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for What I Lost

3/8/2017 c1 13Shailaputri
Whether that blue eyed person left her or died? I am bit confused.
2/28/2017 c1 5Marjulie
I'll start this with what I didn't understand: the last paragraph. "This apartment was a can of missing, barely live in with a freezer full of well-meant but untouched casseroles." I think I understand what you meant, but a reader would be thrown of trying to understand what you meant.

Another I head a problem with is "I receded as it did, moving further into my side of the bed, and ate standing on the balcony from tiny, square Chinese take-out boxes." From how I read it, she loses/hides a part of herself as the last of his presence is fading with time, that I clearly understood. But you lumped it with eating Chinese take-out on a balcony. We go from imagining her lying in bed moving further his side to avoid the fact that the past is gone and she doesn't need reminding to being transported to balcony and eating all in one sentence.

Now on to what I liked about it. I think it exemplifies how you think it's going to be okay and the world will still carry the same experience for you after a loss, but that's not true. I think that our lives are bound, and if you lose someone, there would always be a missing feeling that would not exist if they had been by our side.
2/28/2017 c1 wouldyoukindly
I'm pedantic, so I just want to point out it would burn your retinas, not irises.
Otherwise, I enjoyed your visual descriptions, though the last two paragraphs seemed a tiny bit disjointed to me? I was picturing a sort of midday park read, and then suddenly it's dark enough for streetlamps? It almost feels like there's a chunk of time missing.
Anyway, hope this helps a little :)
2/28/2017 c1 287Archia
I really enjoyed your story, I think the emotion of despair and hopelessness came across really well. How this tragedy has affected this woman is nicely expressed and it made me feel sympathy for her.
It was really sad and My one thought though is that some of the changes between scenes were a bit sudden. Your describing the park, which is beautiful descriptions, but then all of a sudden she's at her apartment. I think that there's a few parts in this where you've been very selective about the information you give, which at times is good because if you're writing something short then drabbling on is unnecessary, but it almost seems like it skips something and doesn't join up smoothly. Like here 'and turned back home. Dumping my purse..." It's obvious that she's entered her home but it still feels like it needs something in between to show that they're not from the same scene. It stops and then starts again at a new point. I think even if it's just on a new paragraph that would be fine, because it would show that that scene's stopped and another one has begun.
Still though it was a great story. I liked how you used that first sentence, I thought it was clever because typically a sentence like that would involve them meeting but it was really just a spark to her memories. I loved this line "But his eyes were brown when they should have been blue." It was my favourite out of it all and how that ties in towards the end is really good. This is definitely a story with good emotions, and it has a clever use of the first line.

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