for One With Premise7/23/2018 c15 Will9035
Wow. This one was REALLY good. It started off with me thinking we were in for another one of your sci-fi adventures, and instead it turned into an extremely human story with a genuinely uncomfortable set-up. The way you wrote the entire scene with Noah and Abigail-every bit of it was fantastic. The inevitable cold politeness, the unintentionally tough questions from the kids, the debate about how effective the policy was about marrying someone off if their loved one dies in combat, the awkwardness and uncertainty about how Noah wanted to handle this situation versus the way Abigail wanted it to be handled...it was all totally believable, well-written, and I found the premise to be highly creative and even slightly plausible.
These aren't issues, but I did have two lingering questions (and it's possible I just missed them): 1.) is this taking place on future Earth where the continents and governments have seen a massive shakeup? And 2.) Is the Soldier's Creed mandatory, even if two other people in Noah and John's exact position decided they didn't want a stranger moving in with their spouses in a worst case scenario? I feel like you could write an entire novella about the creation of that Creed alone.
By the way, because this is me, I have course have to ask this: was the pairing of people named John and Abigail a deliberate nod to our second president and his wife? I'm guessing it wasn't, but I just thought I'd ask anyway.
Wow. This one was REALLY good. It started off with me thinking we were in for another one of your sci-fi adventures, and instead it turned into an extremely human story with a genuinely uncomfortable set-up. The way you wrote the entire scene with Noah and Abigail-every bit of it was fantastic. The inevitable cold politeness, the unintentionally tough questions from the kids, the debate about how effective the policy was about marrying someone off if their loved one dies in combat, the awkwardness and uncertainty about how Noah wanted to handle this situation versus the way Abigail wanted it to be handled...it was all totally believable, well-written, and I found the premise to be highly creative and even slightly plausible.
These aren't issues, but I did have two lingering questions (and it's possible I just missed them): 1.) is this taking place on future Earth where the continents and governments have seen a massive shakeup? And 2.) Is the Soldier's Creed mandatory, even if two other people in Noah and John's exact position decided they didn't want a stranger moving in with their spouses in a worst case scenario? I feel like you could write an entire novella about the creation of that Creed alone.
By the way, because this is me, I have course have to ask this: was the pairing of people named John and Abigail a deliberate nod to our second president and his wife? I'm guessing it wasn't, but I just thought I'd ask anyway.
7/8/2018 c14 Will9035
Unfortunately, I have to say that I didn't find this entry quite as enticing as some of your previous ones here. On the good side, while you're indeed correct that the idea of people reluctantly being betrothed isn't a new concept, I don't feel like it's one that's been done so much to death that nothing could make it work.
I'm not quite sure what angle you're coming at with the characters, though. Clearly Alexis doesn't like Aidan so much as she likes the benefits that a marriage with him will bring, and Aidan just seems like he's totally against the idea of marrying her, period. But besides that, it was difficult to get any solid read on the characters (including their ages), or even the world that they inhabited. If it weren't for your author's note at the end, I don't think I would've gathered that they were on near-future Earth. I guess the best thing I can say is that, I never realized how good you are at painting such a complete and vivid picture-however small-of your worlds and their inhabitants in these little stories, until I come across one that doesn't seem quite up to your high standards.
Unfortunately, I have to say that I didn't find this entry quite as enticing as some of your previous ones here. On the good side, while you're indeed correct that the idea of people reluctantly being betrothed isn't a new concept, I don't feel like it's one that's been done so much to death that nothing could make it work.
I'm not quite sure what angle you're coming at with the characters, though. Clearly Alexis doesn't like Aidan so much as she likes the benefits that a marriage with him will bring, and Aidan just seems like he's totally against the idea of marrying her, period. But besides that, it was difficult to get any solid read on the characters (including their ages), or even the world that they inhabited. If it weren't for your author's note at the end, I don't think I would've gathered that they were on near-future Earth. I guess the best thing I can say is that, I never realized how good you are at painting such a complete and vivid picture-however small-of your worlds and their inhabitants in these little stories, until I come across one that doesn't seem quite up to your high standards.
