for Tidbits4/26 c1 
11Azon220
You have a gift, don't squander it. This is the best story I've ever read and accurately describes my life in 5th grade. Like you, I was a loner and unable to make friends. I had falling outs with others. This is very well written and I am honestly floored at the accuracy of this story, it's as if I can see through your eyes what you went through. Childhood isn't easy and you should not sugarcoat it. Be unafraid when writing your stories, take risks and have fun. The point of writing is to release your creative impulses. I find it ironic, we both love English, of which I took Four years in High school. If I have one tiny little nitpick, it's the fact that you don't go into detail as to how your friendship deteriorated. You gave us just enough pieces to infer it but didn't go all the way. Regardless, this story pulled at my heartstrings. Oh how we wish to be children again. Then again, why go through that pain again? Well done
10/10
11Azon220You have a gift, don't squander it. This is the best story I've ever read and accurately describes my life in 5th grade. Like you, I was a loner and unable to make friends. I had falling outs with others. This is very well written and I am honestly floored at the accuracy of this story, it's as if I can see through your eyes what you went through. Childhood isn't easy and you should not sugarcoat it. Be unafraid when writing your stories, take risks and have fun. The point of writing is to release your creative impulses. I find it ironic, we both love English, of which I took Four years in High school. If I have one tiny little nitpick, it's the fact that you don't go into detail as to how your friendship deteriorated. You gave us just enough pieces to infer it but didn't go all the way. Regardless, this story pulled at my heartstrings. Oh how we wish to be children again. Then again, why go through that pain again? Well done
10/10
3/1/2022 c17 ninagumilang
This is such a great story. I really like your writing style. My name is Nina a talent scout for a fast-growing platform. May I know how to reach you professionally?
This is such a great story. I really like your writing style. My name is Nina a talent scout for a fast-growing platform. May I know how to reach you professionally?
9/28/2021 c3 3noveltealover
Heyy! Ahh, yup so I'm back like a year later... I combed through the last review I left on here and I'm internally cringing at my past self for saying I'll be back "sooner rather than later" to drop more reviews aha. But I'm finally back so, I guess better late than never in this case.
I find it neat how you combine a bunch of your works from the results of writing prompts or assignments all into one. Each entry is so diverse and focuses on different aspects of writing which is definitely helpful to improve on one's craft. (I should try to do that hah.)
Wow, this passage was impactful in a short amount of words. I was instantly transported there to SF alongside Reagan and her friend, Dana out on the streets late at night. I liked your vivid descriptions in this scene of the homeless woman as she laid bundled there and everyone ignoring her... because it's sadly a common occurrence. And the general population have grown accustomed to ignoring people sleeping on the streets rather than wondering like Reagan who is a sympathetic character if the homeless woman needed help or if there was something wrong since she noticed the way the woman clung to the parking meter.
Great work from this prompt! I thought of maybe combining multiple reviews into a single one but that may be long... lol so I'll come back again to catch up. Till then :)
3noveltealoverHeyy! Ahh, yup so I'm back like a year later... I combed through the last review I left on here and I'm internally cringing at my past self for saying I'll be back "sooner rather than later" to drop more reviews aha. But I'm finally back so, I guess better late than never in this case.
I find it neat how you combine a bunch of your works from the results of writing prompts or assignments all into one. Each entry is so diverse and focuses on different aspects of writing which is definitely helpful to improve on one's craft. (I should try to do that hah.)
Wow, this passage was impactful in a short amount of words. I was instantly transported there to SF alongside Reagan and her friend, Dana out on the streets late at night. I liked your vivid descriptions in this scene of the homeless woman as she laid bundled there and everyone ignoring her... because it's sadly a common occurrence. And the general population have grown accustomed to ignoring people sleeping on the streets rather than wondering like Reagan who is a sympathetic character if the homeless woman needed help or if there was something wrong since she noticed the way the woman clung to the parking meter.
Great work from this prompt! I thought of maybe combining multiple reviews into a single one but that may be long... lol so I'll come back again to catch up. Till then :)
8/3/2021 c17 30Aviantei
And now, the promised review.
As a bit of lore building, I think you nailed a the very myth-like tone in this piece, and the manipulative/lazy nature of Pixie gave me some vibes of Greek mythology. Not any particular story, but I definitely felt like this piece worked well as a myth is of the world kind of story. It makes me wonder how this story influences the world around it in the main narrative.
Thanks for the intriguing tidbit,
-Avi
30AvianteiAnd now, the promised review.
