for Renounces Aeon Erratum1/13 c7 JaveHarron
I enjoy this deep time post historic novel, and getting some Book of the New Sun vibes. Definitely enjoyed this brief but exciting short story. A cool setting, and having skimmed over your other stuff, I see a recurring entity here (without spoiling much). Personally, a bit more description would add to the physicality of the scenes and vibrant language. Not excessive purple prose, but enough to add a bit of vibrant language here and there.
I enjoy this deep time post historic novel, and getting some Book of the New Sun vibes. Definitely enjoyed this brief but exciting short story. A cool setting, and having skimmed over your other stuff, I see a recurring entity here (without spoiling much). Personally, a bit more description would add to the physicality of the scenes and vibrant language. Not excessive purple prose, but enough to add a bit of vibrant language here and there.
1/13 c1 JaveHarron
You've certainly ended the chapter with a cool line. A few thoughts so far: I like the scavenger angle, although a bit more about the physical appearance of each place would be helpful. Some creative flourishes and metaphors would also help make the scenes a bit more vivid. Overall, though, interested to read this.
You've certainly ended the chapter with a cool line. A few thoughts so far: I like the scavenger angle, although a bit more about the physical appearance of each place would be helpful. Some creative flourishes and metaphors would also help make the scenes a bit more vivid. Overall, though, interested to read this.
8/18/2019 c7 Will9035
Yup. I knew Layak would take her new godlike powers and fit into a larger picture with this. (Of course, I can't pat myself on the back. Such 'predictions' are only natural when you're basically told, to a vague extent, what will happen months ahead of time.)
South and Wist are definitely familiar names to me, though I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I don't recall exactly where and when I've read about them off the top of my head. But, at this juncture, I don't think that's important. Whatever you plan on doing with Layak from here on out, I'm sure we'll get a little reminder about everything they'd done prior to this point. From what I recall, neither of them are bad people. (Or beings. Or whatever you want to call them.) So it'll be interesting to see how their personalities interact with Layak's, seeing as how she clearly has some more prominent anti-heroic attributes. Heck, for all I know, she could be the big baddie in the next story you've got lined up with her.
Over all, this was a quick and enjoyable read. You knew from the start that this story would only be a small piece of a much larger whole, and you didn't inflate it to make it any more epic than it had to be. (Not an easy feat when your protagonist's goal is to kill someone who is essentially a god.) For the brief time we got to see our characters, I feel like we got a pretty good grip on their personalities. (Though, I will admit Dina seemed a bit more of a third wheel for most of the time.) The fast pace ensured that this story was never boring or dragged on for too long. It flowed at a quick, sensible pace.
Now I guess the main thing that I'm wondering is how this will fit into whatever bigger idea you have. Whatever you have planned next for Layak, I have the feeling she'll play a prominent role. And I feel like you could've explained her placement with some quick exposition: "There was a god called Aermoth. Whoever killed him took his place. I have his powers now. You do the math." Only telling that story might have even generated some more mystery about how Layak came to power. So I can only assume that the events here will play some key role moving forward besides explaining how Layak came to be alongside South and Wist.
Yup. I knew Layak would take her new godlike powers and fit into a larger picture with this. (Of course, I can't pat myself on the back. Such 'predictions' are only natural when you're basically told, to a vague extent, what will happen months ahead of time.)
South and Wist are definitely familiar names to me, though I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I don't recall exactly where and when I've read about them off the top of my head. But, at this juncture, I don't think that's important. Whatever you plan on doing with Layak from here on out, I'm sure we'll get a little reminder about everything they'd done prior to this point. From what I recall, neither of them are bad people. (Or beings. Or whatever you want to call them.) So it'll be interesting to see how their personalities interact with Layak's, seeing as how she clearly has some more prominent anti-heroic attributes. Heck, for all I know, she could be the big baddie in the next story you've got lined up with her.
