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6/1 c2 2The-Lost-Cat-Of-Forgotten-Gods
I like Perri the most so far (although his name does kind of remind me of a certain platypus, if you know what I mean (I haven't even seen much of that show...) and I doubt that's what you want, but I'll just have to learn to let go of that XD ). Characterwise I think he's interesting and certainly makes for an interesting story, however; you need to honour that idea in your plot. First you tell me Taylor and Daniel are his friends, but that he never really feels like he understands them, then they suddenly understand him completely - he didn't even tell them he had to kill Shanon to save his mother, so apparently, they're quite understanding all right (and they also act like that the rest of the chapter). Next, although Perri must have been thinking on what to do on this particular day for quite some time, he somehow missed certain rather obvious possibilities? You're only stuck between a rock and a hard place if there are no more options left, but if he could just convince this person that he wasn't able to fullfill his duty and get away with it, then that's what he would have done from the start. Perri is not stupid enough to miss something like that. It's also a bit odd that such a possibility exists in the first place, but all right. Next... from the previous chapter it was quite clear Shanon wants nothing to do with Perri, and now she's hugging him and such, not bothered by the fact he has wings and all this strange stuff that is happening? I didn't get the impression she was in on it all yet. Just "hoping for the best" doesn't really work in this case, since it's a matter of liferNo, I think you can plan it better.
Get him this close to killing her (giving him a decent plan of action), then make him pull back once he realises he really can't take the last step. Then let himself and his intention be revealed to at least his friends (you may or may not want to include Shanon in this... it may not really work, since this would be an odd way of revealing everything), let his friends get really angry (because they have no idea what motivated Perri to go that far) and drag him to Erikson, who will then read his mind and find out what's going on, deciding from there that it would be best if Shanon was taken to the Veil for safety. In the meanwhile, it's still unclear to Perri what he's going to do now he found out he's not capable of killing Shanon, and this builts up nice tension for the chapters to come. How about it? You obviously shouldn't do it precisely as I say - although I left it vague enough that I wouldn't consider it odd - and I doubt you fully agree with me. Also, don't tell me he can't do it because of his morals - its fine if that's the case, but then tell me those morals, and show me how that's keeping him from saving his mother.
Also try to cut back on the "..." In regular writing, this is only used if a sentence is interrupted , not to make a sentence sound like it's trailing off. Common misconception.
I like (in a strange way) that his wings are sensitive and that it's exhausting to fly with them since he's never in pixie form (I assume). You'll have to explain why eventually, or give him a reason why he normally would need his pixie form.
~Lost Cat
5/20 c1 The-Lost-Cat-Of-Forgotten-Gods
All right, let's get this started. Overall, I'd say that it's not bad, but it could definitly use some improvement.
What I most noticed is that you are talking a lot about the looks of the characters in this chapter, and you're setting up the relations between everyone, while you also included the highschool element strongly (highschool is an allergy of mine, I'm sorry in advance). It shows that you've clearly thought things through, characterwise, maybe not so much plotwise. A first chapter is about introducing you to the characters, the setting, and usually you also want something that hints at what's to come (your character was very tired, which suggested to me something was up, and her 18th birthday is coming up - and everyone knows that's often when stuff starts happening, so it's in there somewhat, but it could be there much stronger). I think you should cut back on the looks part a considerable lot (or talk of hair... I mean, I can talk for hours about how pissed off I am they cut Thor's hair, but his hair is not all that important to the story (just a little bit)), and focus more on describing the character's insides (not their organs, idk why, but I can't remember the better phrasing), on the relations between them, and certainly more on plot-development/ setting.
I'm no grammar/spelling person, but I also recommend reading through your story again, because I did notice a mistake here and there. I'm also slightly confused how you switch between past and present tense, but I'm no expert on the subject.
The interactions between the characters here and there are a bit odd. I get that perri is an asshole (I would chose that instead of dick, because asshole feels slightly less agressive and it feels wonderful to pronounce), but what I don't get is what started his behaviour - something you probably should include - why does he like her? What was the reason he started calling her Highness (so not why he does it - that much is obvious to me, but why did he start?), and why does he keep repeating it over and over again (once or twice, in the worst case 3 times is enough, I'd say)? She's annoyed with him, and he doesn't care - or is it that he doesn't seem to care? It's an important difference. Then the teacher; no teacher (in secondary school) would share with the whole class she's failing a subject in such a manner, he could get fired over that. He might remind her he expects her to try harder in his subject because her last results weren't good. Then there's the interaction with the friends - I can't exactly say much about that, because teenagers really do act strange with each other occasionally, but it felt a bit too happy (I mean, was he really laughing that much over such a thing?). You should also try to generally consider if the conversation made is important to your story, and if it isn't, you should either summarise it or leave it out alltogether.
Her parents' background story is not something you should have added in this chapter. Her mother died when she was 12 - fine, it's good to know. That she still misses her is logical, and adds depth to her character, and that she might be slightly angry with her dad (not that you said this, you only mentioned for moving on to someone else is a similarly good detail. No more needs to be said for now, if ever. If you insist on bringing up their backstory because it's funny and helps characterise her dad, sure - but why not let them talk about it together? (this is a showing vs. telling debate - but since I so very often talk about that, I'm going to spare us this time).
Ah, then the matter of your summary; it's your "read me, please read me" sign-out for readers, and needs a few elements; what's your story about? And most importantly; why should we read yours (why is it original/ exciting)? You definitly score points in the last question, because this world beyond the veil / if I survive it got my attention as well, and you score some (but not all) points on what it's about. There's no need to give away all your plottwists (please don't XD ), but you can give a general describtion so readers know what they're getting into (which doesn't work in your approach of the summary that well, I know). Why is your story rated M? Is it going to include sex-scenes, or vibrant imagery of gore and violence? From your first chapter, I wouldn't say so, and I'd just rate it T - the rating also comes with certain expectations.
So, I should finish off with something good. What intrigues me most about this story is this world beyond the Veil (in the summary) and I'm kind of interested in what kind of creatures you've come up with (I read parts of the character descriptions on your profile, and I think Perri would become my favourite) and how this is all going to fit together, and where it's going. Although it might be slightly too dramatic for my taste as it is written now, I do like the general idea of how they interact with each other. It's cheerful, happy, and playful, and not as depressive as many other stories I read (then again, I really am allergic to secondary school, but I more or less feel like we're going to leave that behind... yes?).
~Lost Cat

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