Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Amusement

6/19/2017 c5 32Harmony'sLoveHP
So...the character's being animated was just part of the delusion? I'm kind of confused on that part.
I don't have any advice to give on this last chapter other than it might have been funny to see what his boss's reaction was to everything that happened while they were under the influence of the happy pill. I mean, that is assuming that his boss ever comes off of the happy pill.
That was a shocker ending! I probably should have seen something like that coming, considering that Sammy was so against the cartoons to begin with. I knew there had to be a reason behind Sammy throwing himself into his work, but that wasn't what I was expecting. I was expecting something along the lines of having bad parents or someone telling him that he would never be capable of achieving anything great.
I loved the ending, though. It's like a punch to the gut, but it makes everything so much more clear and ties together the events in the story.
I don't really have any advice for you on how to improve the overall story. I'm still trying to get accustomed to the comedy genre. It's not one that I have read a lot, so it's taking me awhile to get the hang of it as a reader.
I wasn't sure how I felt about this story from the get-go. I thought that it was strange and it was definitely not something that I had ever read before. For some reason, though, it had something that I liked. I'm not sure if it was because it wasn't like anything that I've read before or if it's just the bizarre things that happen during the course of the story. Nevertheless, it was a job well done. I enjoyed reading it. Now, onto the next one!
6/19/2017 c4 Harmony'sLoveHP
Okay, so I'm taking it that this is where Sammy is under the influence of the happy drug. It's very interesting and strange, which works with the rest of the scenes in the story.
There's something off with the beginning of the chapter, but I'm not quite sure what it is, to be honest. It may be the abrupt black out in the last chapter to being thrown into this chaos of a dream-like state. It works with the story, though, and I think it has more to do with the ending of the previous chapter than it does with this chapter.
I like this chapter because everything that has been happening in it is not even remotely close to who Sammy is as a person. Nippy reminds me of the Mad Hatter and Sammy sort of plays the role of Alice (except he's a lot more uptight). It works. There's just something about the combination of the two that makes it seem like a good thing.
I like that even though Sammy is under the influence of this drug, you can still see parts of his personality creeping through. The anger, the impatience, all of the things that make Sammy Sammy are evident as he is thrust into this crazy world. He’s handling it in stride, be it that it’s due to the drugs or that Sammy is not allowing for the craziness to get to him. He’s not reacting as much as he did with the guard, which I think is good, but he is also trying to figure out what in the world is going on.
The inclusion of the hyena was a smart move since people often refer to them as laughing hyenas or someone laughed like a hyena.
I can understand Sammy’s dislike for the animated characters and I do understand where he is coming from. It seems like all of the cartoon shows/movies have similar characters and a lot of times there isn’t something that is super original about them. I also can understand that he is an adult. These characters are probably more appealing to a younger audience (i.e. the small children mentioned in the previous chapter). If these characters were designed to be more appealing for all ages, then perhaps Sammy wouldn’t dislike them so much (but then there wouldn’t be much of a story, now would there?).
So, now we know why the pill didn’t work on Sammy. Why is that just now being mentioned, though? Didn’t it seem odd to Nippy and the others that Sammy wasn’t as happy as they were or is that something that they aren’t able to comprehend? Why didn’t they question why Sammy was being such a grump? It could be that they aren’t capable of seeing anything but happiness, but I feel like that is something that should be addressed and that it shouldn’t be Sammy who brings up the fact that the pill didn’t work on him (but that’s just my opinion).
“’He’s a rock star who speaks Australian, right?” This sentence makes it seem like people from Australia speak another language. It’s still English, just with a different accent and slang words (technically deemed Australian English). It’s nothing major. It just doesn’t exactly flow.
The story just took a dark turn. I like it, though. The fact that Nippy and the other characters wanted to get rid of the bear because he was stealing the spotlight from him adds the perfect amount of drama, and is kind of a pick-me-up for the chapter. It was getting a little dull to have the characters super happy and to have Sammy questioning them about why they were so happy and such. It came in at the right moment and drew me back into the story.
I love this line: “Even in the cartoon world, violence was not professional in his line of work.” This coming from the guy who beat up the security guard and threatened the ticket person!
These last few paragraphs of the story help to draw the reader back in to the story and it’s all due to Nippy, who I kind of hated at the beginning of the chapter. It’s good that you showed that he’s not what he appears to be and is actually quite the opposite of what he appears to be. It definitely spices up the story!
The ending to this chapter was better. It wasn’t as abrupt as the previous chapter. This chapter was definitely a lot more informative than the previous chapters. We found out why the pill didn’t work on Sammy, we met the characters of the park, and we found out that Nippy is not the happy-go-lucky cat that he appears to be. Nice work.
6/13/2017 c3 Harmony'sLoveHP
The first paragraph really draws the reader in and I quite enjoyed it. I found it funny how he drew from his experience with Japanese business people to try and find a way to connect with the children who were running up to him. (I guess the drug didn't help him to do such a thing.)
The drugs don't seem to have the same effect on Sammy as they do with the other people within the park. Perhaps he is somewhat immune to them. I'm interested in seeing how that plays out. It could also be because of the type of person he was before he took the drugs.
Maybe Sammy took a different drug because he had a character costume on. I'm not sure if I missed something or if it'll be revealed later what is going on (I'm hoping that's the case, but it's been a few weeks since I read chapter two).
I really don't have anything to say about this chapter. I thought that they length of the chapter was good. The pace of the chapter was perfect. Nothing was too stretched out or too quick.
My favorite parts had to be at the beginning and at the end. I don't know why, maybe it's just because of how Sammy reacts to those events.
I like that Sammy is consistent throughout the story, even when he is under the influence of the drug. His main reason for being there was business and he was not going to allow anything to deter him from that.
I wish that I could give you more feedback on this chapter, but I didn't see anything that really needs to be changed or fixed. There weren't any grammatical or spelling errors that I saw. The plot of the chapter fit in with the story, so nice work :) (I think it would be interesting, though, to see what Sammy would do if he were under the same influence of the drug like the rest of the amusement park goers just because that's not the type of person he is).
5/24/2017 c2 Harmony'sLoveHP
Wow. Sammy truly does have trouble keeping his temper under control. It does make for an interesting character, though, and I still am curious as to where all of his anger came from. Is it because he's tired of people not doing their jobs? That's understandable. I too can grow quite frustrated with people who do not do what they are supposed to do (although I don't beat people up for it, either). So, that leads me to wonder was there something in his past that made him who he is or is is just who he is? Does he have some kind of disorder or something that causes him to react the way that he does? I look forward to exploring his character more in the coming chapters.
I can only imagine what people thought when they saw Sammy walking through the park! The descriptions you provide allow for us, as the reader, to visualize how he is moving. I just wonder why there wasn't a bit more commotion from some of the people waiting in line at the ticket counter when Sammy grabbed the man by the shoulders. Surely someone would have said something to him about it. I also think it would be beneficial to add something in when he is walking through the park, such as "Sammy scarcely noticed the way the mothers clutched their children protectively to their side when he passed by them". Something like that to show their reactions.
So, Sammy's against people falling for the tricks of advertising. That's understandable. A lot of people can become frustrated with how people give in to the way that companies draw people in. It's a lot like going to Disney World/Land and getting the mouse ears that you're only going to wear during your time at the actual parks and not anywhere else (although, some people may).
I thought that something was off about the chapter, but it wasn't until the conference room scene that I really felt like something was off. I'm not saying that it has anything to do with what you wrote. That's not the case. Now I'm wondering if people didn't react to him because he's living in some sort of delusion, especially since his boss wasn't infuriated that he was late nor did he ask why his face was all beat up.
Oh. My. No wonder everyone is so happy at that park! That is a plot twist. I was thinking that maybe Sammy was knocked out and that it was all a dream. Nicely done. Can't wait to read the rest of it!
5/23/2017 c1 Harmony'sLoveHP
I liked how in the beginning, we got a little insight into who Sammy was as a person before we were actually introduced to him. It sort of prepared us for what was to come later in the story.
In the first paragraph, the period goes outside of the quotation since it's not a conversation or the end of a quote.
At the start, I also don't understand why we need to know that the investment firm has its own marketing and advertising department unless Sammy works in one of those departments, in which case I would clarify which one he works in or if he's a floater or something. Just give us a reason to think that is something important.
It's one thing to want to do something the correct way, but it's another thing to make sure that everything is completely perfect. I think that Sammy's colleagues are correct in saying that something from his past must be causing him to act the way that he does and I look forward to exploring what it is that made him the way that he is.
It's clear from the first few paragraphs that Sammy is highly critical of himself and of others. Perhaps this is also the result of something that happened to him in his past. At least I hope it is.
The scene with the crossing guard really gives an insight into who Sammy is as a person and I don't think that I like him, but it's good writing on your part. I have a question, though: Is this meant to be a humor story? I just want to treat it the right way.
"He drove through the passage without incident" implies that there wasn't an incident when there was. I think that editing it to say something along the lines of "...any other incident" may help that since he did get into it with the guard.
Wow, what an ending. Is it bad that I liked it? As bad as it sounds, I was glad that Sammy got what was coming to him. Great cliffhanger! Now I'm eager to read more.
3/11/2017 c1 jblakethegod
Hey zippywings,

