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for Aĉaĵego

7/1/2021 c16 12LittleAlchemist
The ending... I didn't realise this was complete. Aw man. I mean, congratulations for the realism of it. Floreca was always going to be in danger wasn't she? Her sickness was going to claim her. How brutal of you to have her eventually eaten like that. This was great. For critique, what you have here doesn't feel like enough to me. Like for publishing, you could expand on more, write more, and flesh everything out to its maximum. And as for dramatic flair, maybe you weren't feeling it, but if you wrote in a scene of the Acajego rampaging the whole city and destroying everything, that'd be a shock ending. The religious priests triumphed, but ya know, that's human history. You need another warring nation or gradual change to remove that. I suppose I wish I knew more about Karesema after this. The ending makes me assume Karesema just gave up and got on with life. In a flopping kind of way. Jadinda may have had a better life by getting married to a rich husband. But Karesema, I wonder what's going to happen to her. There's no real moral to this story, it's kinda just sad. But the highlights are the psychology, the two sisters and how they differ from each other, the Acajego, the tradition and religion of the people. Good job, I'm glad I read this. But as this is five reviews I'll look for what else I can review.
7/1/2021 c15 LittleAlchemist
A lot of introspection and internal monologuing in this smaller chapter. Though it's good to see the effects of Jadinda's situation. She's a young girl, still being indoctrinated by the church she may have to stay in. Jadinda is getting blown about for her hatred of her people and of the Acajego. It is awful. It's not like modern day, where people are used to having rights and even suing for things. Karesema has to think of everyone's safety first, and then afterwards think of luxuries like being able to live with or spend time with her sister. At this point in the story, Floreca could be dead, Karesema could be on the fast-track to a mental breakdown, plus crazy attack or even a secret assasination from more serious blasphemy. At least Jadinda might be okay, you until her arranged marriage. But you know, compared to everything else going on what's an arranged marriage? Worst case scenario is still pretty bad, abusive or cruel. But perhaps her husband will be okay. And even if he's older he'll probably leave her as a widow, and a wealthy one at that. This is a breather brief chapter where some little stuff happened.
7/1/2021 c14 LittleAlchemist
Oo my excitement has increased here too! So another good chapter. Poor Floreca. I really like the realism here. The Acajego is like a child, and has never had a friend before, and is reacting exactly how one might expect it to. I wonder if Floreca will renounce her faith by the end of this story. That is a difficult thing to transition out of. I was devoutly Christian from ages 14 to 19, and the main thing that upset me about the religion is the idea that the majority of humans were going to burn forever in hell, just because? Then more recently I also transitioned out of New Age spirituality... Eh it's tough. And seems to get tougher as you get older. To go through a crisis of faith and have your whole view of the world change. I wonder how much this will be explored with Floreca. And that's obviously if she survives this encounter with the Acajego. It would be surprising and dramatic if this ends in a bloodbath for the whole village. I picture Karesema, having lost her mind, laughing atop a building as everything burns.
7/1/2021 c13 LittleAlchemist
I enjoyed this chapter a lot more than the other one. So the point of fascination was once the Acajego and how it related to Floreca, who is a spiritual lady that lacks Karesema's scepticism and backbone. Now the point of fascination is how religious liars adapt with their stories to hold onto power. This is effectively captivating my interest again in this new way, and I hope you'll maintain that and continue to go down interesting and thought-provoking routes. So yes, Sagulo's lie is based on greed. That is rather awful. But all avenues are not lost to Karesema, who would not be aware in her grief. Her sister Floreca has the Acajego's ear, and might be able to ask it to do or say things for them. However, looking at this realistically, Floreca could still die and then they could all be in danger of the Acajego rampaging. This chapter was immersive and effectively conveyed Karesema's frustration. A good chapter, yes.
7/1/2021 c12 LittleAlchemist
On an enjoyment, I enjoyed the ending part. Like wow. Finding proof to disprove religion, yes that's a mighty high. Especially back in olden times, which this reminds me of. No one can prove religion wrong, but luckily this religion made the mistake of incorporating the Acajego, which can speak for itself. I enjoyed Karesema's retorts, though feel frightened for her cause yes that is serious blasphemy and she could be in a lot of trouble. Especially if she and Sagulo are the only ones who know? She could be killed... On dialogue, I like it, but it's also in my mind that this is probably translated and not English. So upper cadence speaking and a lot of terms, I guess I'm thinking about how that could translate. Anyway the length is short. I enjoyed the explanation of the confession non-confession thing with her and the storyteller. And now we may finally know why Karesema stole, to feed her sick sister
5/12/2021 c11 LittleAlchemist
I'm happy to be revisiting this. It's nice to see from Karesema's perspective. Nothing chronologically confusing about this... detour. There's probably a word for it. I don't believe it's something most published works do, randomly make a three-part piece in the story from another character's POV for the sake of explaining more of the plot. But I don't care if this is "proper form" or not, I only feel excited that we'll get more revelations, an added perspective on everything that will reveal more. I think Karesema would have made a better protagonist when we consider how she's far more realistic and appropriately sceptical when it comes to religion and life. She also is strong and defiant. Floreca on the other hand is ordinary for the era this seems to come from. A religious and proper woman far more concerned with duty and faith. Karesema is the one you'd expect to be the hero of the story. Then again, I'm still not sure if Karesema really is a thief. I assume there's more to her story, and we'll have to wait for that revelation. Thieving for no reason was obviously unwise, considering her family. I suppose Floreca is the main character because her faith enabled her to interact with the Acajeco better. Wait let me clear my throat. Aĉaĵego. So this review has not fit a standard format I've just been writing what I feel. As far as length goes, this is too short for a published story chapter. If Karesema is only going to have three parts dedicated to her tale, I think you could've used this as a chance to show more about her. I'm interested in this strange voice in her head and what it could be. It's interesting how Karesema has actual evidence in the supernatural but still remains appropriately sceptical. Characterisation (particularly Karesema and Floreca) and the worldbuilding remain my favourite things about this story. The chronology isn't confusing, it's very straightforward here. Since this chapter title is written differently, as a detour I have no trouble assuming things will be explained a little outside of regular time.
4/20/2021 c6 Inkysparrow
I feel so bad for the sisters and their mother. You did a great job of showing the life of an abused woman and children without going too far. Your ability to show constraint in your descriptions and dialogue is fantastic. The chapter ends well, and you already know why Karesema feels nauseous. I didn't notice any errors in this chapter.
4/20/2021 c5 Inkysparrow
Great tension. Would have loved to know what Acajego was having a tantrum over. You had one wrong word in the fourth to the last paragraph: blaspheme should be blasphemy. Blaspheme is a verb. This was a grim chapter. I'd had high hopes! I'd hoped that the monster would maybe turn over a new leaf, but looks like it's not the case!
4/20/2021 c4 Inkysparrow
I like the strength of Floreca. She's trying so hard to be the better person even in the face of Acajego's violence. Acajego kind of reminds me of Heidi's grandfather in his dealings with her (not so much with her sister, poor thing). The story is progressing well! We've learned more about Karesema and Floreca's childhood, and the ending made me want to turn the page to see what stories they would tell each other.
4/20/2021 c3 Inkysparrow
I loved the origin story of the monster. What a great picture of the protagonist's early childhood. I am quite interested in seeing whether the monster gets to be turned back into a man. It seems like he's not as old as I originally thought, or perhaps the story is merely fantasy and the acajego never was a man like he insists on the previous chapter.