7/2/2018 c13 Will9035
I'm not at all surprised that this is a story you designed to be more of a comic book rather than a written tome. That sensation definitely shined through in the imagery and the course of events. It's a shame that this project never really got off the ground, because I was digging the action and the overall dark atmosphere (helped in no small part due to the fact that the enemies are literally called Darkens).
I'm not at all surprised that this is a story you designed to be more of a comic book rather than a written tome. That sensation definitely shined through in the imagery and the course of events. It's a shame that this project never really got off the ground, because I was digging the action and the overall dark atmosphere (helped in no small part due to the fact that the enemies are literally called Darkens).
6/18/2018 c12 Will9035
Sorry if this is self-centered, but I can't help but think about *my* Ross and his special (dead) lady Alicia when reading about your Ross and Allison here.
I believed you before when you said he had a thing for romance drama, but this entry pretty much removed any and all doubt. This is two little excerpts in a row that dealt with a girl feeling abandoned by a guy she reluctantly felt something for, so maybe from a placement perspective I would've put this story somewhere else in this anthology.
But, like always, it was well-written. It was a little confusing at times, mainly because I couldn't sense where and when this takes place (I'm guessing they're talking on Earth, in the distant future?), nor could I really tell how old the characters were. I'm sure they're in their late teens-maybe early 20s-but I still wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about these guys. Depending on their age, they're either pretty typical or they're slightly immature. Maybe that's what you were going for? I also know that emotional people don't always tend to be the most rational.
Still, this was an overall solidly written piece, though. It was just as well-written and emotive as anything else I've seen from you. I think I would prefer the characters in "Out of Touch" this cast after a cursory glance, though.
Sorry if this is self-centered, but I can't help but think about *my* Ross and his special (dead) lady Alicia when reading about your Ross and Allison here.
I believed you before when you said he had a thing for romance drama, but this entry pretty much removed any and all doubt. This is two little excerpts in a row that dealt with a girl feeling abandoned by a guy she reluctantly felt something for, so maybe from a placement perspective I would've put this story somewhere else in this anthology.
But, like always, it was well-written. It was a little confusing at times, mainly because I couldn't sense where and when this takes place (I'm guessing they're talking on Earth, in the distant future?), nor could I really tell how old the characters were. I'm sure they're in their late teens-maybe early 20s-but I still wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about these guys. Depending on their age, they're either pretty typical or they're slightly immature. Maybe that's what you were going for? I also know that emotional people don't always tend to be the most rational.
Still, this was an overall solidly written piece, though. It was just as well-written and emotive as anything else I've seen from you. I think I would prefer the characters in "Out of Touch" this cast after a cursory glance, though.
6/7/2018 c11 Will9035
...Wow. Dude, you absolutely nailed the characters and their chemistry on all fronts here. The opening scene with Amanda and Ms. Yuki was so warm, friendly and inviting that it legit felt like reading a conversation that two close friends were having. I wasn't sure you could top that as far as the emotional connections were concerned, and then you brought Mike into the fray.
You had Amanda's contradictory feelings down pat. I don't normally read stories where characters are so conflicted the way Amanda was towards Mike, but I can say with some amateurish certainty: you did it extremely well. Amanda's confusion, anger, and desire for him to stay came through beautifully. Well done to you here, sir. Well done to you indeed.
I almost want to say your characters worked *too* well here. When you were throwing around names like Castor, or the Eldritch (is that a Lovecraft term?), or Kyzylorda, I was honestly thinking, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see these people acting like people, not talking about their world." Hopefully you take that as a compliment, because I mean it as one.
...Wow. Dude, you absolutely nailed the characters and their chemistry on all fronts here. The opening scene with Amanda and Ms. Yuki was so warm, friendly and inviting that it legit felt like reading a conversation that two close friends were having. I wasn't sure you could top that as far as the emotional connections were concerned, and then you brought Mike into the fray.
You had Amanda's contradictory feelings down pat. I don't normally read stories where characters are so conflicted the way Amanda was towards Mike, but I can say with some amateurish certainty: you did it extremely well. Amanda's confusion, anger, and desire for him to stay came through beautifully. Well done to you here, sir. Well done to you indeed.
