for Accidents1/25/2022 c1 ninagumilang
I am so interested in your work. My name is Nina a talent scout for a fast-growing platform. May I know how to reach you professionally?
I am so interested in your work. My name is Nina a talent scout for a fast-growing platform. May I know how to reach you professionally?
7/15/2017 c1 
25Jaya Avendel
Wow. What a stunning ending. But I know that murder becomes a habit. Murderers left alone cannot break away from the killing of others that has become a part of them.
25Jaya AvendelWow. What a stunning ending. But I know that murder becomes a habit. Murderers left alone cannot break away from the killing of others that has become a part of them.
4/11/2017 c1 14DemigodessOfEternity
Beautiful, thought-provoking price exploring morals and the characters' relationship. Beautiful and I enjoyed this. Good ending
14DemigodessOfEternityBeautiful, thought-provoking price exploring morals and the characters' relationship. Beautiful and I enjoyed this. Good ending
4/3/2017 c1 27Monty Mason
Hello,
Before I begin the review, let me preface it by saying that this review may contain wording that may come off as too blunt, but it is here to help you improve as a writer and not meant to be taken personally. :)
Also, for other readers, the review will contain spoilers for the story so read at your own discretion.
Let's get started.
You have a very strong opening to a very intriguing and deranged story from the perspective of the characters. The decision not to describe the character features were a good decision in this case. It helps to give the story a greater level of craziness through this ongoing monologue, and it also leave room open for some wild imagination from the readers.
The choice of wording when you describe the slow but crumbling situation during the picnic is an interesting one. It helps add to the atmosphere of the insanity of these characters. It shows that while the son is already unhinged, the mother was hanging on by a thread that just snapped.
Let's take a look at what you did well:
1. Great job on keeping consistent tenses.
2. Good job on having great grammar and spelling, this further helps the immersion.
3. Fantastic choice of wording to really show the readers just how unhinged these people are and their insane world.
What can be improved on:
1. The story can use a bit of expansion with slight adjustments in pacing. While the pacing for the picnic scene was very well done, the pacing for the story overall could benefit from more material.
2. While avoiding character descriptions was a great choice, more details to the actions can be added for a more immersive read at certain points. Perhaps add in more details to the lead up of her son's murder in terms of feelings and the growing descent to insanity for the mother. But it is still good as it is, just something to further the impact on the reader.
Overall this was a fantastic short story. It only makes me wonder what you could have done with it if it were a bit longer. Definitely an interesting read, and a quick one to so I highly recommend that others try it out!
If you have any questions, concerns or clarifications, please do not hesitate to PM me :).
Kind regards,
~ Monty Mason
27Monty MasonHello,
Before I begin the review, let me preface it by saying that this review may contain wording that may come off as too blunt, but it is here to help you improve as a writer and not meant to be taken personally. :)
Also, for other readers, the review will contain spoilers for the story so read at your own discretion.
Let's get started.
You have a very strong opening to a very intriguing and deranged story from the perspective of the characters. The decision not to describe the character features were a good decision in this case. It helps to give the story a greater level of craziness through this ongoing monologue, and it also leave room open for some wild imagination from the readers.
The choice of wording when you describe the slow but crumbling situation during the picnic is an interesting one. It helps add to the atmosphere of the insanity of these characters. It shows that while the son is already unhinged, the mother was hanging on by a thread that just snapped.
Let's take a look at what you did well:
1. Great job on keeping consistent tenses.
2. Good job on having great grammar and spelling, this further helps the immersion.
3. Fantastic choice of wording to really show the readers just how unhinged these people are and their insane world.
What can be improved on:
1. The story can use a bit of expansion with slight adjustments in pacing. While the pacing for the picnic scene was very well done, the pacing for the story overall could benefit from more material.
2. While avoiding character descriptions was a great choice, more details to the actions can be added for a more immersive read at certain points. Perhaps add in more details to the lead up of her son's murder in terms of feelings and the growing descent to insanity for the mother. But it is still good as it is, just something to further the impact on the reader.
Overall this was a fantastic short story. It only makes me wonder what you could have done with it if it were a bit longer. Definitely an interesting read, and a quick one to so I highly recommend that others try it out!
If you have any questions, concerns or clarifications, please do not hesitate to PM me :).
Kind regards,
~ Monty Mason
3/20/2017 c1 1marvinanaconda96
Wow so intense! The mama part was a big surprise. I expected it to be between lovers or something. This had great detail but was very tragic also. The fact this mother had a hand in what her child did was even more tragic. I was a little confused as to where the child in question was a boy or a girl though i assume boy. The fact five girls were murdered because of what this child's mother said. She clearly didn't know her words would cause this to happen. Makes you wonder why she would say someone doesn't deserve to live. "People who hurt others don't deserve to live". "It was an accident". She would one day be talking about her own child. Then to take her child's life. Beautifully tragic. Great work!
1marvinanaconda96Wow so intense! The mama part was a big surprise. I expected it to be between lovers or something. This had great detail but was very tragic also. The fact this mother had a hand in what her child did was even more tragic. I was a little confused as to where the child in question was a boy or a girl though i assume boy. The fact five girls were murdered because of what this child's mother said. She clearly didn't know her words would cause this to happen. Makes you wonder why she would say someone doesn't deserve to live. "People who hurt others don't deserve to live". "It was an accident". She would one day be talking about her own child. Then to take her child's life. Beautifully tragic. Great work!