Over all, this was a quick and enjoyable read. You knew from the start that this story would only be a small piece of a much larger whole, and you didn't inflate it to make it any more epic than it had to be. (Not an easy feat when your protagonist's goal is to kill someone who is essentially a god.) For the brief time we got to see our characters, I feel like we got a pretty good grip on their personalities. (Though, I will admit Dina seemed a bit more of a third wheel for most of the time.) The fast pace ensured that this story was never boring or dragged on for too long. It flowed at a quick, sensible pace.
Now I guess the main thing that I'm wondering is how this will fit into whatever bigger idea you have. Whatever you have planned next for Layak, I have the feeling she'll play a prominent role. And I feel like you could've explained her placement with some quick exposition: "There was a god called Aermoth. Whoever killed him took his place. I have his powers now. You do the math." Only telling that story might have even generated some more mystery about how Layak came to power. So I can only assume that the events here will play some key role moving forward besides explaining how Layak came to be alongside South and Wist.
8/15/2019 c6 Will9035
Now I see. So Aermoth was indeed just a human, but he attained the powers of a god and apparently did a pretty good job at holding onto them for a long while. That makes a lot more sense with everything that we've learned about him so far. Also, gotta love how Aermoth only gets one line of dialogue, and every bit of it is insulting or condescending. Clearly a guy who took those powers and used them the wrong way. I guess that's why Layak felt the need to come all this way and stick him with that dagger.
Oh, and speaking of Layak...
Dang. I'm totally with Dima on calling her a monster. I did not see that coming in the slightest. Go figure that the rare duo who's the centerpoint of your story who DON'T have any open hostility or tension is the one time when one of the two people end up killing each other. I guess at this point I can understand why Layak feels that she did the right thing (assuming she does indeed intend to take that power away from people who would be much more dangerous with it), but I'm still not sure whether or not that was actually the right thing to do. Quite the interesting situation you have going here.
On a side note, that was a really gutsy move on Layak's part to stick Menno right then and there. There was still one other person in the room, and she *clearly* wasn't happy with that course of action. I was wondering if Dima could cut through all that shock and use that dagger herself on Layak. Though, I suppose Layak's very quick exit would have made that pretty difficult anyway.
Still, quite the turn of events you had here. I can see now how Layak could become part of a larger story on a much larger scale.
Now I see. So Aermoth was indeed just a human, but he attained the powers of a god and apparently did a pretty good job at holding onto them for a long while. That makes a lot more sense with everything that we've learned about him so far. Also, gotta love how Aermoth only gets one line of dialogue, and every bit of it is insulting or condescending. Clearly a guy who took those powers and used them the wrong way. I guess that's why Layak felt the need to come all this way and stick him with that dagger.
Oh, and speaking of Layak...
Dang. I'm totally with Dima on calling her a monster. I did not see that coming in the slightest. Go figure that the rare duo who's the centerpoint of your story who DON'T have any open hostility or tension is the one time when one of the two people end up killing each other. I guess at this point I can understand why Layak feels that she did the right thing (assuming she does indeed intend to take that power away from people who would be much more dangerous with it), but I'm still not sure whether or not that was actually the right thing to do. Quite the interesting situation you have going here.
On a side note, that was a really gutsy move on Layak's part to stick Menno right then and there. There was still one other person in the room, and she *clearly* wasn't happy with that course of action. I was wondering if Dima could cut through all that shock and use that dagger herself on Layak. Though, I suppose Layak's very quick exit would have made that pretty difficult anyway.
Still, quite the turn of events you had here. I can see now how Layak could become part of a larger story on a much larger scale.
8/12/2019 c5 Will9035
Ah, so that's the how the dagger would eventually come into play: able to fend off beings that were, for all intents and purposes, ghosts. I'm not sure how intentional this was, but the amount of time you waited between Layak finding the dagger and then using it was perfect. It was obviously short enough for me to remember where she got it and that you made a big deal out of it, but enough had transpired and enough information had been revealed that I'd 'forgotten' about the dagger until the time came for Layak to whip it out. Well played, good sir. A textbook case of how to pull off Chekhov's Gun. Also, thank you for having Layak question why the Soulless were so eager to flee from her as soon as she started swiping them with the dagger. I would have thought for sure I'd been missing something if you didn't also have her wondering why they retreated rather than ganging up on her.
