Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Love poem attempt 1

9/5/2019 c1 49Woedin
Surely this wasn't your first time writing of love, if it was then you've some skill, or your mind was definitely upon someone you very much have feelings for, when hands hovered keys. At least it comes across that way from the reading of it. Do share this with that friend, and also consider continuing to write more love poems only now for yourself, and that she that moves your heart so. Good fortunes:
8/20/2019 c1 6She Who Loves Pineapples II
Tone: I think the narrator's tone is sincere but a bit insecure. It gives me the feeling that this is someone who is smitten but not comfortable expressing their feelings, but they want to try. It made me think back to early days when I first met my now-husband and how I had to force myself to express my thoughts.

Imagery: You use images of "big things" (meteors, shooting stars, moon) which give the impression that you consider love to be a sort of higher power, or some kind of cosmic force. I really liked the lines "Let the meteors fall/I'll be your sky, I'll take them on." They gave the impression of someone who is really quite helpless to fix her love's problems, but they will try and they feel more powerful than they are."

Enjoyment: I thought it was cute. It gave me mushy feelings.

Grammar: A very minor thing, but I think it would look a little nicer if the commas at the ends of lines were omitted; the line break serves the same purpose as the comma, so it's a bit redundant. That being said, it may just be a personal preference. also "I'll be your sky, I'll take them on" should technically have a semicolon instead of a comma, in case you weren't aware.

Nice job!
7/28/2019 c1 136Elliptical Shapes
Thanks for your review.

No, i wouldn't give this to a friend, but this is a subjective admission. I find it far too squishy and moist; also you began a verse with the word "sorry"... i can't see that making any girl wet.

I believe if you wrote a love poem for a person you like yourself, you would produce something a lot less robotic and a lot more sincere and beautiful. Word of advice from an ageing fella, stay out of other people's love lives!

Keep writing friend.
Alan.
7/16/2019 c1 4Phoenix O'Hara
! okay this is actually adorable i do feel as if its a little cliche at certain points but the line "my goddess, you give me breath" knocked the wind right out me its so touchingly beautiful
10/23/2018 c1 265Synthey
Beautiful poem! I especially like the line 'let the meteors fall' because it was so unexpected yet felt so right!
7/12/2018 c1 26Zukafu Chiriamoto
I was very much enjoying this.

There is something about love poems that can really capture something from within a person; that silver of emotion, often coupled with beautiful imagery. Feelings and fantasies come across in such a way you hardly see in any other context. Done well, you don’t even need to have experienced love for yourself to understand or sympathise. I think that’s why I am a sucker for this kind of stuff. And this piece of yours didn’t fail to deliver, despite your own personal notion parts ‘crashed and burned’.

More so free verse. A good choice here. It feels more genuine and spontaneous – much like a verbal confession would be like (unless, of course, you’re in a cheesy rom-com then it goes flawlessly regardless of flounciness.) The cosmic comparisons are nice, cute even. I happen to be picturing a shyer sort of author using those particular, for some reason. This seemed to be reinforced by the more apologetic overtone to the last stanza.

But for something you’re not used to attempting, I think you took a good shot at it. Coming out with something like this, hopefully, should bring you some pride at least.
~ Zukafu
P.s. I see no harm in sending it on if you haven’t already. Take a chance! Go for it!
7/8/2018 c1 5MilesK
Good poem. Writing about simply loving a girl or guy can often be cliche. While the second half includes great and unique detail and metaphor, the first half falls victim to predictability. Everyone wants to see the eyes and smile of someone they love. How are these unique? Why should I care? If you include some small details about the eyes, or the smile, including them will paint a much more detailed picture. Maybe this special someone has a freckle on her eye, or maybe she doesn't smile with any teeth, just some nuanced detail that shows us this person you are talking about is real.
Great poem, just try and make this a unique twist on love poems, rather than just more of the same.

Miles
7/2/2018 c1 25sprinkled clean
This is so cute! I was grinning the whole time I was reading this. It is verrry cheesy, I should tell you honestly, but the last verse makes up for it, like you’re being apologetically cheesy.