As a bit of lore building, I think you nailed a the very myth-like tone in this piece, and the manipulative/lazy nature of Pixie gave me some vibes of Greek mythology. Not any particular story, but I definitely felt like this piece worked well as a myth is of the world kind of story. It makes me wonder how this story influences the world around it in the main narrative.
Thanks for the intriguing tidbit,
-Avi
6/30/2021 c16 Aviantei
Heya, Pineapples, very glad to see you out and about this summer! Glad you could get a one shot in.
This one hit me in a very odd way, but I promise that’s a good thing. This sort of build of terror easily replaced by “oh it’s okay because we say so” even when it’s…not? I can’t tell if the announcement manipulated the actual reality into getting rid of the problem or not. It kind of makes me think about how we can have mass shootings get swept under the rug so easily in the States, and we all act like things are fine and normal, when they’re not. At least our POV “you” here still has something longer, so it’s not as if the attack goes forgotten…but it all feels very dystopian to me. Nice work for a shorter range story!
See you around the T-Sauce,
-Avi
Heya, Pineapples, very glad to see you out and about this summer! Glad you could get a one shot in.
This one hit me in a very odd way, but I promise that’s a good thing. This sort of build of terror easily replaced by “oh it’s okay because we say so” even when it’s…not? I can’t tell if the announcement manipulated the actual reality into getting rid of the problem or not. It kind of makes me think about how we can have mass shootings get swept under the rug so easily in the States, and we all act like things are fine and normal, when they’re not. At least our POV “you” here still has something longer, so it’s not as if the attack goes forgotten…but it all feels very dystopian to me. Nice work for a shorter range story!
See you around the T-Sauce,
-Avi
6/29/2021 c16 12LittleAlchemist
This was unexpected but interesting in many ways. A day-mare, a nightmare in the day. Guess making up words can give your protagonist a charming air to them. Especially with the fact she's got a husband, makes me personally envision her as someone a few years shy of being a new mother. The monkey-brain mania of everybody is certainly dangerous, with the destruction they cause to save themselves. Your protagonist stops to try and help the wheelchair man even though there's no way she could. Honestly in that situation, with limited exits, the disabled man is doomed and she's only dooming herself by trying to help him. Maybe it was a flash of sympathy. And the stress of it all affecting her judgment. At the end there, tragedies DO happen, but I guess false alarms also happen. Wonder what started it... some ass with a toy? Or some obnoxious kids wanting a laugh? I liked how the protagonist's monkey-brain knew she could leave her husband but didn't. That voice was her self-preservation isntinct and we got all these different voices and in the end our judgment decides what we go with and that's what matters. Not the individual voices. I know you like criticism so let me think of something... I feel a little cheated by the fact it's a 'false alarm'. That's what I feel at the end of this, but that last line still gets me thinking about a different trauma. And how you can get it even in a false alarm situation. Everything else: grammar, opening, ending, writing style, it was all very effective. But you've been doing this for a while so there you go.
12LittleAlchemistThis was unexpected but interesting in many ways. A day-mare, a nightmare in the day. Guess making up words can give your protagonist a charming air to them. Especially with the fact she's got a husband, makes me personally envision her as someone a few years shy of being a new mother. The monkey-brain mania of everybody is certainly dangerous, with the destruction they cause to save themselves. Your protagonist stops to try and help the wheelchair man even though there's no way she could. Honestly in that situation, with limited exits, the disabled man is doomed and she's only dooming herself by trying to help him. Maybe it was a flash of sympathy. And the stress of it all affecting her judgment. At the end there, tragedies DO happen, but I guess false alarms also happen. Wonder what started it... some ass with a toy? Or some obnoxious kids wanting a laugh? I liked how the protagonist's monkey-brain knew she could leave her husband but didn't. That voice was her self-preservation isntinct and we got all these different voices and in the end our judgment decides what we go with and that's what matters. Not the individual voices. I know you like criticism so let me think of something... I feel a little cheated by the fact it's a 'false alarm'. That's what I feel at the end of this, but that last line still gets me thinking about a different trauma. And how you can get it even in a false alarm situation. Everything else: grammar, opening, ending, writing style, it was all very effective. But you've been doing this for a while so there you go.
6/29/2021 c16 1punktrashnoiz
This was short but powerful. I liked the distinction between daydreams and nightmares, and how situations unfold very differently in each. I've definitely constructed scenarios in my head of what I would do in a situation with a shooter, especially back when I worked at a movie theater and they'd make us watch videos about it every few months. It's easy to imagine all the right ways to handle something like that, but reality always ends up being very different.
Even though there was no shooter in the end, the terror that the narrator went through was very real. People still got hurt, and the narrator was confronted with tough choices. I like the way that you ended it, as it shows that the experience really left a mark on the narrator.
