for Titan and Enceladus5/21 c4 
2J.Cousy
[said a dark-skinned, short dark-haired man in a skin-tight, orange spacesuit, answered.] remove answered.
[Eloise got out another article of her clothing.] what kind of article of clothing? Is it a hat, socks, underwear?
["Candy Grove".] use ' ' instead of " " because it's already inside a quote.
["Much better, actually!" Yaron said in elation.] this meditation scene would benefit if we actually saw how Yaron felt better. Maybe if you described tension leaving their body as they meditated.
["Thanks, Alair." Yaron said.] Sorry, I don't remember, is Aaron's name also Alair?
[whole idea off the web."] I find it hard to believe we're working with aliens on Titan and we use "the web." Maybe Aaron learned it in his travels, or saw someone else doing it. Anything besides "the web" which will certainly be obsolete.
[Yaron then saw something behind a curtain.] remove then
[Xena explained once more.] except Xena isn't explaining "once more." This is the first time it's been explained.
[Aaron looked threw a window.] through, not threw
[Xena explained further.] Xena is not explaining further. You continue to use explained too much.
[Mom'll] does not need to capitalized.
How old are these people?
[Eloise told him, back.] remove back
[since you're scientist's leaving and you'll be on your own] I'm not sure what you're trying to say. I think you meant "your scientist is leaving"
[ Xena said in realization.] Xena is not realizing something here, you can just say said.
[(Only they didn't mind what they were.)] what purpose does this serve?
What's a washer? Like a washing machine?
[Everyone swa after him.] typo
["Apologize!" he said.
"Sorry, mister!" said the ladybug.
"Good apologizing!" said the mother.] what is this exchange? He demanded that the kid apologize and the mom was fine that some random dude yelled at her kid?
Please stop using explained/explained further when people are talking. Back to back it is very jarring and takes people out of what they're reading. Use action to identify the speaker if you're having trouble with dialogue tags.
I won't list all of them, but you have periods instead of commas at the end of dialogue when going into a dialogue tag. Every single time.
2J.Cousy[said a dark-skinned, short dark-haired man in a skin-tight, orange spacesuit, answered.] remove answered.
[Eloise got out another article of her clothing.] what kind of article of clothing? Is it a hat, socks, underwear?
["Candy Grove".] use ' ' instead of " " because it's already inside a quote.
["Much better, actually!" Yaron said in elation.] this meditation scene would benefit if we actually saw how Yaron felt better. Maybe if you described tension leaving their body as they meditated.
["Thanks, Alair." Yaron said.] Sorry, I don't remember, is Aaron's name also Alair?
[whole idea off the web."] I find it hard to believe we're working with aliens on Titan and we use "the web." Maybe Aaron learned it in his travels, or saw someone else doing it. Anything besides "the web" which will certainly be obsolete.
[Yaron then saw something behind a curtain.] remove then
[Xena explained once more.] except Xena isn't explaining "once more." This is the first time it's been explained.
[Aaron looked threw a window.] through, not threw
[Xena explained further.] Xena is not explaining further. You continue to use explained too much.
[Mom'll] does not need to capitalized.
How old are these people?
[Eloise told him, back.] remove back
[since you're scientist's leaving and you'll be on your own] I'm not sure what you're trying to say. I think you meant "your scientist is leaving"
[ Xena said in realization.] Xena is not realizing something here, you can just say said.
[(Only they didn't mind what they were.)] what purpose does this serve?
What's a washer? Like a washing machine?
[Everyone swa after him.] typo
["Apologize!" he said.
"Sorry, mister!" said the ladybug.
"Good apologizing!" said the mother.] what is this exchange? He demanded that the kid apologize and the mom was fine that some random dude yelled at her kid?
Please stop using explained/explained further when people are talking. Back to back it is very jarring and takes people out of what they're reading. Use action to identify the speaker if you're having trouble with dialogue tags.
I won't list all of them, but you have periods instead of commas at the end of dialogue when going into a dialogue tag. Every single time.
5/21 c3 J.Cousy
There is absolutely zero meat to this. No description. It's basically a script with the leanest bit of narration. You need to go back and actually build the world up and create a setting. There is barely any setting here. Again, you continue to just list character descriptors. Very, very boring. The reader is given no chance to get absorbed into the story. It's like we're constantly reminded that we're reading something.
Also, please fix the dialogue tags. You try too hard to use something other than "said" the point it is ridiculous. Attach action to your dialogue to use less tags.
[It was from a man in blue tights and a blue shirt with a blue headband.] what was from him? The voice? That should be near the dialogue, not a paragraph after.
[He had on black stripes.] where?
[ blue headbands and tights and shirts and boots.] don't use and this way to list things. Use commas.
[All except one with a red hat and shirt and tights. and boots. And purple skin and dark purple hair. Her's was more like a lion's mane. She also had black-striped skin.] this is a disaster.
[our sites] sights not sites.
