. am still wondering who exactly they are. you get such a clear picture of "her" (she's great), while "them" remains so intangible. really cool stuff. i like teh description of his clothes, that kind of made him for me, plus because he was me, i could feel em. i like em! i love that 'squeezes her hips together' i wish i could steal it. tis wonderful. teh second person narrative also worked for me, which is really odd seeing as i'm not a guy and didn't particularly relate to teh guy, in that i don't feel like i've been in his situation, and yet you made me feel like i had or something. thats magic, that is. you're real tricky, miss. good luck in teh wcc!
12/15/2016 c1 Guest

I like that you used second-person POV for this piece. It was different and I found that interesting. I think you kept it up really well (I barely noticed it after a while and probably wouldn't have picked up on it being different if I hadn't known you were writing it that way) and even though I couldn't really relate to the 'you' character, it was still consistently done.

I must admit that without this being in second-person POV it probably wouldn't stand out to me that much. It's well-written, and I didn't notice any flaws, but it felt a little long to me. By that I mean that there wasn't enough movement/action to keep me glued to the scene. I'm not sure how or even if you should change it, but my mind wandered a bit in the middle (it picked up a bit when 'You' started to realize he had feelings for Margot but couldn't do anything about it/didn't know how to handle this) and I struggled a bit to reach the end. This is just my opinion, of course, but I just thought I'd point it out. :)

Overall, good story. It wasn't exactly to my tastes but it was well-executed nonetheless. :) Good luck on WCC!
12/15/2016 c1 Guest

“It seems she's decided to fool herself, you realize as she places her hands on her hips.”

I think we discussed this on SkOT but I feel like she wouldn't ever know the real him well enough to be fooling herself. She's just mistaken, because she doesn't know the real him. She's also not fooling herself because there really was something between them.

“She squeezes her hips in an attempt to steel herself”

This phrase always trips me up. Maybe, “She squeezes her hips with her fingers in an attempt to steel herself”? Otherwise it sounds like she's making her hips squeeze together, much like you would say “she squeezed her legs together”. It makes my parser trip up because I can't mentally picture how that would work.

“She's reciting the poem you wrote for her several years back”

I can't picture this MC writing a poem, but it makes for a really nice surprise. There's much more to him than we think.

“Once it's settled in nicely”

Simply lovely.

You handle the material expertly. As always, I love the way you put words together. Brilliant execution.

But there's something about the plot that bothers me, and it's hard to put into words. Maybe it's because I like a bit of nastiness in fiction – a bit of grime? Or, if not that, a kind of brilliant symmetry, cold and emotionless, like ice.

This storyline falls neatly into neither of these. It's emotional but it's tidily so – perhaps like a TV show or a film. There is a glimpse of something – the fact that the narrator writes poetry – but you don't capitalize on it. I'm left feeling nothing for these characters; their emotional scene doesn't affect my own emotions, which would be fine, except that the story itself revolves around emotion, so it feels like I'm watching it from behind a glass.
12/15/2016 c1 Guest
A Kiss in the Dreamhouse

Lovely One Shot. I like the pronoun usage and the present tense, makes it feel more personal. A lot of really 'hot' moments too, even though in the end nothing serious happens between the two of them. I liked that there was plenty of tension :)

The description of Margot was particularly delightful too ;)
12/15/2016 c1 Guest

Oh, well the movie reference went straight over my head, have no idea what it was!

This was a tense situation, and I liked how you broke down every single movement and moment to make it seem more than it was. The usage of 'You' made it weird for me, I just wasn't expecting it. I kind of felt like you were throwing these emotions on me, so I found it hard to feel for another person because my character radar was all haywire... so to speak lol. I think that's just because I'm not terribly used to this kind of narrative, but it's kinda interesting in that respect because the guy himself wasn't expecting these feelings either. So maybe it works? Hmm.

Details, details, loved them. The room reverberating with the 'sharp' sound of her slapping him, how he slowly looses grip on the briefcase, the 'gold-speckled red dress' and the wax wood handle of the door. I like how he tucks the moment away to muse over later, that's a familiar experience and all the detail really hightened this for me. When we experience such a moment we want to remember everything, and it's odd what things you remember and what things are lost. So the intensity of this piece was my favourite thing about it. Really great way of telling this particular story.

'You offer a half-hearted shrug as you pick up your briefcase from beside the leather chaise-lounge and run your hand over the left lapel of your suit.'

- To me, this sentence has too much goin on in it. I'd suggest breaking it up, there's... three actions in it, shrug, briefcase, and the hand to suit gesture, but I had to read back over it several times to figure that out.

Also, in the first couple paragraphs I thought there were a ton of dashes and semi-colons, I think it was just too noticable. Would a comma here and there be an okay alternative to an outright dash? Just to spice things up a bit? Maybe even some brackets or something. That was just an aside though, doesn't really matter.

So yeah. Strong piece, loved the ending. All the very best for the WCC :)
12/15/2016 c1 Guest
Sercus Kaynine

This was definitely a unique perspective. It made me feel like a trained assassin or something, what with all the "you"s. It's a fun way of reading. Don't know why I haven't seen it around here before.

You did a great job handling the details in this. You knew just what emotions to highlight (or not to highlight, in the narrator's part). I liked how you kept referring to the suitcase. It was like a physical representation of his connection to 'them'. Other details, like the red dress and perfume, intoxicated me and pulled me into the moment.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
12/15/2016 c1 Guest

Like the name Margot ;)

I think Vic pointed out the grammar errors that I caught, and they looked like just typos so no big deal, I won't repeat them.

I liked this, it was a good experiment with the use of the "you" and you stayed consistent. I do, however, understand why no one writes novels in second person-it can get a bit tiring by the very end, but I like that you had the guts to use it and keep using it-it's very accusatory and in-your-face. It was cool how you also involved the reader as the male character, I wasn't expecting that, actually.

I think my favorite paragraph is the third paragraph, when you described the way the man dresses and how it "shaped you into the person you are today." that entire paragraph was extremely well written and flowed wonderfully, it was very artfully created with care!

Enjoyed the interjection of the poetry into the middle of the piece, good to format it that way because it's not only jumping out visually but also jumping and jarring into the character and his emotions too-they go hand in hand.

I liked the subtle descriptions we get of both the characters, especially the bit with the Chanel No. 5-there's a whole context into that and era and flavor such a scent suggests, and it really gave depth to Margot's character too-the way the description of the man's clothes gave depth to him.

The last line was excellent! Ah man, just beautiful, really. It's so well worded. I love how you played with the idea of "them" and this sensibility of maybe the "us vs. them" too, or at least- me vs. them, I think.

As far as working with the prompt, I think you did a great job keeping it original. Though you used the romance theme between two people, you managed to spin such creativity with the basics by using the second person. I love how WCC brings out the cool little experimental writing in everyone, XD. One of your stronger WCC submissions for sure!
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