3/15/2017 c1 2PeachesForMe
Love this story!
One thing I really liked is the slow introduction. You didn't start off by introducing characters, explaining the setting, etc. You just let the reader gradually learn more things about what is going on. The writing style is also a bit mysterious/cryptic and flows very well!
There wasn't too much that I didn't like, except maybe the fact that it is in present tense. It works here, but I tend to associate it with cheesy YA novels.
Overall, I love this! It's quick but paced well, with realistic dialogue and the perfect balance of descriptive language. Awesome job!
2PeachesForMeLove this story!
One thing I really liked is the slow introduction. You didn't start off by introducing characters, explaining the setting, etc. You just let the reader gradually learn more things about what is going on. The writing style is also a bit mysterious/cryptic and flows very well!
There wasn't too much that I didn't like, except maybe the fact that it is in present tense. It works here, but I tend to associate it with cheesy YA novels.
Overall, I love this! It's quick but paced well, with realistic dialogue and the perfect balance of descriptive language. Awesome job!
3/14/2017 c1 3Sychronergy
Oo, I immediately gravitate to whatever piece uses second person because it's such a rarely used narrative, but it can be highly effective if used right. I'm actually fascinated by this amalgamation of first and second person narrative.
I immediately catch some intuition about domestic violence and the son killed the abusive father in order to save the mother.. that was a nice beginning. I like the story you tell here. I like how you use first/second for this really discerning mood. It's chilling, how that one praise/reassurance from the mother caused this nasty chain of murder/crime to happen. This is one short, but really, really twisted piece that really twists deep into your guts.
You know what's funny, though? I clicked this story after checking out your profile because the summary looked interesting. Then I read the story and I'm like: Yo, that summary does not do this amazing little story justice at all.
In terms of concrit, which I'm only giving because of your profile and you can take with a grain of salt, that maybe build up the innocent/sunny day/great weather mood just a bit more in order to contrast it with the dark story. I would also add just one more line that shows the mother's mood when she killed her son- her rapidly beating heart/maybe sweat, etc.
Great little piece right here (:
3SychronergyOo, I immediately gravitate to whatever piece uses second person because it's such a rarely used narrative, but it can be highly effective if used right. I'm actually fascinated by this amalgamation of first and second person narrative.
I immediately catch some intuition about domestic violence and the son killed the abusive father in order to save the mother.. that was a nice beginning. I like the story you tell here. I like how you use first/second for this really discerning mood. It's chilling, how that one praise/reassurance from the mother caused this nasty chain of murder/crime to happen. This is one short, but really, really twisted piece that really twists deep into your guts.
You know what's funny, though? I clicked this story after checking out your profile because the summary looked interesting. Then I read the story and I'm like: Yo, that summary does not do this amazing little story justice at all.
In terms of concrit, which I'm only giving because of your profile and you can take with a grain of salt, that maybe build up the innocent/sunny day/great weather mood just a bit more in order to contrast it with the dark story. I would also add just one more line that shows the mother's mood when she killed her son- her rapidly beating heart/maybe sweat, etc.
Great little piece right here (:
3/10/2017 c1 2Murphy Chapelwood
I didn't read the summary before reading the piece, and I am sort of glad I didn't because I feel it gives a bit too much away; I enjoyed the revelation of their relationship as it unfolds in the story—mother and child. I, at first, thought they might be siblings, but upon a second reading (and after seeing the blurb) it's much more clear.
I actually made a little audible noise at the sentence with the knife and had to look around to see if anyone heard me, despite the fact I was in an empty room. Which means, for me, you definitely accomplished your goal with this short story.
There's one grammatical thing which continued to creep up for me, though: when the dialogue tags (plus other narration) continue to end with commas before the dialogue continues. The very first line it is done correctly—for the most part ("but" should not be capitalized)—other places it's not the case. The tag/narration should end with a comma before resuming dialogue only when it interrupts a sentence; if a brand new sentence of dialogue continues after the tag, then a period is the preferred punctuation. For instance: " "I have to thank you for saving me," you say, looking searchingly at me."There was a . . ." Both sides of the dialogue tag are complete sentences.
Otherwise, a fine and impactful piece of writing—bareboned in an honest and refreshing way.
2Murphy ChapelwoodI didn't read the summary before reading the piece, and I am sort of glad I didn't because I feel it gives a bit too much away; I enjoyed the revelation of their relationship as it unfolds in the story—mother and child. I, at first, thought they might be siblings, but upon a second reading (and after seeing the blurb) it's much more clear.
I actually made a little audible noise at the sentence with the knife and had to look around to see if anyone heard me, despite the fact I was in an empty room. Which means, for me, you definitely accomplished your goal with this short story.
There's one grammatical thing which continued to creep up for me, though: when the dialogue tags (plus other narration) continue to end with commas before the dialogue continues. The very first line it is done correctly—for the most part ("but" should not be capitalized)—other places it's not the case. The tag/narration should end with a comma before resuming dialogue only when it interrupts a sentence; if a brand new sentence of dialogue continues after the tag, then a period is the preferred punctuation. For instance: " "I have to thank you for saving me," you say, looking searchingly at me."There was a . . ." Both sides of the dialogue tag are complete sentences.
Otherwise, a fine and impactful piece of writing—bareboned in an honest and refreshing way.