[a a purple-skined mate out cried.] typo
[for a ling time] typo
[I have a plan that will cause the citizens to be too afraid of us to let us pass.] What? Don't they want to pass? Does she mean to say they will be so afraid that they will let them pass?
[Kiera minded.] minded makes no sense. You don't need to use dialogue tags for every bit of dialogue when there's only two people talking. If you're going to, "said" works fine here.
[treasurers off of others.] treasures
[ Let's just try 2 figure out the tracker.] to, not 2
[Yaron bid.] weird tag
[Xena asked as she tucked in.] tucked in what?
[Xena went on.] weird tag. Went on from what?
[up in space."] remove "
[The sky shown two suns, an orange larger one and a small yellow one.] What are you trying to say? "In the sky shone two suns - a large orange one and a small yellow one"?
[so we needn't need helmets."] remove need
[Aaron pointed.] pointed where? Give me a visual. For all I know he's pointing at someone's butthole.
[They put the ship in black bushes.] What kind of bushes? Describe them so I can picture them. Remember, your reader has never seen any of this. It's a whole new world. It's up to you as a writer to paint the picture.
[ real site was] do you mean site, as in a religious site? Or do you mean sight, as in the real visual?
[using the ship's bottom.] What? The snail butt is also a giant sensor? You need to better explain the ship and how it works, because this makes no sense to me.
[We checked you for it the first time came on board ] I think you're missing a word
[The crew kept walking and saw another person in the light.] Describe what they are seeing. All I picture with this is a regular person.
[Then the crew noticed a group of mixed-up people walk by. Only they were dancing, cartwheeling, and using bizarre instruments. They were headed towards the castle.] Again, elaborate. How are the instruments bizarre? What do you mean by "mixed-up people"?
[Aaron asked Xena."] remove "
[Yaron walked over to an instrument player who had dropped an instrument. He looked around, but couldn't find it.] Who couldn't find what?
[They sounded the loots and a man with a tied-back purple hair in a red outfit and golden shoes and familiar voice walked in a bowed.] This sentence is a mess.
[dips it's head] its, not it's. it's is short for it is. its is possessive.
[her underbelly.] missing quotation marks
[Tousin yelled again.] use something other than yelled around this spot. You used it way too many times in a row.
[is my wife. "I'd gladly] remove the " as it's already in the middle of a quote.
[than."] then
[Kiera went underwater then came back up being careful to keep the torch above her.] need a comma in this sentence. Probably after up.
[Then they heard a wailing sound.] What kind of wailing sound? Try something like: A piercing wail startled them, echoing throughout the cave.
[her plan."] remove "
[ because e can't] typo
I won't list every time you used a comma instead of a period in dialogue. You use a period instead of a comma every time. Fix that.
There is absolutely zero meat to this. No description. It's basically a script with the leanest bit of narration. You need to go back and actually build the world up and create a setting. There is barely any setting here. Again, you continue to just list character descriptors. Very, very boring. The reader is given no chance to get absorbed into the story. It's like we're constantly reminded that we're reading something.
Also, please fix the dialogue tags. You try too hard to use something other than "said" the point it is ridiculous. Attach action to your dialogue to use less tags.
[It was from a man in blue tights and a blue shirt with a blue headband.] what was from him? The voice? That should be near the dialogue, not a paragraph after.
[He had on black stripes.] where?
[ blue headbands and tights and shirts and boots.] don't use and this way to list things. Use commas.
[All except one with a red hat and shirt and tights. and boots. And purple skin and dark purple hair. Her's was more like a lion's mane. She also had black-striped skin.] this is a disaster.
[our sites] sights not sites.
[a a purple-skined mate out cried.] typo
[for a ling time] typo
[I have a plan that will cause the citizens to be too afraid of us to let us pass.] What? Don't they want to pass? Does she mean to say they will be so afraid that they will let them pass?
[Kiera minded.] minded makes no sense. You don't need to use dialogue tags for every bit of dialogue when there's only two people talking. If you're going to, "said" works fine here.
[treasurers off of others.] treasures
[ Let's just try 2 figure out the tracker.] to, not 2
[Yaron bid.] weird tag
[Xena asked as she tucked in.] tucked in what?
[Xena went on.] weird tag. Went on from what?
[up in space."] remove "
[The sky shown two suns, an orange larger one and a small yellow one.] What are you trying to say? "In the sky shone two suns - a large orange one and a small yellow one"?
[so we needn't need helmets."] remove need
[Aaron pointed.] pointed where? Give me a visual. For all I know he's pointing at someone's butthole.
[They put the ship in black bushes.] What kind of bushes? Describe them so I can picture them. Remember, your reader has never seen any of this. It's a whole new world. It's up to you as a writer to paint the picture.
[ real site was] do you mean site, as in a religious site? Or do you mean sight, as in the real visual?