Also, I must also give you some praise for that little revelation about the Sisters of Kade. You've made it pretty obvious that Aermoth is bad news (as far as Layak is concerned), so that immediately had me thinking that the Sisters in that Order were bad news as well. Whatever kind of being Aermoth is, the most logical train of thought was that they knew he was a bad...guy? God? And they sided with him anyway, either because they were expecting power or protection. At the very least, I thought for sure they were misguided followers who were in store for a rude awakening about the true nature of their deity. The little bit about the Sisters actually being fully aware of Aermoth's true nature, and then setting that up as a smokescreen, was pretty clever. Of course, this only raises several more questions: how did the Sisters know Aermoth was evil? Does he know, they know? And what role will they have going forward?
Either way, based on the end of this chapter, I'm expecting some major stuff is about to go down. It sounds like our heroes are about to cross a point of no return.
Ah, so that's the how the dagger would eventually come into play: able to fend off beings that were, for all intents and purposes, ghosts. I'm not sure how intentional this was, but the amount of time you waited between Layak finding the dagger and then using it was perfect. It was obviously short enough for me to remember where she got it and that you made a big deal out of it, but enough had transpired and enough information had been revealed that I'd 'forgotten' about the dagger until the time came for Layak to whip it out. Well played, good sir. A textbook case of how to pull off Chekhov's Gun. Also, thank you for having Layak question why the Soulless were so eager to flee from her as soon as she started swiping them with the dagger. I would have thought for sure I'd been missing something if you didn't also have her wondering why they retreated rather than ganging up on her.
Also, I must also give you some praise for that little revelation about the Sisters of Kade. You've made it pretty obvious that Aermoth is bad news (as far as Layak is concerned), so that immediately had me thinking that the Sisters in that Order were bad news as well. Whatever kind of being Aermoth is, the most logical train of thought was that they knew he was a bad...guy? God? And they sided with him anyway, either because they were expecting power or protection. At the very least, I thought for sure they were misguided followers who were in store for a rude awakening about the true nature of their deity. The little bit about the Sisters actually being fully aware of Aermoth's true nature, and then setting that up as a smokescreen, was pretty clever. Of course, this only raises several more questions: how did the Sisters know Aermoth was evil? Does he know, they know? And what role will they have going forward?
Either way, based on the end of this chapter, I'm expecting some major stuff is about to go down. It sounds like our heroes are about to cross a point of no return.
8/11/2019 c4 Will9035
I must say right off the bat how impressed I was with the way you handled the atmosphere of the cavern. I personally think a physical environment is a difficult thing to capture, and you had an added challenge with describing how intense and overwhelming the darkness was. But you pulled it off very well and very vividly. And I totally empathize with Layak. If I had something that could enable me to watch the whole world, down to individual animals just going about their business, I could spend untold amounts of time just watching it. Alas, there is no time for such fun when you're approaching riches belonging to a maybe-dead, maybe-living maybe-deity, maybe-not deity. (Yeah, at this point I have no idea what I'm supposed to know or think about Aermoth. But you've built him up quite a bit during these few short chapters. So whatever you have in store for him, I'm sure it'll be cool.)
I must say right off the bat how impressed I was with the way you handled the atmosphere of the cavern. I personally think a physical environment is a difficult thing to capture, and you had an added challenge with describing how intense and overwhelming the darkness was. But you pulled it off very well and very vividly. And I totally empathize with Layak. If I had something that could enable me to watch the whole world, down to individual animals just going about their business, I could spend untold amounts of time just watching it. Alas, there is no time for such fun when you're approaching riches belonging to a maybe-dead, maybe-living maybe-deity, maybe-not deity. (Yeah, at this point I have no idea what I'm supposed to know or think about Aermoth. But you've built him up quite a bit during these few short chapters. So whatever you have in store for him, I'm sure it'll be cool.)