As for the groove you mentioned... I think the first two verses had their similarities, while the last two were also similar. Since you’re aware of it, if you have a theme you want to write about, it might help to have specific structure you want to try out next time, knowing what each verse would add to the poem. But if the structure is preventing you from actually writing, then just write freely and edit later. That being said, I prefer the last two verses a bit more, because the metaphors engage my mind, whereas the first two verses engage my sappy emotions haha.

Also, what are cosmic flaws supposed to represent? It rolls off the tongue nicely, but I have a hard time wondering what putting these two words together would do.
6/24/2018 c1 21RainbowPearls
Sure, do send it. The lines were so in-depth and profound. The flow, rhyming, mentioning of his endurance of her cosmic flaws was all pretty and sweet.
6/22/2018 c1 90Timbo Slice
Hey there! I really liked the cosmological metaphors in this piece, it gives the aspect of love more of a grandiose feeling, as if it’s saying not even the heavens itself could compare to the love you feel for this person. I wouldn’t say it crashed and burned at all, if anything maybe the last stanza could use more refinement but to me it sounds as if the love is unrequited from the other person, giving the poem a bittersweet ending.
6/18/2018 c1 20Kitsune95
I definitely don't think this "crashed and burned" as your A/N says. That last stanza is beautiful.
The poem has a few bumps - that third stanza seems a bit...off? Less polished?
I love the theme you've kept throughout though and it ends on what I think is a meaningful image.
6/17/2018 c1 3Xarken
I would say the second and third stanza's are the best, the first and last are a little rough. However, don't beat yourself up too much. It is extremely hard to write a good love poem about someone you yourself do not love, with this case being you are writing this poem for a friend. It will always lack a certain amount of soul, because it is incredibly hard to put someone else's feelings onto your own canvas.

The first stanza, I really like the last two lines. They go together very well. For the first two lines though, I would definitely say something more along the lines of "Can the days be eternal?" just sounds better than "be long". Something like that anyways. I like the "Your Smiles, Your Eyes." I can understand that feel all too well.

The last stanza I would replace "idiot" with "love-struck fool". I would also add "that it be you", just makes the meaning more clear.

Overall, though, the imagery is good. That's always something very good, and fun, to focus on when writing about love. You can do a lot with it. Like I said previously, as well, the second and third stanzas are good. Also keep in mind, all my feedback is just what I think. Don't take anything as gospel. At the end of the day what you like is what matters :D
6/16/2018 c1 6mrsimera
Cute and sweet.I am sure the person in your poem will like the poem you made because it came from the heart
6/16/2018 c1 43zanybellecloudo
As a cosmo lover, where the stars are my cinema and the moon my popcorn, I support it. It actually reminds me of a poem I wrote 'Until love has a face' of wistful longing where love is afar in the realms of distant space, and the lover trapped on a planet inescapable. At least, that's what it felt like because of the forms the love was externalised in: Stars. Moons.
The lunar reflection was enchanting, the moon's light would certainly be a wonderous love. Be it only artificial. Thanks for sharing your attempts! ZB.
6/16/2018 c1 7Nemone
I don't think sending it is a bad idea. It's got good imagery. The only thing I can think of is that mentioning to somebody their "cosmic flaws" sounds like you are saying they are really messed up but you love them anyways. I think cosmic matches with the theme of the rest of the poem though and I can't think of how to change it into a term with the same theme but less massive proportions. Or maybe this person you like really has cosmic sized flaws and they know it. Of course I also feel that with cosmic here you it's possible you are just alluding to them as a part of the universe like they are your whole world so their flaws can only be on that level.

Sorry I rambled. I like to dissect poetry like this sometimes. Even my own. It's a terrible habit to agonize over every word.

Also crashing at the end is pretty normal. It's easy to begin, hard to finish. You can always give yourself a few weeks or so and then come back and look at it later with a fresh point of view. Maybe you felt the end crashed and burned because you became apologetic? I think your affections shouldn't be something to be sorry for. You started confident so you should stay firm to the end without compromising.

Well just my thoughts. I wanted to be helpful but feel free to message me if I was totally wrong or if you want to share opinions.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service