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4/11/2021 c1 HeyCharles
After reading a good story like this one, I can't help but suggest that you should join NovelStar’s writing competition, you might be their next big star.
7/11/2019 c1 grace
oh my goddddddd this is so bad im crying i'm so embarsed of this stuff
5/9/2018 c1 26Zukafu Chiriamoto
For such a small amount of words, you do pack quite a bit of action in. This is a good start - there's mystery, drama, a potential for some action too. I liked it.

I couldn't quite tell if this is a short piece or a first chapter. Reading it through, it sounds more like a first chapter to something larger but that last line sounds like it could be effective closer to a shorter piece as well. So I wasn't quite sure on that but it's not a big problem really. I do feel this could be a good story though. Maybe it's something worth considering? (If, of course, this isn't already on your mind.)

I do feel 'lost' reading this though. If it weren't for the synopsis, I literally wouldn't know anything about the world this story takes place in. I didn't feel this subject was covered, at least not nearly enough. The world is especially important if it's supposed to be a utopian city of peace after such violence - which then furthers the mystery and suspense of why this family is on the run in the first place, who might be chasing them. It also would gage the time in which this is supposed to be: Is it close to the modern day or are we years, decades, centuries into the future? This may affect quite a few things that could occur or could/could not be present.

But, as I said, a good start to something potentially quite exciting.
Hope this helps and happy writing,
Zukafu
4/23/2018 c1 5BurningPretzelsWithCheese
This is really good suspense! ooh I want to know what happens next if you do continue it?
4/23/2018 c1 Iris Lavender
Wow Gracie! This is really good! I love it!

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