[using the ship's bottom.] What? The snail butt is also a giant sensor? You need to better explain the ship and how it works, because this makes no sense to me.
[We checked you for it the first time came on board ] I think you're missing a word
[The crew kept walking and saw another person in the light.] Describe what they are seeing. All I picture with this is a regular person.
[Then the crew noticed a group of mixed-up people walk by. Only they were dancing, cartwheeling, and using bizarre instruments. They were headed towards the castle.] Again, elaborate. How are the instruments bizarre? What do you mean by "mixed-up people"?
[Aaron asked Xena."] remove "
[Yaron walked over to an instrument player who had dropped an instrument. He looked around, but couldn't find it.] Who couldn't find what?
[They sounded the loots and a man with a tied-back purple hair in a red outfit and golden shoes and familiar voice walked in a bowed.] This sentence is a mess.
[dips it's head] its, not it's. it's is short for it is. its is possessive.
[her underbelly.] missing quotation marks
[Tousin yelled again.] use something other than yelled around this spot. You used it way too many times in a row.
[is my wife. "I'd gladly] remove the " as it's already in the middle of a quote.
[than."] then
[Kiera went underwater then came back up being careful to keep the torch above her.] need a comma in this sentence. Probably after up.
[Then they heard a wailing sound.] What kind of wailing sound? Try something like: A piercing wail startled them, echoing throughout the cave.
[her plan."] remove "
[ because e can't] typo
I won't list every time you used a comma instead of a period in dialogue. You use a period instead of a comma every time. Fix that.
5/21 c2 J.Cousy
[On a very small planet on the edge of the Andromeda Galaxy were two beings with pink hair, floppy pink ears, red skin, and black furs with black fur shoes, stood on the edge of a small forest of blue plants.] Way too long of a sentence and quite jumbled. Needs to be reworked. Maybe "On a very small planet on the edge of the Andromeda Galaxy were two beings standing on the edge of a small forest of blue plants. They had pink hair, floppy pink ears, red skin, and black furs with black fur shoes"
That being said you really need to stop listing descriptors, it's a slog to read.
[them." the elder assured.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ THERE." the elder explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote. Don't capitalize to emphasis words.
[ ready." the elder promised.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[either." the elder spoke.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[I'll tell you. When you're ready." the elder repeated.] missing beginning quotation marks, comma not period at the end of the quote
[twinkling things." the younger spoke] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ gates." Yaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ thing." Yaron explained further.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Lucky us." Yaron said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[privacy." Yaron said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["It says 'About a week'." Yaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ Honey." Aaron told her.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["But it's red." Yaron attempted to correct.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[the color." Xena corrected.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[smooth-like." Aaron commented.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["There's these tree-like things out there. They're ENORMOUS! But the weirdest thing is the ship won't land. It's just hovering!"] who said this? there's no dialogue tag.
[you know." Xena reminded.] reminded who? comma not period at the end of the quote
[careful." Aaron told her.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ I will." Xena assured.] assured who? comma not period at the end of the quote
[them all." Yaron admitted.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Oops."Yaron said.] comma not period at the end of the quote, space between " and Yaron
[firing him." Xena said] comma not period at the end of the quote
[see." Aaron whispered.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ grabbed her backpack full of rocks,] why does she go out with rocks? Shouldn't the backpack for collecting rocks be empty? Otherwise how will she bring any back?
[AND a rumbling outside.] why is and capitalized?
[Xena, in another case,] wonky wording.
["GET BACK ON THE SHIP!"] do not capitalize for emphasis
[All at once, creatures the size of the palm of a hand ran past Xena and she fell against a "tree".] Very, very lacking in description. Instead of putting tree in quotes, explain the setting better beforehand. What does this tree like thing look like? Same with the creatures. All I'm picturing are hands.
["I'M COMING!" Aaron called.] do not capitalize for emphasis. For example, if this is because he's panicking, say he yelled and describe the feelings of panic he has. We should be able to infer it through your narration without you needing to use capitalization
The way you're describing gravity doesn't make a lot of sense.
[bigger." Yaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ case." Xena told] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Huh?" Aaron wondered aloud.] Aaron isn't wondering anything a loud. There is no coherent thought. It's a noise of confusion.
[again." Yaron explained further] comma not period at the end of the quote. Stop saying "explained further." There is no need for the word "further" because Yaron hadn't explained anything until then. Just say explained.
[Xena asked aloud.] remove aloud
["Yep." Yaron confirmed] comma not period at the end of the quote
[I swear." Yaron spoke the truth.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[communicator." Aaron offered.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[chief." said Xena.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[campsite." Aaron told his wife.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ talking." Aaron spoke.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[though." Aaron admitted.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Me either." said Xena.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[Karin." spoke Gareth] comma not period at the end of the quote
[All at once, ] you've used this too many times. Find a different way to start a sentence
Are these little things the same as what was introduced at the beginning of the chapter? You didn't make that clear.
