Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Prince of Destiny

12/9/2018 c16 4She Who Loves Pineapples II
Oh, that’s the ending! I wasn’t expecting it to be over already.

I wish we could’ve seen more of Elsie, I was starting to really like her.

But the ending was really cute and I love the thought of Lee making baby toys.
12/8/2018 c15 She Who Loves Pineapples II
Aila’s Sense of humor sure is interesting. Haha. She’s like the typical annoying little sister being embarrassing in front of the big sibling’s crush.

That last part was... sweet? Weird? IDK TBH
10/16/2018 c14 She Who Loves Pineapples II
That’s a bit of an awkward situation, developing a thing for your date’s son...
3/2/2018 c6 11LittleAlchemist
Awwww no Lee is so sweet! Imagine if Karl's grandmother reacted badly because of her appearance and being a night-hag. Lee would be so upset and probably cry and I would cry. That part at the end was a little eerie though. Imagine if Lee killed Cintia because she never wanted Karl to leave her. Lee doesn't seem like that at all though. Cintia is a wild child for sure, picking up that knife and stabbing. I have no idea if Cintia will become a serious problem later on in the story, like an actual villain. She's a strange girl. The dialogue of the evil ghosts in this story is very funny. I get nostalgia from reading about the cauldron Lee washed Karl in from so long ago, and how they both read stories to each other. This is the sixth chapter and last I have to review... all in all this has been very sweet. The relationship between Lee and Karl is just sweet and lovely. Lee obviously stands out the most as a character. She's fierce, nurturing and protective. And she's curiously sensitive, emotional? She has something there which gives her powers. She has an innate need to mother. Anyway, this story was very exciting when they got through the wall and faced off against those ghosts. My only advice would be to try to keep that excitement and mix it in where you can. Anyway, good job!
3/2/2018 c5 LittleAlchemist
This chapter was very well done, I enjoyed it. I liked it a lot more than the last few. This is where the adventure kicks in. The descriptions are immersive with sensations and lovely. I enjoy the eerieness of the spooks and spirits. The world behind the wall. The ghosts taking the form of Karl's family was neat. For a second there I wondered if Karl's family was still alive and Lee was evil and it'd all been some illusion xD But Lee doesn't seem to have a bad bone in her body. Cintia is very cheeky and has all of the attitude that I mentioned Karl never had. I guess if Karl is sort of sickly it does make sense as to why he was so kind and conscientious as a child. The butcher evil spirit is also very cool. So great work with this chapter! I think if you want to hook readers in you should showcase stuff like in this chapter earlier on. Lee is an interesting and well-crafted character, and we get hints about her backstory and who she is.
3/2/2018 c4 LittleAlchemist
Oh dear, another cliffhanger. Your descriptions of the wall are very well-done, it's eerie and intriguing. So Karl is now sixteen and he does have feelings for Cintia, somewhat. I wonder if her family was killed and if she'll join them in the cave, but since Karl is sixteen I doubt they'll remain there. He'll probably be growing out of his roots. Lee is actually a really sweet lady. Leaving behind Lee's sisters was emotional. I wonder if they'll ever reappear in the story. Probably at the end, or near the end, if this ends up getting finished. I wonder what's going to happen next. What kind of encounter would Karl have with his grandmother. What kind of fight scenes or enemies will come up. I can't guess at this point which direction you're going to go with this. It would be really cool to get a good fight scene with an intriguing new villain, maybe a hitman who works for Steel
3/2/2018 c3 LittleAlchemist
I expected Karl to be grown up by now, but maybe there's going to be two parts to this story. It could easily have two or three parts, the second part having a grown-up Karl leaving and falling in love with Cintia. And then a separation and other major change before the third part where Karl finally gets revenge on the guy who killed his family and reclaims the throne. Anyway, Karl saw one of those evil monstrosity dogs gets its jaw whacked off with a stick, and lots of blood. I think even the sight of a grizzly attack dog could traumatize a boy of his age, nevermind the violence and gore. I wonder about Lee's sisters and how they spend their time, if they don't get lonely and don't have young children of their own to take care of. I guess they can go down and mingle with the mortals whenever they like, behind those masks.
3/2/2018 c2 LittleAlchemist
So they were just talking about the gut hounds when they arrive? That does remind me of a fairy-tale way of doing things, even if it's a bit... simple? Too easy? I preferred how you mentioned one of the fungi was for knock-out gas, and how that probably won't turn out to be useful until later on. If it will be. The dogs appearing right after they're introduced to us from the characters' talking about them feels like it breaks the realism. Karl is also very conscientious for a six-year-old. I don't think kids that young are aware enough to not be selfish most of the time, and he actually complements Lee to make her feel better. And he wasn't scared of heights at all and Lee didn't think to ask before flying out with him, unless they'd covered that before. Even with magic in a story I'm still a fan of realism, but that's me, cause I find it more immersive that way. The swimming in the lake part was legitimately sweet and I'm happy Lee and Karl are happy.
3/2/2018 c1 LittleAlchemist
I liked the descriptiveness of this chapter. I was immersed right at the start, all those glittering lights and the nice atmosphere of the ball. I thought this was middle ages, so I was surprised when you mentioned 'shots' and then the rifle. But I did read the summary first. It seems like this story is middle-ages in the fairytale sense but with guns and magic. It's handy that Leevana has such an urge to nurture, unconditionally it seems. Karl is very young and a prince after all, so he could've been a little shit. He could've stomped and made demands and screamed, even after the trauma of almost getting killed and losing his family. So it's lucky that both Leevana and Karl are such giving, well-behaved people. I liked the description of Leevana, the shade of her skin and the description of the caves. It all feels very iridescent.
10/10/2017 c2 16RisanF
We get some good slice-of-life interaction between Karl and his hag family. Karl seems a bit tentative about where he fits in at the beginning, but that vanishes upon the one-year time skip. I wonder if Lee's claws grow back after being cut. The chapter ends with a good hook; it's time for the story to start moving into high gear after this.