1punktrashnoizThis was short but powerful. I liked the distinction between daydreams and nightmares, and how situations unfold very differently in each. I've definitely constructed scenarios in my head of what I would do in a situation with a shooter, especially back when I worked at a movie theater and they'd make us watch videos about it every few months. It's easy to imagine all the right ways to handle something like that, but reality always ends up being very different.
Even though there was no shooter in the end, the terror that the narrator went through was very real. People still got hurt, and the narrator was confronted with tough choices. I like the way that you ended it, as it shows that the experience really left a mark on the narrator.
6/28/2021 c16 L
Nice job, Pineapples! I really like this one, esp the initial distinction between how daydreams and nightmares and how, suddenly, the later has bled into reality. I can tell it's going to stay with me and make me think.
"What do you do with a traumatic experience that never happened?"
Nice job, Pineapples! I really like this one, esp the initial distinction between how daydreams and nightmares and how, suddenly, the later has bled into reality. I can tell it's going to stay with me and make me think.
"What do you do with a traumatic experience that never happened?"
11/20/2020 c15 12LittleAlchemist
Hahaha wow this was creepy. It brings up an interesting point. Do we know ourselves? Have your natural inclinations and true desires been hidden beneath societal programming? Is your protagonist a natural sadist murderer in his psyche? Since he seems unaware and horrified to see his girlfriend dead, if Jezallah's maiden is telling the truth then somewhere in his subconscious the protagonist does want to kill his girlfriend. That's effective writing because it takes our focus off what we thought was scary, and suddenly with a shock we realise the one we're closest to - the protagonist's perspective - is also scary. So I like the plot and themes of this. I also enjoyed it cause it had a good amount of mystery and tension throughout. It elevated until the end there. On characters, I liked the voice of the guy here. He was interesting and attractive. And he's with a more innocent girlfriend. I like that too.
12LittleAlchemistHahaha wow this was creepy. It brings up an interesting point. Do we know ourselves? Have your natural inclinations and true desires been hidden beneath societal programming? Is your protagonist a natural sadist murderer in his psyche? Since he seems unaware and horrified to see his girlfriend dead, if Jezallah's maiden is telling the truth then somewhere in his subconscious the protagonist does want to kill his girlfriend. That's effective writing because it takes our focus off what we thought was scary, and suddenly with a shock we realise the one we're closest to - the protagonist's perspective - is also scary. So I like the plot and themes of this. I also enjoyed it cause it had a good amount of mystery and tension throughout. It elevated until the end there. On characters, I liked the voice of the guy here. He was interesting and attractive. And he's with a more innocent girlfriend. I like that too.
11/20/2020 c14 LittleAlchemist
On writing I will say this was very flowery. I enjoyed the use of rarer and more beautiful words, like sibilance which I haven't heard before. And one of your lines "omnipresent reassurances echoes in tree-leaves all night" is basically poetry. This ties into spelling and grammar, I see no errors in your work. This is another facet of doing justice to words and writing, as we all know spelling errors can mar an entire piece of work. On techniques I want to talk about how you effectively induce sensation. The line "trees with perfect nooks for climbing" got me more than any other with a strange hit of comfort, also "lemon and salt and cleansing fire", you touch on every possible sensation in this which seems to be your goal. The opening also served to draw me in because immediately we get imagery, curiosity. Waves - of light? the ocean? The ocean it turns out, and comparing it to a friend makes this feel peaceful and safe.
On writing I will say this was very flowery. I enjoyed the use of rarer and more beautiful words, like sibilance which I haven't heard before. And one of your lines "omnipresent reassurances echoes in tree-leaves all night" is basically poetry. This ties into spelling and grammar, I see no errors in your work. This is another facet of doing justice to words and writing, as we all know spelling errors can mar an entire piece of work. On techniques I want to talk about how you effectively induce sensation. The line "trees with perfect nooks for climbing" got me more than any other with a strange hit of comfort, also "lemon and salt and cleansing fire", you touch on every possible sensation in this which seems to be your goal. The opening also served to draw me in because immediately we get imagery, curiosity. Waves - of light? the ocean? The ocean it turns out, and comparing it to a friend makes this feel peaceful and safe.
8/20/2020 c13 17Encore19
This doesn't have potential for anything more than this. I can't see it being fitted into a novel unless it's the only part written first-hand by this girl, though most of it is lost by the balloons anyway. I don't think it'd be too interesting if continued on, telling a narrative in this format with the mispelling and grammar issues of a young girl. It at least makes the author convincing. The girl also seems bratty, but her situation is bad.
