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for Smile at the Jungle

1/1/2020 c1 bonk
I came back just to read the description, which I missed before, but that also says that Lelaki is Taka's son.

I don't even know anymore. XD
12/31/2019 c1 bonk
That first paragraph was puzzled me for a while. I just couldn't figure out why his father whirled around out of nowhere. (I kept thinking he was mad at Lelaki because he abandoned his game. But I guess he was in fighting mode all along. \_(ツ)_/) Then blood flies everywhere, Abati's friends are dead on the ground, and then suddenly Abati is too. I guess fighting is implied, and you're trying to focus on the tribe's helplessness because of when you wrote, "The tribe was doomed, most lay dead." It was just a tad bit fast for me. Not an issue. Oh, and where was Abati facing after he whirled around? And before? And was he facing someone? Friends? The invaders? It doesn’t really matter; it fights in with the rest of the writing. Both are just personal preference.


"Where was Lelaki? He tied to call his son's name..."

No, not the tiny, insignificant typo. This sentence is Taka wondering where Lelaki is (duh, you think). But wait! Taka tried to call his son's name too (also duh). Only after some deep thought was I able to conclude that Taka did not think about Lelaki’s whereabouts and then call his name. He tried to call Abati’s name. Because if Lelaki’s Abati’s son, Lelaki couldn't possibly be Taka's son. So I can conclude that Taka is Abati’s father and Lelaki’s grandfather. Changing "son's" to "Abati's" would've prevented confusion. PROOFREADING EDIT: "Lelaki would be captured by the enemy tribe, his beautiful son." Now I'm really confused. Did you mean to put a semicolon there or something? Or it Lelaki his son? I'd reread this again, but I've been up for way too long and need sleep."

Unless, Abati was a bad father and so the tribe's court let Taki take care of Lelaki and so he calls him his son even though he didn’t like… make him.

But that's unlikely.

Yes, I know I’m critiquing a story that you wrote a long while ago.

Anyways, noice story! I’m glad it was short though, because with… um… I guess I’ll call them “uncommon” names, my mind wants to take a nap since most stories like that are tediously long, boring, and full of spirit animals and all that stuff. But good job on fitting all that story-ness into just two short paragraphs. :)

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