[away." Yaron admitted.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ own." Xena explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ guy." Xena shook] comma not period at the end of the quote
[suppose." Xena said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ANYTHING." Yaron explained] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ knees." Xena said] comma not period at the end of the quote
[bend." Xena explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[knees." Yaron explained.] you sued "explained" way too much. comma not period at the end of the quote
[stars!" Xena insisted.] insisted is a weird tag to use here.
[parents." Tousin explained, too.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ time." Gareth told his wife.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[forever." Karin lamented.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["knees". ] use ' ' instead of " " because it's already in a quote.
[lost." Gareth explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[Tousin asked again.] this is his first time asking this question, so it is not "again."
[skies." Karin told him.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ 'stars'." Aaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[people." Yaron suggested.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[me." Gareth told him.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[are." Gareth said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[outside." said Yaron.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[anyway." said Aaron.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[feet." said Xena] comma not period at the end of the quote
[try." Xena suggested.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[""And now that] typo
[can." said Gareth.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[thing." Aaron said] comma not period at the end of the quote
[At the front of the room with two podiums were a man and in blue robes and a woman and in red robes and both had capes.] This is a mess. Try something like this: "Two podiums were at the front of the room. A man in blue robes and woman in red robes stood there. Capes were attached to their robes."
[Titan." Xena told him.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[twins." Xena explained further.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["It's my fault, senators! ] They're not senators. You just explained that they were President and Prime Minister. A president is head of state and the prime minister is head of government.
[leadership a that!] typo
[other worlds out there than this one.] worlds out there other than this one.
[ or arrested.] missing a word
[whinnied.] whined
[private." Julien told her.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ Brother." Julia agreed.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[okay." Xena said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[will." he said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[agreement." Julien said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[to." Julia said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ good." Jeremy finished.] finished is a weird tag here. comma not period at the end of the quote
[ quickly." Julien went on. ] comma not period at the end of the quote
[thing." Julia said] comma not period at the end of the quote
[Tousin." Aaron suggested.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[again." said Julien.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[time." Julia said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[Everyone took them off, again.
"Dlrow!"
Everyone took them off.
"World!"] How do they take them off again after taking them off "again"? Make it make sense
[malfunctioning." Aaron offered.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[mysteries." said Xena.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[planet." Julia asked.] Julia didn't ask a question, they made a statement. comma not period at the end of the quote
["Sorry, but no-can-do!" Aaron told her. "But he's coming with us.] Remove the second but
[four." Aaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[more." said Julien.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Fine." he conceded.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[time." Xena shared] comma not period at the end of the quote
[better." she said] comma not period at the end of the quote
You used "explained" 16 times in this chapter. Try to tie the dialogue to actions if you have to repeat dialogue tags.
[On a very small planet on the edge of the Andromeda Galaxy were two beings with pink hair, floppy pink ears, red skin, and black furs with black fur shoes, stood on the edge of a small forest of blue plants.] Way too long of a sentence and quite jumbled. Needs to be reworked. Maybe "On a very small planet on the edge of the Andromeda Galaxy were two beings standing on the edge of a small forest of blue plants. They had pink hair, floppy pink ears, red skin, and black furs with black fur shoes"
That being said you really need to stop listing descriptors, it's a slog to read.
[them." the elder assured.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ THERE." the elder explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote. Don't capitalize to emphasis words.
[ ready." the elder promised.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[either." the elder spoke.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[I'll tell you. When you're ready." the elder repeated.] missing beginning quotation marks, comma not period at the end of the quote
[twinkling things." the younger spoke] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ gates." Yaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ thing." Yaron explained further.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Lucky us." Yaron said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[privacy." Yaron said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["It says 'About a week'." Yaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ Honey." Aaron told her.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["But it's red." Yaron attempted to correct.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[the color." Xena corrected.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[smooth-like." Aaron commented.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["There's these tree-like things out there. They're ENORMOUS! But the weirdest thing is the ship won't land. It's just hovering!"] who said this? there's no dialogue tag.
[you know." Xena reminded.] reminded who? comma not period at the end of the quote
[careful." Aaron told her.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ I will." Xena assured.] assured who? comma not period at the end of the quote
[them all." Yaron admitted.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Oops."Yaron said.] comma not period at the end of the quote, space between " and Yaron
[firing him." Xena said] comma not period at the end of the quote
[see." Aaron whispered.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ grabbed her backpack full of rocks,] why does she go out with rocks? Shouldn't the backpack for collecting rocks be empty? Otherwise how will she bring any back?
[AND a rumbling outside.] why is and capitalized?
[Xena, in another case,] wonky wording.
["GET BACK ON THE SHIP!"] do not capitalize for emphasis
[All at once, creatures the size of the palm of a hand ran past Xena and she fell against a "tree".] Very, very lacking in description. Instead of putting tree in quotes, explain the setting better beforehand. What does this tree like thing look like? Same with the creatures. All I'm picturing are hands.