I almost want to say your characters worked *too* well here. When you were throwing around names like Castor, or the Eldritch (is that a Lovecraft term?), or Kyzylorda, I was honestly thinking, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see these people acting like people, not talking about their world." Hopefully you take that as a compliment, because I mean it as one.
5/30/2018 c10 Will9035
I feel somewhat silly for asking this, but is Kaine a character I should remember? There's something about him that strikes me as a little familiar, but I'm almost positive I never read "Trapper of Rabbits." Also, I noticed an allusion to Chronometrics, so does this take place in the same universe as TSG? (I would use the inclusion of multiverses as well, but I don't think those are exclusive to TSG.)
The same inevitable pitfalls are here like they have been in other little entries here-namely, the allusions to other characters or places (Franklin, Tavigan) that don't have the time to be developed in such a short span of time. Luckily they weren't all that distracting, and I was still able to pick out the important details you were trying to convey. I especially liked the characterization for "commander lady." I could picture her better than Kaine, oddly enough.
I feel somewhat silly for asking this, but is Kaine a character I should remember? There's something about him that strikes me as a little familiar, but I'm almost positive I never read "Trapper of Rabbits." Also, I noticed an allusion to Chronometrics, so does this take place in the same universe as TSG? (I would use the inclusion of multiverses as well, but I don't think those are exclusive to TSG.)
The same inevitable pitfalls are here like they have been in other little entries here-namely, the allusions to other characters or places (Franklin, Tavigan) that don't have the time to be developed in such a short span of time. Luckily they weren't all that distracting, and I was still able to pick out the important details you were trying to convey. I especially liked the characterization for "commander lady." I could picture her better than Kaine, oddly enough.
5/15/2018 c9 Will9035
Now this is a quintessential Bob Evans story right here. Is this actually a prompt that you've had for a while? Because it seems like such a classic "you" story that it's actually kind of odd for me to imagine you taking this tried-and-true trope and just playing it mostly straight right here. (Yeah, Laney is the reluctant adventurer, but Jess, who seems like a pretty obvious co-protagonist, is all for this adventure.)
The only thing that really stood out in a negative way to me was how you said Laney was knocked "on her ass." That just seemed like such a juvenile thing for a third-person narrator to say.
Now this is a quintessential Bob Evans story right here. Is this actually a prompt that you've had for a while? Because it seems like such a classic "you" story that it's actually kind of odd for me to imagine you taking this tried-and-true trope and just playing it mostly straight right here. (Yeah, Laney is the reluctant adventurer, but Jess, who seems like a pretty obvious co-protagonist, is all for this adventure.)
The only thing that really stood out in a negative way to me was how you said Laney was knocked "on her ass." That just seemed like such a juvenile thing for a third-person narrator to say.
5/5/2018 c8 Will9035
This was a pretty well-written and surprisingly heartfelt piece right here. I'm guessing a lot of your own musings about relationships and how to remember them worked their way in here. It was a little difficult developing too much rapport with Jake and Crystal while they were talking about some of their other friends due to how we never actually got to see them in action, but for reminiscing about a group of "ghosts" I think you handled this chapter as well as you possibly could.
The lights in the sky seemed a little sudden, but judging by the prompt you mentioned in your author's note, it was probably those mysterious lights that were going to be focus of the story and the dialogue prior to it was to just establish the characters.
This was a pretty well-written and surprisingly heartfelt piece right here. I'm guessing a lot of your own musings about relationships and how to remember them worked their way in here. It was a little difficult developing too much rapport with Jake and Crystal while they were talking about some of their other friends due to how we never actually got to see them in action, but for reminiscing about a group of "ghosts" I think you handled this chapter as well as you possibly could.
The lights in the sky seemed a little sudden, but judging by the prompt you mentioned in your author's note, it was probably those mysterious lights that were going to be focus of the story and the dialogue prior to it was to just establish the characters.
