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5/26/2018 c2 47addledwalrus
So Jupiter, Evan and Fire were friends once? I wonder how Fire turned out the way he did.
5/26/2018 c1 addledwalrus
Four communities like the districts from The Hunger Games, but a lot more brutal.

I'm hoping Evan doesn't become one of the 1/4, though I'm not exactly sensing his fear of such a fate.

I have mixed feelings about Jupiter. Is her blue hair common in this world and is she not as perfect as she seems?

Hopefully, I'll find out more in the next chapter
5/22/2018 c5 5AsaphechoH107
Love the chapter. Keep up the good work and then explain why Jupiter screamed. It is killing me.
5/21/2018 c1 4hamZie20xo
Hi! So basically, I liked it. It sounds kind of like hunger games/divergent, but much darker. I'd love if you could add to it. This Jupiter character sounds interesting. I want to know more about the legal ramifications of a society dependent on its citizens endangering themselves just to have access to basic necessities. The only problems I had with your story were the inconsistent tenses, and the telling instead of showing. Near the end of your story I noticed you toggle between past tense and present tense. It was a bit frustrating. When writing, especially fiction, it's important to know what tense you're going to use and stick with it, unless of course you're switching due to something like a dream sequence or flashback. The second issue, telling rather than showing, was much more prevalent throughout your piece. You rarely showed what was so special about Juniper; instead you opted for stuff like "She was beautiful," "She is just one of those amazingly spirited and beautiful people." Like, cool, good to know. But what makes her beautiful? Why is she so amazingly spirited, how am I meant to know that without examples, descriptions, maybe even further exposition into her character? Other than that, good job. Thanks for sharing. Please write more!
5/21/2018 c2 12Gizmo Burns
"You should get the hell outta here, I hissed!'" Good Stuff!
5/21/2018 c1 Gizmo Burns
Very Good, I have to continue reading. Thanks for reviewing my Venus Ferrari story.
5/15/2018 c1 14RaisingDad
Enjoyed the first chapter, and can't wait to see where you're going to take me next.
5/12/2018 c1 49Nerissa-McC
Interesting story so far! The dystopian setting intrigues me, as does the fact it apparently all began with a financial crisis; most dystopias in stories seem to be the result of wars or something similar, so this is a cool variation.
4/30/2018 c2 SwingWatchaGot
An interesting story! I'm loving it so far and finding myself unable to stop reading! I don't have any advice seeing as I'm still learning myself but keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more.
4/26/2018 c3 5AsaphechoH107
I certainly would like to see where you take this. You write well and keep readers interested. One thing I did notice. If there were crisises that created the world this takes place in then why is there a fully stocked store? Wouldn't it have been looted? Anyway great story and I definitely want to see where it goes.
4/20/2018 c2 10theinkstainedkiwi
This seems pretty good, it's a strong start.
If I had to criticise I would have to say it feels a bit... blocky (?). Like there are big chunks of descriptive paragraphs, then a block of dialogue. It just has a bit of a sense of an information dump about it- I mean it's not a big issue, not even in the slightest, it was just my impression.
But I am really liking this idea, can't wait for the plot to unfold itself!
4/20/2018 c1 3hannahisnotarealperson
I'm liking the dystopian world setting you've got here, with each community having a flip side, though I do hold issue with one phrase: "The community of Spring is no different, just different pros and cons.". Purely because of the use of different in quick succession makes it feel contradictory.
But I like how the focus is on the setting, it lets the reader feel like they're slowly being emerged in the world and yeah. This is a good, engaging start, can't wait to read more.
4/19/2018 c1 171Neil Davies
This is an engaging chapter that really draws you in with its mounting sense of menace. I'm assuming this is about a dystopian future world and we'll learn more about Evan and Jupiter.
You have a great gift for description and building atmosphere.
I hope you'll keep working at this novel.
4/18/2018 c2 5DiamondGaurdian1
That's really good I wish I could write like you but I know that I'll get better one day.
4/14/2018 c1 DiamondGaurdian1
That's really good, I like how you explain the pros and cons in living each community.
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