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for Atlantech: Days of Darkness

6/21 c13 Rapscallion
I would've liked if there was some military protocol during Lynne's interrogation of Stephen: Lynne's a superior officer, so Stephen should've addressed her as "Ma'am", and Lynne should've spoken to him with more authority.

I was shocked by the lack of table manners from William, Justin, and Jayce. Aren't they old enough to know how to behave in a restaurant? Everyone got drunk; I think Victoria can be excused because of the grief she's gone through, but William, Justin, and Jayce are military, and should've watched their liquor intake.

Then Morane walked into the restaurant. The boss of Atlantis City was his usual rude self, dropping F-bombs with every sentence in a crowded restaurant. Morane's behavior was far worse than Victoria, William, and his friends.

I enjoyed the scenes with Victoria and William. I wish they had gone on this date alone, and that William told Victoria that he's her secret admirer.

Justin's plan of eavesdropping on Morane and Artis by hiding under the next table was a bit funny. I expected a waiter to catch him! Now Justin knows something's going on with Morane, Artis, and Stan. Justin better be careful.

I felt badly for William when he had the chance to score with Victoria, but Justin and Jayce dragged him away.

I enjoyed the scene between William and his sister Alley. I'm glad these siblings had the chance to talk, and I hope Alley appears more in this story.
6/11 c12 Rapscallion
I was really disappointed by William in this chapter. I thought he and Lynne had a great scene in the infirmary, especially since it hinted there was still an attraction between them, but William ruined it when he told Lynne he had a date with Victoria.

William told Justin he wouldn't reveal to Victoria that he's her secret admirer. That was cruel. William also allowed Justin and Jayce to accompany him on his date. That was stupid.

I admire Enrique's loyalty to Victoria, but he suspects she's a bank robber, and accepting that money makes him an accomplice. I did like that Enrique stood up to Maxwell.

Like Maxwell, it seems that Victoria hasn't seen "Goodfellas". Victoria was spending a lot of money and attracting a lot of attention while on that date with William (and his friends). I fear that Detectives Vince and Marks will be stopping by the Card Shack pretty soon.

Artis repaired Stan. I wonder if Artis slipped a special program into Stan's computer to block out
Morane's instructions or perhaps even kill him?
5/16 c6 1Sassy Lil Scorpio
So I wanted to say-I love the chapter titles. Is there a reason they're on AO3 and not FictionPress? They really add to your story. I also like the divider graphics you made for AO3. I wish they could be used here too.

Victoria is finding out the hard way that this life that she wants to keep up-it means committing more crimes. She'll put herself more at risk if she robs a bank again. Even though she didn't rob as much money as she thought, I think she should let this whole thing go. I have a feeling that Maxwell is manipulating her, so that he can bring her down. He's more cunning, manipulative, and he has less boundaries than Victoria. In their conversation, he made it clear that he has no problem with murder, whereas Victoria does. She wasn't able to put the first murder out of her mind. If she keeps on this downward spiral, she'll go to jail. No more nice home, nice clothes, or any nice things she wants. I hope she's considering this. I like how she told off Maxwell at the end.

The scene with William and Safiya and Rehema was really intriguing. I liked their names and meanings. I like that William connected with Safiya. That was really good to show you young children are innocent and trusting. They don't know about the hatred and strife that adults carry. What's sad is when adults pass that onto their children. I got the sense that Rehema would later on tell Safiya terrible things about William and the AMF. And yet, maybe she also had a change of heart because she did look at William for some time before leaving. I wonder if we will see these two again?

I greatly enjoyed Stan's segment. It was interesting to see the various addictions that people suffer from through Stan's eyes: gambling, sex, drugs, smoking, etc. I really liked how Stan questioned who he would be if he were fully human and not an android. I hope now that Stan sees who he is already, especially after getting Justin to safety. Stan has a good heart, even if he is aligned with Morane. He has a conscience, otherwise he wouldn't have pulled Justin out of the casino. I like how you are painting the complexity of Stan's character.

Woah! Victoria stole Brian Smith's money?! I love the twist!

I'm not sure what I think about Victoria giving Enrique the stolen money. It felt like she's trying to push it onto him, so that she won't get caught with it.

Victoria is making things worse for herself by stalking the bankteller and holding her at gunpoint. I mean, she even felt torn about it. She knows this is the wrong thing to do. I liked how you showed that by writing how Victoria looked away when she saw the cross that the bankteller was wearing. Victoria is going down a dark path. She has to be careful or she may never be able to go back.