No errors particularly stood out in this chapter.
4/20/2021 c2 Inkysparrow
Another great chapter. There were a couple typos, but you have a great pacing going on. I'm sorry I was so curious about what the monster looked like. Yeargh! Loved the additional world-building in your story. The explanation of the names, and the attitude of the monster were sensational.

The two errors I saw: You used the word week (as in seven days), for weak (as in sick in the body) in the second paragraph.

In paragraph 25, you need a space between pachjo and was
4/20/2021 c1 Inkysparrow
This first chapter starts off with a great origin story. It's a god-like monster that seems eternal. I would have liked to see a description of the monster, but I expect that comes later. The development of the local culture is well written. In this short chapter you get a real sense of the way humans learn to adapt to even the most horrifying of circumstances.
4/3/2021 c16 51Electrumquill
Wow, what an ending. Almost Beckettian in its nihilism. I know that being smacked against a rock will probably kill a human, but I had been trying to attribute a different structure to the story in my head, like the priests trying to attribute a higher purpose to the monster and its craving for human flesh. You will already know Tom Clancy’s comment on real life compared to fiction – real life doesn’t have to make sense. A simple accident or random event can kill someone, regardless of whether it ought to. But there is definitely a genre of fiction that imitates real life in this way. There is certainly an audience for it. This novella would be highly praised by an audience that wants fiction that takes place in a world where gods are definitely not real. And nearly all fiction is for niche interests, so this whole piece is a big success, but if you were to market it, it would have to be pitched towards that audience who want stories with a nihilistic bent.

I’m sad to reach the end of Acajego. It’s been a part of my review game for so long. But even the greatest of adventures must come to an end.
2/4/2021 c15 Electrumquill
I like the concise build up of the temple’s ambience. Helps me imagine the sounds as a kind of background noise.

Jadinda has a cute vignette about Floreca. I suppose angel stories have to be embellished, if they’re done retrospectively about an angel’s mundane previous life. A way to embroider the avocado stealing would be to make up a story like saying Floreca was the Avocado Baby (a picture book about a baby who has superpowers from eating avocado).

Karasema’s internal monologue about their society and the priesthood is incisive. They are like a microcosm of humanity in general, able to believe what they want, and to twist their perceptions to suit themselves. There is one crucial detail missing - we do need to know the scale of bride prices compared to desirable versus negative qualities in a bride. From my impression of the priests, my guess would be as follows: that beauty and a supposed connection to an angel or Acajego increase a bride price, and qualities like already being pregnant, or being a shrew drive it down into a negative sum.

Karasema is spot on in observing that the priests are viewing Jadinda as being like a commodity.

Karasema thinks the Acajego is evil? I’d say that’s a bit strong, but from Karasema’s point of view it makes perfect sense.
1/17/2021 c14 Electrumquill
As agreed, I am going to award an extra review.

Floreca’s faith in the priest’s has only just now started to waver? She is certainly a young lady of faith. Her aunt is definitely more practically minded, telling her what I would have been yelling at the screen if this were a movie. Why not get the Aĉaĵego to help?

The Aĉaĵego’s jealousy and tantrum does bring up an ominous subject. While it is certainly not a child, the Aĉaĵego is not exactly emotionally mature by human standards. It’s throwing a tantrum like a toddler trapped in a monster’s body.

I wonder why Floreca doesn’t suggest the Aĉaĵego go with her to intimidate the priests into making the rules she wants. I suppose she still has some religious faith in them. But it is unfortunate that she is a simple and honest kind of girl. She could easily have tried to pamper its ego. As it’s not an emotionally mature being, that kind of thing would be quite easy to do.
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