So, a couple of things about your piece. What first drew me in to click on your story was the premise - the idea of a stiff businessman having to come up against a Fun land mascot seems very fresh and interesting, so kudos for that. You've done well to characterize Sammy as this stiff, professional kind of guy, and I like that as well.

Now the stuff I think can be built on a little more. In my opinion, I'd cut everything before Sam says "I'm not amused by your policies". I feel your trying to tell too much to the reader beforehand, give them a little too much information, perhaps feeling like they won't enjoy it as much if they don't know everything. In my experience as an avid reader (and amateur writer), I've rarely found this to be the case. Don't start with exposition - start with *action*, and weave the exposition in through narrative and dialogue. What will make the readers want to keep reading is to answer the questions you've forced them to ask themselves, such as:

- Why is Sammy at Fun Land?
- What makes him so on edge about this particular job?
- Why is he so damn stiff and professional?

Now, about the scene itself. It's a bit zany and goofy. Maybe this is a plot point later down the line, but this "shiny car" policy doesn't even make sense and sort of takes me out of the story a bit. Secondly, I'm forced to ask why Sammy would physically assault someone when he could easily be sued and loose his job/livelihood, especially if these are things that he's supposed to value above all else. It doesn't seem worth the risk.

Likewise, I'm unsure why our attendant would risk *his* job or livelihood by actually hitting Sammy's car window - over a name tag that can surely be replaced for less than 10 dollars. I can give more leeway to this one, though, since I suppose there are crazy people like that in the world and this could just be downright insane. For Sammy, it really didn't seem to be in character.

At the end of the chapter, I asked myself (as I ask myself after every first chapter of a book I read): Would I really read on?

To be honest - Meh. Maybe. I probably will, just because I want to see the mascot (like I said, your premise is very interesting and I'd love to see where you take it). But did the first chapter really sell me? Not as much as I think it could.

Good luck with everything my friend, if you have questions let me know.

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service