One thing I want to mention:

""I'm not the only silly hag. When you insert yourself into your story, prose or board game, does your self-insert not have to create her own art with self-inserts and does this process not spiral on forever? Whether a writer sees herself as a one in a million success and the life of any party, or whether she sees herself as a lonely creature that lives in a cave?"

Is this some sort of commentary on bad authors that write self-insert wish-fulfillment fanfics?

-RisanF
10/4/2017 c1 RisanF
Sorry I'm late reviewing this. Let's get to it!

First of all, I feel you should rethink the name "Max Steel." That's actually the name of an action figure line, which got turned into a cartoon and movie. People might end up reading this as something like: "I should get the pleasure of killing him, or my name is not G. I. Joe." If you're not married to the name, try coming up with something else.

"He aimed a kick and Karl with his heavy boot and then raised his rifle." (should be at Karl. Also, you might want to write Karl's reaction to the kick, like him doubling over or getting knocked to the ground)

The days with with Leevana passed pleasantly (delete second "with")

All in all, the basic story has been easy to digest. PLATs (People's Liberation Army Troopers) is a good name for a rebel force, especially if you plan on using them later. I don't know all the specifics of your world yet, other than the fact that guns and magic coexist, but that adds to the intrigue. Other than that, the only other question is why Leevana showed up so conveniently to save Karl.

Anyhow, good start!

-RisanF
10/3/2017 c1 81Timbo Slice
I like the hypothetical premise of this being inspired by the real life princess Anastasia and the Romanov family, a wealthy heir to their family crown is left as the sole survivor of their family according to the Romanov theories that have been circulating forever. It lends a breath of history and familiarity to see this story played out in a more fantastical world of mages and witches as you have quite a knack for conjuring up magical worlds.

I feel as though the beginning of the story is somewhat inconsistent in prose however. The entire narrative resides in Karl's attempt to write down the important events of his childhood which effectively take us out of the narration but then it says that Karl could not bring himself to write of the details that night in midwinter, which leads to the inconsistency of the prose. I think having the action take place in the present would make for more of a dynamic story without having the plot hinge on his writing in the past tense.

The witches are certainly colorful characters with their own personalities and quirks to them and the name "Max Steel" sounds kind of out of place for a world with more exotic and fantastical sounding names, though it remains to be seen how formidable of an enemy he is.

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service