for The Line Between4/24/2017 c5 
1jkleeberger22
The sword is what chooses the king, isn't it? And if that's true, there has to be some significance in it continuing to appear to Kavin...
Anyhow, good work on this story. I thought the first chapter was very well done. The whole boat race, the sinking of the phoenix, and people's immediately frightened reactions were a great way to introduce your world, its lore, and the people by showing us details about them instead of telling. You did a great job of capturing their shocked horror when the boat sank.
I also liked the detail that the child in the first chapter had a bruised knee. Even if the small injury isn't important to the storyline, that little detail hints that, like a bruised knee in the middle of the joyful celebration hints, everything might not be as well as it seems. You did a good job of showing a happy celebration in a city that is just beginning to see darkness growing, especially with Kavin's line about the incursions. At that point in the story, readers don't really know what they are yet, but that bit of dialogue still adds a great touch that demonstrates the underlying tension in the city. I also like that the town Kavin and Hanari reach in your latest chapters is much darker than Kwair, with the attacks from the wind runners and the bouts of madness. It allows us to see a little bit of what they might fear will happen in Kwair but that hasn't actually happened yet since Kwair is much better protected. I'm inclined to think that as they travel further, things will only get worse and worse.
Also, I like Kavin quite a bit. Because of his maturity, I originally thought he was quite old. I decided that I like him only being in his twenties, though. It's a bit of a twist on the cliche of the wise, venerable old healer, and it's nice to see a younger person being mature, level-headed, and competent. As I'm sure you know, most of the time teens and younger adults are portrayed as being exactly the opposite. (Like Shayle...I like that in this story, though, because I think his personality provides perfect contrast for Kavin's.) Speaking of that, I am definitely noticing tension between the mages from Kwair and the mages from Reilin (both from Shayle's comments and the mage who was talking to Master Faven in the library.) You've got me curious about what that's about, and I hope you will explore that deeper in upcoming chapters.
Anyway, enough rambling. Thanks for sharing your story, and please continue!
1jkleeberger22The sword is what chooses the king, isn't it? And if that's true, there has to be some significance in it continuing to appear to Kavin...
Anyhow, good work on this story. I thought the first chapter was very well done. The whole boat race, the sinking of the phoenix, and people's immediately frightened reactions were a great way to introduce your world, its lore, and the people by showing us details about them instead of telling. You did a great job of capturing their shocked horror when the boat sank.
I also liked the detail that the child in the first chapter had a bruised knee. Even if the small injury isn't important to the storyline, that little detail hints that, like a bruised knee in the middle of the joyful celebration hints, everything might not be as well as it seems. You did a good job of showing a happy celebration in a city that is just beginning to see darkness growing, especially with Kavin's line about the incursions. At that point in the story, readers don't really know what they are yet, but that bit of dialogue still adds a great touch that demonstrates the underlying tension in the city. I also like that the town Kavin and Hanari reach in your latest chapters is much darker than Kwair, with the attacks from the wind runners and the bouts of madness. It allows us to see a little bit of what they might fear will happen in Kwair but that hasn't actually happened yet since Kwair is much better protected. I'm inclined to think that as they travel further, things will only get worse and worse.
Also, I like Kavin quite a bit. Because of his maturity, I originally thought he was quite old. I decided that I like him only being in his twenties, though. It's a bit of a twist on the cliche of the wise, venerable old healer, and it's nice to see a younger person being mature, level-headed, and competent. As I'm sure you know, most of the time teens and younger adults are portrayed as being exactly the opposite. (Like Shayle...I like that in this story, though, because I think his personality provides perfect contrast for Kavin's.) Speaking of that, I am definitely noticing tension between the mages from Kwair and the mages from Reilin (both from Shayle's comments and the mage who was talking to Master Faven in the library.) You've got me curious about what that's about, and I hope you will explore that deeper in upcoming chapters.
Anyway, enough rambling. Thanks for sharing your story, and please continue!