I loved the ending-did Brian hear Victoria shoot the bankteller? I look forward to reading and finding out. Great chapter!
5/9 c5 Sassy Lil Scorpio
So now Victoria is robbing the bank. I wonder if she'll get away with it. I also wonder if doing this will backfire on her.

Maxwell threatening to harm Enrique was frustrating, given he's shown how sloppy he can be. I'm surprised that Victoria wasn't concerned about being recognized - even if it's just her voice.

Lynne's and William's exchange was interesting. It came off like Lynne was hoping the conversation would go in one direction, where she could get closure. William sensed that and let her have her peace, before telling her he needs help when dealing with Justin. I hope they can put their pasts to the side to focus on their mutual friend.

Wow! Enrique sure knows more than he lets on. That's probably best for his own safety. He has all this time to sit back and watch Victoria, Maxwell, and everyone else who comes into his establishment, so he's learning a lot about everyone around him.

Stan's scene with the little boy who witnessed him murdering a person was interesting. I hope more comes from it. That boy probably isn't the only one who feels that way.

Now Dendera is telling Lynne to bring back church. Lynne is feeling cornered, instead of trying to genuine understand why so many folks want him to return.

I like the final part. It shows how much Stan doesn't understand a lot of things such as karma.

EDIT: I like the tension between Stan and Morane in the final scene. Interesting to find out they are both fathers too. Morane seems heartless and Stan seems to have a soul, despite being an android. What will happen when everyone finds out Stan is working for Morane? I look forward to reading more. (By the way, are you still posting your story on FictionPress?)
5/9 c4 Sassy Lil Scorpio
It was nice to see Dendera and Sebak have a moment together. It was also nice because you could see they were effected by the war. Artis' response that they can go back to demonstrating was funny.

I liked the scene with Justin and his father. It was interesting to see that because prior to this, we saw how Lynn responded to her father, but not Justin or other characters. I'm wondering if Justin's rocky relationship will play a role in the story? I'm glad William got the gift basket. It's understandable that he's not sure how Victoria will react to seeing him.

Very interesting to see Victoria go against who she usually portrays. Instead of the damsel in distress, she's now taking charge. It's an improvement for herself and better for her to do that, than to depend on others. I just wonder if this new dark turn will backfire on her or help her.

It's good that William, Justin, and Stan were able to sit together and discuss how the war effected them. I agree with William that Justin has to make peace with his past. I'm surprised Justin is dragging his feet about it, instead of being appreciative of being given the chance to move on.

Maxwell and Victoria riding around in a bullet ridden care reminds me of Bonnie and Clyde.

I'm glad Justin took William on his suggestion and went to Chris' grave to make his peace. Justin thinks Lynn won't accept him back, but she might. He has to try.

Good chapter - interesting developments and looking forward to reading more!
5/9 c3 Sassy Lil Scorpio
So I started writing my review and then lost it. I'm gonna try again...

Victoria is thinking of robbing a bank?! This doesn't sound like a good idea. She thinks it's easy, but she should really look at it like: look how many bank robbers have been caught and put all over the newspaper. It reminds of a store I went to once and there were photos of everyone who tried to steal. Their mugshots were on display. That's not the kind of fame Victoria wants...but somehow she thinks this is the answer and Maxwell doesn't seem eager to convince her otherwise.

I like that Justin and Brian ran into each other. Justin has info that Brian is not ready to hear yet. And Brian wants to get back to the Card Shack...

Good for Lynne for trying to work things out with William. That's a good idea so that when she works with him, things won't be so awkward. I liked William's inner thoughts when he says the Tjatey mother and daughter walking by and how he reflected on the hate and prejudice that the little Tjatey will experience when she gets older.

I wonder if Vince was describing Stan there...and it seems Vince is onto Morane too. I wonder where this will go.

So Enrique knows about Madame La Rouge...it seems she gets around quite a bit. Maybe she was able to sense Brian's grief over the loss of his brother and the grudge he has against the AMF? And the last line about the mystery being solved...

So Victoria and Maxwell are about to do their first heist. I can see this blowing up in their faces in a major way. I look forward to seeing what happens.