8/9/2019 c3 Will9035
Ah, so now our three heroes are about to explore a very complex cave system while Layak is keeping her true purpose a secret. And that secret involves confronting a being who is probably a deity. At the very least, Aermoth must have something scary or powerful about him; you've certainly built up to him enough. Also, with three people in this party, and all of them *seemingly* on good terms with each other right now, I can't help but feel that there will be some backstabbing or dark secrets along the way.
I also really liked that little mapper gizmo you introduced. Very flashy and, presumably, very effective. I can see why a device like that would be very helpful for the task that our heroes are about to undertake.
Ah, so now our three heroes are about to explore a very complex cave system while Layak is keeping her true purpose a secret. And that secret involves confronting a being who is probably a deity. At the very least, Aermoth must have something scary or powerful about him; you've certainly built up to him enough. Also, with three people in this party, and all of them *seemingly* on good terms with each other right now, I can't help but feel that there will be some backstabbing or dark secrets along the way.
I also really liked that little mapper gizmo you introduced. Very flashy and, presumably, very effective. I can see why a device like that would be very helpful for the task that our heroes are about to undertake.
8/8/2019 c2 Will9035
I suspect I may have grossly misunderstood something in the first chapter. The impression I got from the end of the first chapter was that Aermoth was some kind of superior being who Layak was on her way to confront for some reason. But this chapter says that Aermoth was a historical figure, and it sounds like he's not only dead, but has *been* dead for a very, very long time. So perhaps I really misunderstood Layak's objective here. Or maybe you're trying to raise more questions than answers at this juncture, in which case I would say you are succeeding quite well.
I suspect I may have grossly misunderstood something in the first chapter. The impression I got from the end of the first chapter was that Aermoth was some kind of superior being who Layak was on her way to confront for some reason. But this chapter says that Aermoth was a historical figure, and it sounds like he's not only dead, but has *been* dead for a very, very long time. So perhaps I really misunderstood Layak's objective here. Or maybe you're trying to raise more questions than answers at this juncture, in which case I would say you are succeeding quite well.
8/6/2019 c1 Will9035
A character on a quest to kill a deity? Apparently my "God of War" jokes have rubbed off on you!
If I had to describe this set-up so far in one word, I would choose 'enigmatic.' I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about any of these characters, and that's a good thing. Layak is clearly our protagonist (a supernatural Indiana Jones-esque time going undercover in a convent) and the way she stole that dagger clearly indicates some shades of gray in her...regardless of whatever reason she may have had for swiping it. Menmo seems trustworthy enough, and for bonus points it looks like you've got a partnership dynamic between them in which one of the characters *doesn't* want to rip the other's face off. Yet.
But the biggest point of interest is definitely Aermoth. Why is Layak so bent on killing him? (Obviously no small task since, you know, he's a deity. Or so we think.) Is he an evil being? If so, then do the priestesses know about his nature? They could make for some interesting antagonists, and I don't think you would've given Gabrious such an ominous introduction if you didn't have some big plans for her later on.
A character on a quest to kill a deity? Apparently my "God of War" jokes have rubbed off on you!
If I had to describe this set-up so far in one word, I would choose 'enigmatic.' I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about any of these characters, and that's a good thing. Layak is clearly our protagonist (a supernatural Indiana Jones-esque time going undercover in a convent) and the way she stole that dagger clearly indicates some shades of gray in her...regardless of whatever reason she may have had for swiping it. Menmo seems trustworthy enough, and for bonus points it looks like you've got a partnership dynamic between them in which one of the characters *doesn't* want to rip the other's face off. Yet.
But the biggest point of interest is definitely Aermoth. Why is Layak so bent on killing him? (Obviously no small task since, you know, he's a deity. Or so we think.) Is he an evil being? If so, then do the priestesses know about his nature? They could make for some interesting antagonists, and I don't think you would've given Gabrious such an ominous introduction if you didn't have some big plans for her later on.