["I'M COMING!" Aaron called.] do not capitalize for emphasis. For example, if this is because he's panicking, say he yelled and describe the feelings of panic he has. We should be able to infer it through your narration without you needing to use capitalization
The way you're describing gravity doesn't make a lot of sense.
[bigger." Yaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ case." Xena told] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Huh?" Aaron wondered aloud.] Aaron isn't wondering anything a loud. There is no coherent thought. It's a noise of confusion.
[again." Yaron explained further] comma not period at the end of the quote. Stop saying "explained further." There is no need for the word "further" because Yaron hadn't explained anything until then. Just say explained.
[Xena asked aloud.] remove aloud
["Yep." Yaron confirmed] comma not period at the end of the quote
[I swear." Yaron spoke the truth.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[communicator." Aaron offered.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[chief." said Xena.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[campsite." Aaron told his wife.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ talking." Aaron spoke.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[though." Aaron admitted.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Me either." said Xena.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[Karin." spoke Gareth] comma not period at the end of the quote
[All at once, ] you've used this too many times. Find a different way to start a sentence
Are these little things the same as what was introduced at the beginning of the chapter? You didn't make that clear.
[away." Yaron admitted.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ own." Xena explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ guy." Xena shook] comma not period at the end of the quote
[suppose." Xena said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ANYTHING." Yaron explained] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ knees." Xena said] comma not period at the end of the quote
[bend." Xena explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[knees." Yaron explained.] you sued "explained" way too much. comma not period at the end of the quote
[stars!" Xena insisted.] insisted is a weird tag to use here.
[parents." Tousin explained, too.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ time." Gareth told his wife.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[forever." Karin lamented.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["knees". ] use ' ' instead of " " because it's already in a quote.
[lost." Gareth explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[Tousin asked again.] this is his first time asking this question, so it is not "again."
[skies." Karin told him.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ 'stars'." Aaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[people." Yaron suggested.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[me." Gareth told him.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[are." Gareth said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[outside." said Yaron.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[anyway." said Aaron.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[feet." said Xena] comma not period at the end of the quote
[try." Xena suggested.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[""And now that] typo
[can." said Gareth.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[thing." Aaron said] comma not period at the end of the quote
[At the front of the room with two podiums were a man and in blue robes and a woman and in red robes and both had capes.] This is a mess. Try something like this: "Two podiums were at the front of the room. A man in blue robes and woman in red robes stood there. Capes were attached to their robes."
[Titan." Xena told him.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[twins." Xena explained further.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["It's my fault, senators! ] They're not senators. You just explained that they were President and Prime Minister. A president is head of state and the prime minister is head of government.
[leadership a that!] typo
[other worlds out there than this one.] worlds out there other than this one.
[ or arrested.] missing a word
[whinnied.] whined
[private." Julien told her.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ Brother." Julia agreed.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[okay." Xena said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[will." he said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[agreement." Julien said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[to." Julia said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[ good." Jeremy finished.] finished is a weird tag here. comma not period at the end of the quote
[ quickly." Julien went on. ] comma not period at the end of the quote
[thing." Julia said] comma not period at the end of the quote
[Tousin." Aaron suggested.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[again." said Julien.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[time." Julia said.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[Everyone took them off, again.
"Dlrow!"
Everyone took them off.
"World!"] How do they take them off again after taking them off "again"? Make it make sense
[malfunctioning." Aaron offered.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[mysteries." said Xena.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[planet." Julia asked.] Julia didn't ask a question, they made a statement. comma not period at the end of the quote
["Sorry, but no-can-do!" Aaron told her. "But he's coming with us.] Remove the second but
[four." Aaron explained.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[more." said Julien.] comma not period at the end of the quote
["Fine." he conceded.] comma not period at the end of the quote
[time." Xena shared] comma not period at the end of the quote
[better." she said] comma not period at the end of the quote
You used "explained" 16 times in this chapter. Try to tie the dialogue to actions if you have to repeat dialogue tags.
1/14 c1 J.Cousy
All of your dialog sounds exactly the same. It sounds the way you talk. Your characters should have unique voices, but it feels like I was sitting here reading chat logs where you talked to yourself. Listen to the way people talk and create unique voices for your characters. It is a slog to read when everyone speaks exactly the same (even the narrator, as I'll mention in my first recommended fix). This is not a matter of opinion, which is why I included it in this review. People don't like to read books where all the characters have the same voice, especially when the dialogue itself is very clunky.
Having [collectors were busy collecting, well, rocks.] and then a line later [purple hair (well, mane)] is jarring. The first sentence doesn't even need the "well, rocks" part. Think of a better way to say that, because it's silly and feels like overkill when the exact same thing is used one sentence later.
This sentence: [A man with dark...] is way too long. Break it up in multiple sentences.