17Encore19This doesn't have potential for anything more than this. I can't see it being fitted into a novel unless it's the only part written first-hand by this girl, though most of it is lost by the balloons anyway. I don't think it'd be too interesting if continued on, telling a narrative in this format with the mispelling and grammar issues of a young girl. It at least makes the author convincing. The girl also seems bratty, but her situation is bad.
8/9/2020 c12 Encore19
This was another interesting exerpt. On themes I like how the character's struggle to find work and her crappy job match the listlessness of Mr Koc's building rented to the other workers, and the disappointment of a life unfulfilled after leaving school. It would make a good theme for a novel where the character leaves an ordinary, unlived life for some supernatural complication. The Plot to me seemed to be the listlessness permeating through everything, how mundane it was to meet someone from school who was probably doing better than the main character. The caffeine mention, not getting the proper amount of sleep, the counter worker who got his job by being the son of Mr Koc and not caring to be conversational shows a lack of empathy and prevailing rational coldness in this place. The setting I have already commented on but I will say I like the descriptions of the crappy stores, how there was once a nice yogurt store but it was ruined by the greed of someone with more power. Upping rent and leaving the place dilapidated and then replaced, essentially crappy like everything else. I guess I like the morbid crappiness. On characters, I suppose I must sympathise with the main characters lack of passion or interest in aspiring to anything. It is unique in itself, not something that is inspiring with ambitiousness or commitment, but a flat sorta-hopelessness and it's just very understandable how some people can get there. Thanks for this.
This was another interesting exerpt. On themes I like how the character's struggle to find work and her crappy job match the listlessness of Mr Koc's building rented to the other workers, and the disappointment of a life unfulfilled after leaving school. It would make a good theme for a novel where the character leaves an ordinary, unlived life for some supernatural complication. The Plot to me seemed to be the listlessness permeating through everything, how mundane it was to meet someone from school who was probably doing better than the main character. The caffeine mention, not getting the proper amount of sleep, the counter worker who got his job by being the son of Mr Koc and not caring to be conversational shows a lack of empathy and prevailing rational coldness in this place. The setting I have already commented on but I will say I like the descriptions of the crappy stores, how there was once a nice yogurt store but it was ruined by the greed of someone with more power. Upping rent and leaving the place dilapidated and then replaced, essentially crappy like everything else. I guess I like the morbid crappiness. On characters, I suppose I must sympathise with the main characters lack of passion or interest in aspiring to anything. It is unique in itself, not something that is inspiring with ambitiousness or commitment, but a flat sorta-hopelessness and it's just very understandable how some people can get there. Thanks for this.
8/9/2020 c11 Encore19
Oo I have a negative critique this time, and it's about the blockiness of these paragraphs. Instead of being three big blocks you could find a way to neaten and nicen this a bit. It's not a slog cause it's only 500 words but if it were part of a full story it'd look like a slog. On the characters I like again how we get a feel for each character mentioned, the young kids, fat Adalynn, the main character, her boyfriend's suspicious Mum, her Grandma who probably doesn't approve of her gay Uncle being gay. I don't think the main character is horrible but she isn't especially empathetic and I like that about her, in that I get more of a feel for her. She is impatient with her Grandma's situation and impatient with the young kids, but good to them at times. The setting of the hospital was interesting, and the description of the waiting room being fairly chill is realistic as I've been in them before. The main character's view of a hospital waiting room is very catastrophising and I find that a little endearing. On the ending, it's kind of sad that Adalynn would be excited at the Grandma's misfortune and is acting concerned to simply play a role. Reminds me when I was a kid and told off by my Mum for being concerned when my Mum cut her finger with a knife. She thought I was being dramatic, I don't think I was... but I was young at the time so who knows. It's kind of a gross part about innocent childhood if that is true. Depending on her age, Adalynn should know better then thinking a relative's health concerns is like a TV drama or an adventure.
Oo I have a negative critique this time, and it's about the blockiness of these paragraphs. Instead of being three big blocks you could find a way to neaten and nicen this a bit. It's not a slog cause it's only 500 words but if it were part of a full story it'd look like a slog. On the characters I like again how we get a feel for each character mentioned, the young kids, fat Adalynn, the main character, her boyfriend's suspicious Mum, her Grandma who probably doesn't approve of her gay Uncle being gay. I don't think the main character is horrible but she isn't especially empathetic and I like that about her, in that I get more of a feel for her. She is impatient with her Grandma's situation and impatient with the young kids, but good to them at times. The setting of the hospital was interesting, and the description of the waiting room being fairly chill is realistic as I've been in them before. The main character's view of a hospital waiting room is very catastrophising and I find that a little endearing. On the ending, it's kind of sad that Adalynn would be excited at the Grandma's misfortune and is acting concerned to simply play a role. Reminds me when I was a kid and told off by my Mum for being concerned when my Mum cut her finger with a knife. She thought I was being dramatic, I don't think I was... but I was young at the time so who knows. It's kind of a gross part about innocent childhood if that is true. Depending on her age, Adalynn should know better then thinking a relative's health concerns is like a TV drama or an adventure.