Great job on this chapter, and also, I really like the chapter titles, the golden symbols for the scene breaks, and I read your message about your writing being your legacy. It was heartfelt. I hope you''ll continue to write and create more art as long as you can.
5/9 c2 Sassy Lil Scorpio
So I'm reading Chapter 2 and right now, Grace, Lucy, and Mipsy come off real petty for judging Lynne and how she met the man she's interested in. So she met him at a bar - not a big deal. You meet the right person when you do. This may turn out really nicely for Lynne. Those three gossips need to stop being so catty.

Abraham was right: Lynne has to forgive herself. I mean, even if she tried to prevent the uprising, it wasn't in her control. He gave her great advice. She couldn't control the Tjatey and how they felt.

Maxwell is such a jackass. It's like he wants Victoria to be miserable. Enrique was being kind to her. Victoria's response to the conflict was interesting. Does she know William was involved in it?

Brian's run in with Madame La Rouge seemed comical at first, but became creepy as time went on. She really had Brian hooked-even though he claimed he didn't believe in psychics. It makes me wonder what this "darkness" entails.

I feel for William being caught in between both worlds, not accepted by either one.

I liked the ending of WIlliam and Victoria looking at the same star, and I'm wondering now how she will save herself.

Look forward to reading more!
5/9 c1 Sassy Lil Scorpio
Wow! Great start! I really like how this chapter started in Justin's view. He's my favorite character and he always makes me smile, such as that confrontation in the casino-like setting. The funniest part was him throwing the bucket at the guy's face. Hahaha! I do like how you are showing the aftermath of the battle that he and William were in. It's not easy to just get back to the regular day-in and day-out after losing your friends to such violence. Their isolation, while still trying to blend in with society, is understandable. Even William wishes he could contact Victoria again. Speaking of William, I'm glad that he went off on Captain Lynne. She really was being so harsh on him and Justin, and they were doing what they felt was right at the time. They fought against the Tjatey, and in doing so, they saved many lives, while also losing others in the process. I like that Lynne realizes her error and ironically, she ends up at Enrique's bar. I'm curious Mortimer and what role he'll play in the future. I'm glad we got to see what happened with Stan and I'm intrigued that he ended up at Morane's place. I liked the scene where he sees his image on the Wanted signs posted around the city and him ripping it up. I want to know more about the connection between Morane and Stan as I sense trouble can brew... Looking forward to reading more!
4/4 c11 Rapscallion
This chapter had a few surprising moments.

I was surprised by William's spiritual meeting with Ammon. I like that you're continuing with William becoming the chosen leader of the Tjatey. I also liked that Ammon was sympathetic towards William's objections to being named the chosen leader.

I was surprised that Victoria killed that witness at her latest bank robbery for recognizing her. I know that Victoria killed that producer in season 1, but that was self-defense. I'd hate to see Victoria going through remorse over killing that witness because she's suffered enough already.

I was surprised that Morane cut off Artis' finger, because he ordered Artis to repair the Android Stan. Morane should've waited until Artis repaired the android, and then he could cut off one of Artis' fingers as a warning.
2/12 c10 Rapscallion
This chapter had a equal balance of humanity and violence.

I'm glad that Brian found Safiya and kept her company until her mother Rehema and William walked by the café. I thought this scene would lead to Brian being introduced to William, and taking a bigger role in the story.

I hope that William speaks out for the Tjatey. I hope he also starts accepting the Tjatey part of his heritage.

I was surprised that Morane (apparently) destroyed the android Stan.

Good chapter.
1/7 c9 Rapscallion
I think Brian will soon be playing a more prominent role in Atlantech.

I'm glad Justin has returned to the jet program. I hope there'll be a prototype for the season finale.

Maxwell obviously never saw "Goodfellas", because he's spent his share of bank robbery on himself. I'd like to see Maxwell attract some unwanted attention from the police and even Morane himself. I'm also angry that Maxwell slapped Victoria, and I hope she gets revenge soon.

I liked that William is finally going to introduce himself to Victoria. William's bumping into Lucy, Grace, and Mipsy at the department store was amusing because I thought he gave the girls too much information about his romantic life.
9/28/2019 c8 Rapscallion
Justin had some great character development in this chapter; he's more confident and forgiving, and eager to help with the jet program.

I liked Justin's reunion with Dendera. I find it amusing when she calls him "young corporal". You seem to be setting up Justin and Dendera to be a couple later on in the story.