[a strange, rectangular device inside of his mouth made him able to speak was there] is almost nonsensical. Remove the "was there." Also, this should be its own sentence.
[seat which doubled as a swivel chair, which was bolted] too much "which" in one sentence. Remove one. "that was bolted" works fine.
[their surnames." the other man said...] The quote should end with a comma.
[Then a woman in a skin tight, pink spacesuit walked, or rather, she had been standing in the doorway when she caught them, caught them.] Fix this sentence. It doesn't match the narrator voice, is unnecessarily long, and is a mess.
[her waste.] should be "waist."
[Yaron said so full of sarcasm.] remove "so"
[She starred him down] stared, not starred
[fell to, well, EARTH] doesn't match the character voice, remove "well"
[with rocks,"] should be a period, not a comma.
["God set it all on motion] I think you meant "in" instead of on.
['Trotter', too." Yaron reminded her.] quote should end with a comma.
["Oh. He and there, too." Xena added.] not sure what "he and there" means, but the quote should end with a comma.
[and others." Aaron answered.] quote should end with a comma.
["We're almost there." Yaron said,] quote should end with a comma.
[in an air pocket.] you started this communication with quotation marks but didn't end with quotation marks. Pick one.
["Well, that was annoying." Yaron commented.] quote should end with a comma.
[l the water." Xena said.] quote should end with a comma (so-and-so said. is not a complete sentence)
[Xena said further.] remove further.
[But Aaron was cut again.] I think you mean "cut-off"
[Aaron pleaded, himself.] comma isn't necessary, but it sounds clunk "also pleaded" works better
[she said, assuring him.] "she assured him." works better
[ in a air pocket] should be "an air"
[pig tales] pigtails
[mary jane shoes.] Mary Jane shoes.
[Aaron greeted back. We brought you some real good ones."] You're missing quotation marks.
[of new elements, lately and] get rid of the comma
["I'll get it." interrupted Yaron.] quote should end in a comma
[the better." Yaron spat.] quote should end in a comma
["O-kay." Aaron spoke slowly.] quote should end in a comma
[ than," Lucretia said.] then not than
[ it's kind! ] should be "its." The apostrophe makes it a contraction, so as is it say "it is kind!" its without the apostrophe is used for possession.
[ in wonder.] you use this way too much.
[Miss Crumb." he said to Lucretia as he place down the rocks in the bag.] quote should end in a comma, should be "placed" not "place."
[Lark." she said as she pointed near the lab.] quote should end in a comma
["You-Never mind." Yaron said, stopping himself from complaining.] quote should end in a comma
[brainwaves." Lucretia explained] quote should end in a comma
[ replace our water." Aaron reminded.] quote should end in a comma
[certain direction.] be specific
[another planet." Yaron complained.] quote should end in a comma
[not a planet." Aaron told him.] quote should end in a comma
["Let's just get this over with." Yaron complained] quote should end in a comma. You use complained way too much. Say "whined" or something.
[don't do well with it." Aaron explained] quote should end in a comma
["Another robotic man's] remove quotation marks.
[ There's no water." Yaron asked] quote should end in a comma
[It's called, "skyfing."] should be 'skyfing.'"
[Aaron said as he lead the way.] should be led not lead
[Aaron's mom lead them] led not lead
[anymore." Yaron commented.] quote should end in a comma
[ inside." Xena explained.] quote should end in a comma
[ that's a shame." Aaron's father said.] quote should end in a comma
[ her dress." Yaron commented.] quote should end in a comma
[ does nothing on the ship." Yaron complained.] quote should end in a comma
[I carry in most of the specimens." Xena retorted.] quote should end in a comma
[I only speak the truth." Yaron said bluntly.] quote should end in a comma
["Let's go." Aaron said as he got up.] quote should end in a comma
[you're going to say, but okay." Aaron conceded.] quote should end in a comma
[ I'd fire him." Freddy said.] quote should end in a comma
[but he's not all bad." Aaron admitted.] quote should end in a comma
[All at once, there was a knock on the door.] All at once sounds off here. Use suddenly or abruptly instead.
["I'm Soo Claxton." said the Rider man.] quote should end in a comma
["And I'm Jeremy Eron." said the Human man.] quote should end in a comma
[our suspects for today." Jeremy spat.] quote should end in a comma
["That doesn't sound too lucky." said Yaron.] quote should end in a comma
["I was being sarcastic." Jeremy said.] quote should end in a comma
[Before we went here." Yaron lied.] quote should end in a comma
[He's a mechanic." Yaron told him.] quote should end in a comma
["Sorry if we bothered you." Soo apologized] quote should end in a comma
[who's even worse." said Aaron with a smile] quote should end in a comma
[Yaron only rolled his eyes.] remove only
[Soo left with a "Bye!".] remove period
[That way they can't see us leave." Yaron suggested.] quote should end in a comma
["Nice to see you happy." Aaron told him.] quote should end in a comma
["No need to thank me." Yaron said.] quote should end in a comma
[through the gates." Yaron explained.] quote should end in a comma
[definitely." Yaron explained further.] quote should end in a comma. remove "further." Also you use explained far too much.