4/15/2018 c7 Will9035
I feel so silly for not realizing that some dialogue was written in Haikus, even when it was lampshaded at the end. I'm not so sure I'd say this has the same pull or weight to carry a full-fledged story like some of the other entries here have, but you were clearly having some fun here. The fact that it's in your comfort zone as far as genres go also worked well to your advantage here.
I feel so silly for not realizing that some dialogue was written in Haikus, even when it was lampshaded at the end. I'm not so sure I'd say this has the same pull or weight to carry a full-fledged story like some of the other entries here have, but you were clearly having some fun here. The fact that it's in your comfort zone as far as genres go also worked well to your advantage here.
3/26/2018 c6 Will9035
As soon as I read the first word of this "story" I was hoping that this was the same Marshall from "Forest Frenzy." I'm guessing a somewhat significant amount of time has passed since the end of that story; Marshall and Megan strike me here as being at least college-aged, if not older. (I mean, if I were a parent, I wouldn't let my high school son go on a vacation unsupervised with his girlfriend.)
The whole conspiracy-theories thing at the end came a little out of left field. It was a little jarring to see our heroes escaping a genuinely tense hostage situation in the airport, to suddenly being led into a (possible) Illuminati room. But, then again, these are the same two who stared down aliens, so I guess it's not THAT outrageous.
I must say, the chemistry between Marshall and Megan was every bit as fun and enjoyable as I remember it being. It's a shame none of your ideas for new adventures with them panned out.
As soon as I read the first word of this "story" I was hoping that this was the same Marshall from "Forest Frenzy." I'm guessing a somewhat significant amount of time has passed since the end of that story; Marshall and Megan strike me here as being at least college-aged, if not older. (I mean, if I were a parent, I wouldn't let my high school son go on a vacation unsupervised with his girlfriend.)
The whole conspiracy-theories thing at the end came a little out of left field. It was a little jarring to see our heroes escaping a genuinely tense hostage situation in the airport, to suddenly being led into a (possible) Illuminati room. But, then again, these are the same two who stared down aliens, so I guess it's not THAT outrageous.
I must say, the chemistry between Marshall and Megan was every bit as fun and enjoyable as I remember it being. It's a shame none of your ideas for new adventures with them panned out.
3/16/2018 c5 Will9035
No beating around the bush...this one was weird. But it was still strangely funny. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't chortling at the idea of a squad of cheerleaders shrieking in horror at being sprayed with brown goop. I have about a million questions about Barzon, Malts, their contraptions, their victims, and basically every other aspect of this little story. But seeing as how you wrote spontaneously wrote this in two minutes (and it's pretty darn polished for that, despite its ludicrous elements), I'm guessing that sort of analysis isn't really called for here.
No beating around the bush...this one was weird. But it was still strangely funny. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't chortling at the idea of a squad of cheerleaders shrieking in horror at being sprayed with brown goop. I have about a million questions about Barzon, Malts, their contraptions, their victims, and basically every other aspect of this little story. But seeing as how you wrote spontaneously wrote this in two minutes (and it's pretty darn polished for that, despite its ludicrous elements), I'm guessing that sort of analysis isn't really called for here.
2/17/2018 c4 Will9035
Out of the four mini-stories you've added here so far, this is the one that left me scratching my head the most. So, for the first half, Jenae was this totally normal girl who worked in a...company? Military? I wasn't quite clear on her starting position, nor on what exactly she did that made her worthy of Asterope's blessing. On that note, I don't quite understand why Asterope decided to turn Jenae into a godlike being herself. If Asterope was a super-powerful and intelligent being, how couldn't she see that Jenae would just end up killing her after granting her all that power. I guess maybe omniscience didn't come with the package?
Your writing style was on-point as always. I don't think I got the visceral effect you were aiming for with Jenae getting all those additional powers, but considering you're describing something humans literally can't feel I think your effort was still strong enough. This entry definitely left me with more questions than answers, though.
