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for Juryokine: Exile of Heroes

8/25/2019 c1 Y.F
You have a lot of muttering in your story. I think you should try only using SAID. I liked the similes. I did not like how many times you repeated the word: Smite. And you also bring up far too many names, which might overwhelm the reader. You also tend to be very dialogue heavy, which is fine right now, since their conversation made sense. You also use the same word twice in some sentences, which make them sound weird. And why would anyone raise an alarm after finding a body thrown out a window? This isn't a state level deal. If anything some people passing by might see it and shriek, calling for an officer to inspect the body. Are you telling me nobody saw a man flying out of a building? Given he is in an apartment, that would mean he is in a place with a high population density and nobody saw Casto flying out the window? Not to mention you don't have a high chance of dying when you fall out of the second floor.

It is interesting to read and I saw many questions pop up in my head (Not bad ones), but I don't feel the need to read any further. The fact that you started with a disposable character and a villain I can't empathize with does not make me want to read any further. The action was nice, but I couldn't find anything human in these characters, because they feel bland. They are doing too little and saying too much. It would be better if you let the intruder slap a map on the table and described it in detail, thereby giving us the setting. Explain the world a little more, but not all at once. You should have explained what smiting is, for example, but kept the truth behind the intruder a secret. I also don't feel any suspense building up when he tells his grapplers to go hunt for two subjects, because I haven't been introduced to ANYONE else in the story, which means that I can't even feel afraid for the heroes the intruder hunts. You have to make me like the characters first, then make them clash. People I don't know appearing out of nowhere don't make me particularly excited. Nobody wants to hear about the guy who came back from work to be killed like some useless nobody. We want to see the villains side of things. You should have written it from the villains perspective, so that I can see what our hero is up against, instead of wasting time on Casto and telling me about how hard his day at work was and how he wanted to impress girls. You didn't even give me time to care for Casto. And you told me waaaaay to late that it was night. Why does Casto come back from smiting at night?

But I believe in you and think you can accomplish great things if you keep at it. I really really liked your similes, except for the auto carriage one, because it made the story more alive. Do that more. Tell me what the characters are thinking about the situation they are in. I don't want to be thrown into a world with nothing to grab onto. Describe some more stuff, improve your writing a little more and try avoiding too much dialogue. Describe the tone of voice of the characters, how their faces are moving, their gestures, so that I feel like it's more believable.

For example, towards the end:

"You..." the intruder said with a tone as thick and muddy as the dirt roads after a storm. His eyes beamed in vehement rage, intimidating the inferior grappler that stood before him. He raised his index finger toward the man and watched as his inferior began to rattle and shiver. This man was the one who brought the intruder to Casto. He was lean and not very tall, shaking like a mouse trapped in a cage, frightened to move a muscle.

"Y-Yes, sir?" the grappler said with a cracking and whiny voice. The fear the intruder witnessed in his inferior made him glad. The intruder let his face curl up in a smirk, for he enjoyed the grapplers broken spirit. His inferior was twice the age of the intruder, but one could almost smell the fear culminating from seeing the mighty gauntlet that glowed in an emerald green. The grappler had sweat drip from near every pore on his face, as he tried leaning away from the one who held the powerful gauntlet.

Your version:

"You," he said, pointing at the one who had provided the lead.
The grappler froze. "Y-Yes, sir?"
The intruder was barely half the grappler's age, yet there (w)as unmistakable fear in his eyes(,) when he saw that glowing green gauntlet pointed at him. That made the intruder smirk.

You can pull a lot of tension out of an interaction as small as this. But don't give up! :)
8/3/2019 c1 14Fall Storm
Love the name Casto. I like this so far, it seems like my kind of thing. But got a question, is this book a sequel to another book? Cause is seems that way.

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