[I guess I'm going, too." Yaron said] quote should end in a comma
["Lark." Yaron reminded.] quote should end in a comma. reminded who?
["Right. To the stars." Yaron declared.] You use declared far too much. quote should end in a comma
You're inconsistent with whether it is "Snail Model" or "snail model" or "Snail model." Pick one and make it uniform.
All of your dialog sounds exactly the same. It sounds the way you talk. Your characters should have unique voices, but it feels like I was sitting here reading chat logs where you talked to yourself. Listen to the way people talk and create unique voices for your characters. It is a slog to read when everyone speaks exactly the same (even the narrator, as I'll mention in my first recommended fix). This is not a matter of opinion, which is why I included it in this review. People don't like to read books where all the characters have the same voice, especially when the dialogue itself is very clunky.
Having [collectors were busy collecting, well, rocks.] and then a line later [purple hair (well, mane)] is jarring. The first sentence doesn't even need the "well, rocks" part. Think of a better way to say that, because it's silly and feels like overkill when the exact same thing is used one sentence later.
This sentence: [A man with dark...] is way too long. Break it up in multiple sentences.
[a strange, rectangular device inside of his mouth made him able to speak was there] is almost nonsensical. Remove the "was there." Also, this should be its own sentence.
[seat which doubled as a swivel chair, which was bolted] too much "which" in one sentence. Remove one. "that was bolted" works fine.
[their surnames." the other man said...] The quote should end with a comma.
[Then a woman in a skin tight, pink spacesuit walked, or rather, she had been standing in the doorway when she caught them, caught them.] Fix this sentence. It doesn't match the narrator voice, is unnecessarily long, and is a mess.
[her waste.] should be "waist."
[Yaron said so full of sarcasm.] remove "so"
[She starred him down] stared, not starred
[fell to, well, EARTH] doesn't match the character voice, remove "well"
[with rocks,"] should be a period, not a comma.
["God set it all on motion] I think you meant "in" instead of on.
['Trotter', too." Yaron reminded her.] quote should end with a comma.
["Oh. He and there, too." Xena added.] not sure what "he and there" means, but the quote should end with a comma.
[and others." Aaron answered.] quote should end with a comma.
["We're almost there." Yaron said,] quote should end with a comma.
[in an air pocket.] you started this communication with quotation marks but didn't end with quotation marks. Pick one.
["Well, that was annoying." Yaron commented.] quote should end with a comma.
[l the water." Xena said.] quote should end with a comma (so-and-so said. is not a complete sentence)
[Xena said further.] remove further.
[But Aaron was cut again.] I think you mean "cut-off"
[Aaron pleaded, himself.] comma isn't necessary, but it sounds clunk "also pleaded" works better
[she said, assuring him.] "she assured him." works better
[ in a air pocket] should be "an air"
[pig tales] pigtails
[mary jane shoes.] Mary Jane shoes.
[Aaron greeted back. We brought you some real good ones."] You're missing quotation marks.
[of new elements, lately and] get rid of the comma
["I'll get it." interrupted Yaron.] quote should end in a comma
[the better." Yaron spat.] quote should end in a comma
["O-kay." Aaron spoke slowly.] quote should end in a comma
[ than," Lucretia said.] then not than
[ it's kind! ] should be "its." The apostrophe makes it a contraction, so as is it say "it is kind!" its without the apostrophe is used for possession.
[ in wonder.] you use this way too much.
[Miss Crumb." he said to Lucretia as he place down the rocks in the bag.] quote should end in a comma, should be "placed" not "place."
[Lark." she said as she pointed near the lab.] quote should end in a comma
["You-Never mind." Yaron said, stopping himself from complaining.] quote should end in a comma
[brainwaves." Lucretia explained] quote should end in a comma
[ replace our water." Aaron reminded.] quote should end in a comma
[certain direction.] be specific
[another planet." Yaron complained.] quote should end in a comma
[not a planet." Aaron told him.] quote should end in a comma
["Let's just get this over with." Yaron complained] quote should end in a comma. You use complained way too much. Say "whined" or something.
[don't do well with it." Aaron explained] quote should end in a comma
["Another robotic man's] remove quotation marks.
[ There's no water." Yaron asked] quote should end in a comma
[It's called, "skyfing."] should be 'skyfing.'"