Lynne should've broken up with her boyfriend over the phone instead of going to his apartment and telling him face-to-face. She agreed to have one last drink with him, and I don't like where its probably going to lead.

the android Stan's humanity keeps reappearing in peculiar ways; to save Justin, he brings a teenage thief to Morane, and when Morane orders the teenager's death, Stan kills him quickly so he won't suffer and lays his body on the ground gently.

Jayce turned out to be one of the most memorable subplots of this chapter. I liked that he admitted to being a coward, and that he and a friend hid during the Tjatey uprising at the AMF base.
4/18/2019 c7 Rapscallion
This was a great chapter for Victoria. After two seasons of heartache, it was great to see Victoria happy!

I'm glad that Victoria didn't kill that bank teller. I think she had a chance to get rid of Maxwell, but instead she told the bank teller Morane hired her to rob his bank. I think that lie might return to haunt Victoria. I liked that Victoria was able to treat herself to a new dress. Even though she paid for that dress with the money from the bank robbery, it felt like she earned it.

I'm curious as to what will happen to Lynne now that she's taking some personal time. I thought Lucy and Mipsy were rude to speculate about Lynne's problems, but I'll chalk it up to their youth.

You brought back Detectives Vince and Marks for the murder mystery subplot. Vince and Marks run into Stan (their prime suspect), but Vince was too drunk, and Marks was too embarrassed by his partner's ranting to recognize that Stan fit the police sketch. I wonder what will happen when Vince sobers up?

Yes! William and Victoria finally meet! The description of the two of them meeting being fate was clichéd, but it worked. I'm glad William had the courage to ask Victoria if he could see her again, and she agreed. I'm glad this subplot to your story is finally rolling.
3/10/2019 c6 Rapscallion
I don't think I've ever been this disappointed with Victoria. After all her dealings with Maxwell, she never suspected that he'd cheat her out her share of the bank heist?

Maxwell's playing mind games with Victoria, telling her she has to kill witnesses to inspire fear and build a criminal reputation. I think he's just trying to set Victoria up for the fall if they get caught for the bank heist.

I liked that Victoria got to insult Maxwell by telling him he's trying to be Morane but he's too much of a coward to succeed.

I liked the scene with William talking to the Tjatey child Safiya and her mother Rehema. William seems to be on the road to accepting his Tjatey heritage.

Sam finds Justin gambling in Morane's casino, and successfully drags him outside. Sam (who's an android) turned off his recorder so Morane wouldn't know Justin is the one stealing from the casino, but he's worried Morane will figure something is up.

Victoria returns to the bank and threatens to kill the female teller for not handing over all the money. A shot is fired. I really hope Victoria didn't kill that teller.
2/11/2019 c5 Guest
Victoria's bank robbery went off without a hitch; I'm glad it wasn't the robbery itself wasn't a cliché where the bank is full of customers!

As always, Lynne's scenes lift the story. Lynne still loves William, but he's moved on to his crush with Victoria. Is there even a slight chance Lynne and William can be a couple again?

I liked that William asked Lynne to reinstate Justin to the AMF instead of demanding it. I'm glad that William's strong character development has continued. Is this a sign of him accepting the prophecy of becoming the great leader of the Tjatey?

Victoria and Maxwell take their loot to the Card Shark, where Victoria distracts Enrique long enough for Maxwell to hide the money. But Enrique—who suspects Victoria committed a murder—now suspects she's up to something else.

Stan protects a boy by strangling a pedophile. Is Stan developing his own emotions? Is this concern for the defenseless a product of his friendship with William and Justin? Stan also inadvertently reveals his identity as an android to the boy? Stan tells the boy to go home, but will he reappear again?

Lynne has a surprise meeting with Dendera. I like that Dendera asked Lynne to reinstate Justin to the AMF like William did earlier. That shows how important Justin is to the plot. I also hope Lynne is starting to understand there are some Tjatey who can be trusted.

Sam reports to Morane. Morane reviews Sam's data and is angered by Sam inadvertently revealing himself as an android to the boy he saved. As Morane shouts, Sam fight's the urge to kill him. Again, are these Sam's own emotions?

Morane's next mission for Sam is to bring in the teen swindling his casinos. Sam immediately suspects its Justin. Is Justin's life in danger? Is this where Justin discovers his friend is actually an android?

Great chapter!
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