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for The Princess in Love

3/12/2018 c1 Guest
There is promise here.

You have the classic story – the forbidden love. The Princess and the stable boy who have fallen for each other. It’s a beloved tale that nearly always goes down well but still has the potential to be something fresh, unique and completely different if in the right hands. Only time will tell where you take this exactly but the possibilities are what you make them.

However, before all that, you have the first chapter. The one that needs to draw in the reader and keep them yearning for more. You need to make them want to quickly turn the page and devour the next part.

Unfortunately, I personally struggled in areas… Though I fully understood the premise of the plot, and what you were going for, at parts I felt like I was missing the point. I didn’t see what appeal Margot had for the stable boy. It might have helped if their section was more fleshed out, if there was more on the nature of their relationship or even if we found out his name.

Also, Margot herself. Other than the initial description at the beginning, I hardly felt like I knew her at all. Another than ‘she’s feisty’, there felt like no reason why she should have– or, more importantly, how she got away with – flying off the handle at the Aslow suitor so quickly. I mean, it’s not great for her but she’s still a princess, with a country that is likely to be hers one day… Anyway, it’s these trivial things I’m getting me stuck and not what should be pondering over.

Fortunately, but it a good start. It just needs a little more development in places. A few more steps in the right direction. Then I think you’ll have it. Following that, a great second chapter and onwards.

Hopefully, this all helps. If you need me to explain anything further, don’t hesitate to send a message my way.
Zukafu
2/12/2018 c1 6The Bard from the east
The first chapter, while feeling somewhat generic, looks promising. A few things I think could make it work better though would be if you showed rather than just told. It created a disconnect when she seemed to tacitly accept the suitor's bullshit without too much of a fuss. Even though she clearly dislikes her circumstances. and she is feisty.

Beyind that, it feels like you are in a rush to move things along. A fast pace is in itself not a bad thing, but in this case it weakens the story as a whole. So try instead contextualizing the relationship Margot and her stable boy lover. When did they meet? what does she like about him? Why?

And also try to play around with different voices. In my head, the stableboy sounded less like a stableboy and more like a lower nobleman; too refined, too polished, too...literate.

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