Out of the four mini-stories you've added here so far, this is the one that left me scratching my head the most. So, for the first half, Jenae was this totally normal girl who worked in a...company? Military? I wasn't quite clear on her starting position, nor on what exactly she did that made her worthy of Asterope's blessing. On that note, I don't quite understand why Asterope decided to turn Jenae into a godlike being herself. If Asterope was a super-powerful and intelligent being, how couldn't she see that Jenae would just end up killing her after granting her all that power. I guess maybe omniscience didn't come with the package?
Your writing style was on-point as always. I don't think I got the visceral effect you were aiming for with Jenae getting all those additional powers, but considering you're describing something humans literally can't feel I think your effort was still strong enough. This entry definitely left me with more questions than answers, though.
1/22/2018 c3 Will9035
This probably won't surprise you, but out of the three chapters so far this one has definitely been the one where it's the easiest to relate to the central character. (Maybe it was the line about snow in October, which I'm with Ben on. It's bogus.) I'll totally believe that Ben is one of your favorite characters to write, because it really showed through here. It's obvious that this chapter was in the middle of a much bigger story, but the quick explanations or "reminders" about the characters and other facets of this world (i.e., the magic sword) didn't make me feel nearly as locked out as I was expecting.
Frankly, this chapter seemed so natural that I'm shocked it's a standalone rather than something ripped from a larger work. My one gripe is that the "romantic" talk at the end was a little heavy-handed and melodramatic. Obviously it's a large part of Ben's backstory, but it was just a little jarring. The chapter started off making it sound like he was in the middle of a grand adventure, and it ended with him talking about not leading a girl on.
But that's only a small problem. For some reason I really like Ben as a character. I certainly wouldn't object if you posted more of his adventures!
This probably won't surprise you, but out of the three chapters so far this one has definitely been the one where it's the easiest to relate to the central character. (Maybe it was the line about snow in October, which I'm with Ben on. It's bogus.) I'll totally believe that Ben is one of your favorite characters to write, because it really showed through here. It's obvious that this chapter was in the middle of a much bigger story, but the quick explanations or "reminders" about the characters and other facets of this world (i.e., the magic sword) didn't make me feel nearly as locked out as I was expecting.
Frankly, this chapter seemed so natural that I'm shocked it's a standalone rather than something ripped from a larger work. My one gripe is that the "romantic" talk at the end was a little heavy-handed and melodramatic. Obviously it's a large part of Ben's backstory, but it was just a little jarring. The chapter started off making it sound like he was in the middle of a grand adventure, and it ended with him talking about not leading a girl on.
But that's only a small problem. For some reason I really like Ben as a character. I certainly wouldn't object if you posted more of his adventures!
1/14/2018 c2 Will9035
I agree with your original thoughts about the chemistry between Callie and Ezzi; there was something oddly compelling about it, despite the fact no one (yourself included) has any idea who these characters are or what the circumstances were that brought them together. I wasn't even sure which of these characters were good or evil. I guess the most I could say is that there Ezzi came off as pretty obnoxious and pompous, though with you that's never indicative of anything.
I agree with your original thoughts about the chemistry between Callie and Ezzi; there was something oddly compelling about it, despite the fact no one (yourself included) has any idea who these characters are or what the circumstances were that brought them together. I wasn't even sure which of these characters were good or evil. I guess the most I could say is that there Ezzi came off as pretty obnoxious and pompous, though with you that's never indicative of anything.
1/5/2018 c1 Will9035
Despite the little summary you gave, I couldn't tell that this was something you were still just playing around with; Sienna especially seemed like a character you had already developed, in the middle of a story that you already planned. I thought the two instances of someone speaking in all caps was a little uncharacteristic of you, but that was the only thing that really struck me as out of place or unnatural. I feel like if you decide to carry this forward beyond the prompts or experimentation, you could have another solid story on hand here.
Despite the little summary you gave, I couldn't tell that this was something you were still just playing around with; Sienna especially seemed like a character you had already developed, in the middle of a story that you already planned. I thought the two instances of someone speaking in all caps was a little uncharacteristic of you, but that was the only thing that really struck me as out of place or unnatural. I feel like if you decide to carry this forward beyond the prompts or experimentation, you could have another solid story on hand here.