[Aaron said as he lead the way.] should be led not lead
[Aaron's mom lead them] led not lead
[anymore." Yaron commented.] quote should end in a comma
[ inside." Xena explained.] quote should end in a comma
[ that's a shame." Aaron's father said.] quote should end in a comma
[ her dress." Yaron commented.] quote should end in a comma
[ does nothing on the ship." Yaron complained.] quote should end in a comma
[I carry in most of the specimens." Xena retorted.] quote should end in a comma
[I only speak the truth." Yaron said bluntly.] quote should end in a comma
["Let's go." Aaron said as he got up.] quote should end in a comma
[you're going to say, but okay." Aaron conceded.] quote should end in a comma
[ I'd fire him." Freddy said.] quote should end in a comma
[but he's not all bad." Aaron admitted.] quote should end in a comma
[All at once, there was a knock on the door.] All at once sounds off here. Use suddenly or abruptly instead.
["I'm Soo Claxton." said the Rider man.] quote should end in a comma
["And I'm Jeremy Eron." said the Human man.] quote should end in a comma
[our suspects for today." Jeremy spat.] quote should end in a comma
["That doesn't sound too lucky." said Yaron.] quote should end in a comma
["I was being sarcastic." Jeremy said.] quote should end in a comma
[Before we went here." Yaron lied.] quote should end in a comma
[He's a mechanic." Yaron told him.] quote should end in a comma
["Sorry if we bothered you." Soo apologized] quote should end in a comma
[who's even worse." said Aaron with a smile] quote should end in a comma
[Yaron only rolled his eyes.] remove only
[Soo left with a "Bye!".] remove period
[That way they can't see us leave." Yaron suggested.] quote should end in a comma
["Nice to see you happy." Aaron told him.] quote should end in a comma
["No need to thank me." Yaron said.] quote should end in a comma
[through the gates." Yaron explained.] quote should end in a comma
[definitely." Yaron explained further.] quote should end in a comma. remove "further." Also you use explained far too much.
[I guess I'm going, too." Yaron said] quote should end in a comma
["Lark." Yaron reminded.] quote should end in a comma. reminded who?
["Right. To the stars." Yaron declared.] You use declared far too much. quote should end in a comma
You're inconsistent with whether it is "Snail Model" or "snail model" or "Snail model." Pick one and make it uniform.
4/19/2021 c1 HeyCharles
Please publish your work on NovelStar. For sure a lot of readers will love your work. There are also a lot of talented writers in the platform that you might want to work with.
Please publish your work on NovelStar. For sure a lot of readers will love your work. There are also a lot of talented writers in the platform that you might want to work with.
9/28/2019 c3 12HolidayTomorrow
So far, your story is very interesting and unique! I love the characters and the dialogue, especially the dialogue between Aaron and Yaron. The various alien lifeforms are very descriptive and imaginative! Keep up the good work!
12HolidayTomorrowSo far, your story is very interesting and unique! I love the characters and the dialogue, especially the dialogue between Aaron and Yaron. The various alien lifeforms are very descriptive and imaginative! Keep up the good work!
9/21/2019 c1 Greg
I want to like this but I think it needs some work.
There just isn't enough detail. The only thing you describe really at all is what the characters are wearing, which even that is just a list instead of a real, meaty description. It's just a bunch of dialogue. As a reader there's no way I can get invested in this.
I don't really know what's going on around the characters. Aside from their looks listed in the beginning, I don't even know what the characters look like when they're talking. What are their expressions, their posture?
There's no atmosphere. Even the dialogue feels cliche. It can be humorous at times but it's just lacking. The dialogue is mostly used as exposition and jokes.
You have some basic grammar mistakes.
So much potential in this idea. So much potential in the characters. You just need to put some actual meat onto this thing.
I want to like this but I think it needs some work.
There just isn't enough detail. The only thing you describe really at all is what the characters are wearing, which even that is just a list instead of a real, meaty description. It's just a bunch of dialogue. As a reader there's no way I can get invested in this.
I don't really know what's going on around the characters. Aside from their looks listed in the beginning, I don't even know what the characters look like when they're talking. What are their expressions, their posture?
There's no atmosphere. Even the dialogue feels cliche. It can be humorous at times but it's just lacking. The dialogue is mostly used as exposition and jokes.
You have some basic grammar mistakes.
So much potential in this idea. So much potential in the characters. You just need to put some actual meat onto this thing.
9/21/2019 c1 3Dinosaursarereal
I really like the setting and theme of this story. It’s really unique is keeps interest well. The characters all play off of each other well, good job!
3DinosaursarerealI really like the setting and theme of this story. It’s really unique is keeps interest well. The characters all play off of each other well, good job!
9/16/2019 c2 Joann
Very good story. Creative imagination.
Very good story. Creative imagination.
9/15/2019 c2 Freeman The Storymaker
Hmm, pretty good chapter if i say so myself. Good thing nobody got hurt.
Hmm, pretty good chapter if i say so myself. Good thing nobody got hurt.
9/4/2019 c1 Sakumira Agashi
This is a really good scifi with interesting characters and story! I love how differently you describe each person, and how they have their own unique personalities traits. The humor is really good too!
This is a really good scifi with interesting characters and story! I love how differently you describe each person, and how they have their own unique personalities traits. The humor is really good too!