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6/23/2018 c4 43zanybellecloudo
This story draws you in immediately. What did Cassum do that was so bad? The wolves terrified me I must admit. I saw a scary movie once. Ruined wolves forever. It becomes even more fascinating when he starts teleporting! A story with great potential because it offers mystery, sci-fi and emotional turmoil. A great start and written well. Regards, ZB.
6/21/2018 c7 13alltheeagles
Spot on, this story DOES have spots of rather good writing. The plot, though, needs to be developed at a less breakneck speed.
As for my ranking,
1) Ethan
2) Planetside
3) A Van
4) Iced Raccoon
5) ...
But that's just one opinion, so of course you can disagree with that
6/21/2018 c6 alltheeagles
I'm not sure what to say about this. I can recognise the anime elements, or should that be I can see the shonen anime that the writers are influenced by. You guys might want to tread a little more lightly to avoid the copyright thing. Humour? It's there, I guess, in a forehead-smack kind of way, but it's not my cup of tea, sorry.
6/21/2018 c5 alltheeagles
I appreciate the fast-paced action, but I have difficulty keeping track of everything that's going on, so that doesn't help the plot reveal itself. I did grasp the overall shape of things - Haze is trying to protect her brother Firenze who is some kind of chosen one, and she also gets caught - but the plot was rather disorganised with the many changes in setting. It also doesn't help that I am not familiar with any of the characters.
6/21/2018 c4 alltheeagles
The feeling that I get from reading this is overwhelmingly one of disorientation and confusion from the constant shifting of lines of thought. If that's deliberate then well done, you've achieved your purpose, but if not, then I think it's bitten off a bit more than it could chew with all the questions raised. Raising questions does indeed stimulate curiosity, but too many of them just cause frustration.
6/21/2018 c3 alltheeagles
Love-smitten genius geek paired with athletic gift of the gab. Sounds like a pretty good combination though I doubt Leo's infatuation is going to get very far the way Jewel is portrayed as being rather stand-offish. Their abilities are described clearly, but I think it comes as too much of a Ta-dah! moment. Dropping hints earlier on would have made the reveal much more satisfying, I think.
Finally, there are rather a lot of typos, which does take away from the overall experience.
6/19/2018 c3 43zanybellecloudo
Wow, he compared her to Hitler. Now that’s a backhanded compliment if ever there was one. I’m somewhat sceptical of Smith’s true intentions, the story gives the feel that Leo and Jewel don’t quite have the full story. Still, the plan seems like a good one. He’s a math’s genius and she’s some kind of natural warped leader who can jump high and run fast. I imagine the next chapter would see them arrive on Earth. I wonder if they’ll encounter human’s they actually come to like and whether they discover what Smith told them wasn’t as simple as it seemed?

Why not write a story where humans are the baddies and aliens are coming to destroy us! Good on you, Ethan. Your imagination is commended. Thanks for sharing the first three chapters with us, ZB.
6/19/2018 c2 zanybellecloudo
Oh, so they’re actually helping Jewel and Leo fulfil their destiny rather than interfere with it. That’s a relief! It always makes me laugh when a person is called ‘something else’. What else could they be? Alien? Let’s hope so. That’ll liven things up. I’m interested by the description of ‘people on Earth’ being like ‘devils in human form’. It really amplifies the instability of human’s and what they’re truly capable of. They will destroy everything just because they can. After all, that is true of any war. So far, I’m enjoying the short chapters and pace of the story. It works well as a YA sci-fi novel and if continued could really capture the attention and imagination of its readers. Thanks for sharing, ZB.
6/19/2018 c1 zanybellecloudo
I enjoy sci-fi stories immensely so I'm pleased I did (eventually) get round to reading this. I understand Leo is being recruited, but for what. I guess we have to wait to find out. When his world 'goes dark' I suggest a section break as it is 'end scene'. The second half was really good. It implies she is something vital to the future and these people are trying to stop her. Either way, it is a great way to start a chapter as it pulls the reader in. I'm looking forward to continuing the story. Sad to hear it has been abandoned, but maybe your friend will pick it back up someday. Thanks for sharing, ZB.
6/13/2018 c2 13alltheeagles
People groan and complain at cliffhanger endings, but I'm all for them if it keeps the reader interested. I suppose this could still be read as a one-piece, though that door is closed to me having read the first chapter, and it would work quite well in terms of thought-provoking-ness. The instant attraction is rather heavy-handed for me, but hey, it happens in real life so why not?
6/12/2018 c1 alltheeagles
If this is an opening chapter, it's neatly set up with the abduction of the two teenagers, who are presumably the MCs of the story, and there is the necessary hook to make the reader want to read on. However, if this is a one-piece, then I think it needs a little more cohesiveness and closure. Stories make you think and ask questions, but this one is just too open-ended for me to be a complete story.
6/12/2018 c7 10SaltwaterJanuary
This story was pretty good too. I loved the style it was put in especialy.
I'll say that the A Van 1 is my fav, this one is 2nd, then IcedRaccoon, then Ethan, then Jospeh.
6/12/2018 c6 SaltwaterJanuary
I have to admit, that was pretty funny. There were so many mixed cultures in there that it was quite a sight.
I think the illuminati members, the swords, and the last chapter were the funniest.
6/12/2018 c5 SaltwaterJanuary
I like the story itself, and its style. But I am confused- espevially by the earlier parts. I think maybe you need some sort of marker or way to tell that time has actually gone by, and these are not just violent dreams.
I like the characters provided, though this is not too long of a part here to judge by. It is all very mysterious indeed
6/12/2018 c4 SaltwaterJanuary
Very interesting concept. It makes me wonfer what exactly happened before all this (and what is it come).
The writing style has this feeling of...coldness to it, that makes it mysterious and interesting.
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