8/9/2020 c10 Encore19
Great work, again. These challenges sound very good, like they really help writers gain skills. On writing I want to comment on the thousands of unconscious calculations are survival-mode brains make 'too late! too late!' and the mailbox snapping into the monster's maw. The bit-by-bit descriptions of the truck crashing into her, including the driver's reaction, were great. On plot this was a good idea, what ten second moment could be more poignant than death. The decisions and realisations of the main character in that brief moment were done well. On setting I appreciate the snow and ice, which gives it a feel and makes the accident more likely. I like the focus on random nearby objects, the frog ceramic pot and pinecone owl, helping us to visualise. I'll comment on pace, which is funny given the context of this being 300 words in ten seconds, the pace was obviously slow. It went moment-by-moment in a consistent way from what I could tell, not too many words were spent on a timeless heavy descriptions on the surrounding giving pause to this narration. It was divided, so good job with that.
Great work, again. These challenges sound very good, like they really help writers gain skills. On writing I want to comment on the thousands of unconscious calculations are survival-mode brains make 'too late! too late!' and the mailbox snapping into the monster's maw. The bit-by-bit descriptions of the truck crashing into her, including the driver's reaction, were great. On plot this was a good idea, what ten second moment could be more poignant than death. The decisions and realisations of the main character in that brief moment were done well. On setting I appreciate the snow and ice, which gives it a feel and makes the accident more likely. I like the focus on random nearby objects, the frog ceramic pot and pinecone owl, helping us to visualise. I'll comment on pace, which is funny given the context of this being 300 words in ten seconds, the pace was obviously slow. It went moment-by-moment in a consistent way from what I could tell, not too many words were spent on a timeless heavy descriptions on the surrounding giving pause to this narration. It was divided, so good job with that.
8/9/2020 c9 Encore19
This was great! One of my top favourites of yours so far. I've said this before, but this would be a perfect part to be in a young adult/teen novel introducing a character. On characters I appreciated the main character for being easy to empathise with, sports and also public humiliation can make people feel inadequate. I can understand why someone would take these lengths to avoid teachers and being seen by their peers. On writing I appreciate the attention to detail on the scenes, sports and methods the main character uses to escape her 'responsibility'. It's very realistic how she calculates the risks of each move and the descriptions are good. I suppose I'll comment on spelling/grammar since I haven't yet, I appreciate that I've seen no mistakes so far. I think I have a better ability to detect mistakes than most, I always recheck my work once after writing and that usually gets every mistake cause I always reread my stuff a few times and don't usually notice anything else the 3rd or more times. Always the 2nd I pick up a few mistakes but. I liked you showing me a new word, schaudenfreude, which I would've heard before but forgotten. On enjoyment, or the reason for my enjoyment, once again I am relating to a character struggling with school and being a teenager. She is smart despite her struggles, coming up with ways to avoid anxiety, and I relate to the hopelessness. Though not the stuff about periods, as I'm male, but that is still interesting to know about that facet of life as I still like to write from a girl's perspective every now and then.
This was great! One of my top favourites of yours so far. I've said this before, but this would be a perfect part to be in a young adult/teen novel introducing a character. On characters I appreciated the main character for being easy to empathise with, sports and also public humiliation can make people feel inadequate. I can understand why someone would take these lengths to avoid teachers and being seen by their peers. On writing I appreciate the attention to detail on the scenes, sports and methods the main character uses to escape her 'responsibility'. It's very realistic how she calculates the risks of each move and the descriptions are good. I suppose I'll comment on spelling/grammar since I haven't yet, I appreciate that I've seen no mistakes so far. I think I have a better ability to detect mistakes than most, I always recheck my work once after writing and that usually gets every mistake cause I always reread my stuff a few times and don't usually notice anything else the 3rd or more times. Always the 2nd I pick up a few mistakes but. I liked you showing me a new word, schaudenfreude, which I would've heard before but forgotten. On enjoyment, or the reason for my enjoyment, once again I am relating to a character struggling with school and being a teenager. She is smart despite her struggles, coming up with ways to avoid anxiety, and I relate to the hopelessness. Though not the stuff about periods, as I'm male, but that is still interesting to know about that facet of life as I still like to write from a girl's perspective every now and then.