Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for A Calm During The Storm

1/10 c2 JaveHarron
I enjoyed your action scenes in the manga here. An amnesiac hero is also a favorite trope of mine, and you've pulled it off well. I enjoyed your similes and worldbuilding. Just curious if you have any more stories set in this world coming.
12/27/2021 c2 3Katsurou Shimizu
I said that I would get to it by the end of the week.

I took a peek at the chapter and ended up reading the whole thing anyway.

This was much better than chapter one.

I don't know how much of an inspiration you took from Tanaka's works (since I haven't got acquainted with his wuxia pieces), but I loved the overall choreography. It's miles better than what I could envisioned in my own head for my own action setpieces (Which is why I just lulz it all with metaphors and call it a day). Oba-chan's final move is very reminiscent of Kyo Kusangi's end move, and that's simply kick-ass.

It's probably the execution of the action choreography that you could work on. More short, snappier sentences would increase the immediacy and desperation that the MC is experiencing. Of course, that is simply a matter of practice and more writing.

Of course, I'm a sucker for emotional flash-backs, and thought they worked well here. Oba-chan's last stand was good, as for the reminisces leading up to the MC's demise. I very much appreciate the free advertisement that I'm receiving for my story in any case, but these run-on sentences/stream-of-consciousness narration were simply me borrowing from somebody else as well xD

I personally feel that it is a shame that it remains a one-shot. There are ingredients of a potentially great novella here, shrunk down to size. There are glimpses of heartfelt relationships, conflict of ideals, kick-ass action that are reduced to mere droplets of moisture scattered across the fictional desert of rambling sand (not that the rambling isn't good, but you know what I mean)*

And that it is a shame.

Well, if you do end up re-working and expanding this, I'll be happy to re-acquaint myself with Lucas and co again.

[desired his sister because of some iditotic prophecy] typo for idiotic that I happen to chance upon.

*Don't mind my lulz simile. My brain isn't working after a long day.
12/26/2021 c1 Katsurou Shimizu
Irony will always come to haunt you, my friend. Here I am, and I accept the blame.

I read this piece midway last night, and then resumed and saw that you have made some changes (particularly added some dialogue). That was good. It actually provided a nice break in between the rambling narrator (ha ha ha) and a good dose of humour. Loved the mockery behind the lie of embarking in a true rabu quest.

Liked your similes and metaphors. If that is my influence rubbing off on you, that I'll gloriously take full credit. I might even borrow a few of them in future for my writing ( * w *) b

Yeah, the shadow backstory thing could have been cut, but I understand your decision to leave it in given the context of the story length (one/two-shot). Still, should you decide to abandon your procrastination and expand this into a longer piece, you could embed the backstory organically into the narrative more.

You can work on your narrative beat and tempo. The transition between the MC narrating like a storyteller to us and MC engaging in conversation/action could have been smoothed a lot more, I feel. But that would improve with more practice u b.

I still don't know why the sensei is named Oba-chan; I keep remembered the murdered candy auntie instead.

lion-fish, man-bats, spiderpigs; well, they do add into the intriguing setting.

I'll follow this. It shows promise, and I'll like to see the ending of the MC's true rabu quest. u
2/24/2020 c1 5Whirlymerle
Hi from the review game- depth!

Some line suggestions
[could I find content?] Think it would read better as “contentment”
[his act of genocide was reverred] Unless this is meant to be ironic, I think you should use a different word than “genocide,” because it has some really negative connotations. Even if that technically was what he was doing, people who appreciated his actions would probably call it something else, like “defense”

Narration: So overall, I like where you’re going with the sarcastic nature of the narrator. It gives him personality. I especially I lol’ed at the line about how his book was vandalized by some kid’s drawing of a giraffe. That said, due to the austere way that he speaks, I feel like when he’s not sarcastic, he’s comes across a bit too melodramatic. For instance, when he describes the fake sky as “a toothpick pretending to be Excalibur,” I’m thinking, bro, take it easy. You were literally daydreaming.

Scene: I like the description of Nihil. It was really vivid. And I enjoyed reading about how various beasts was impaled by the narrator’s sword.

Dialogue: Okay, I know there isn’t any, but that’s kinda why I want to comment on it. I think your piece would benefit a lot from dialogue, especially where the five warriors and your narrator are sitting around the fire. Dialogue breathes life into the scene, and it could complement well your narration.

Opening: So after reading the whole thing, I’m a little bit confused about where the opening is chronologically relative to everything else that happens. In my first read through, I thought the narrator was recapping everything up until the opening, but then the chapter ends with him falling asleep, and I was confused why he would fall asleep after staring at the sky. So I next thought that maybe he meets the five warriors after getting up from his daydreams? I didn’t get a clear sense of that though. Maybe you could add a line break to delineate the past and present.

I’m a fan of the lion gnawing at dandelions metaphor!

Thanks for the read!
2/14/2020 c1 7Fayechii
Hello from RG EF!
Honestly, it took me a while to get into your writing. I know beginnings are tricky. And the first sentence is the trickiest. Although when I finally got into it, I found your writing quite compelling. I liked your use of comparisons to better describe your scenery especially this: “I was like a lion gnawing on dandelions for dinner, thirsting for zebra flesh.” You deliver your character’s thoughts really well. The lack of dialogue didn’t diminish my interest as I read your story. Thumbs up for that!
You should be careful with your tenses though. I noticed your tenses were not always consistent. This is something I’ve always had struggle with. And I know using first person gives more room for these kinds of errors, especially when you are describing a thought of feeling. To note a few of them:
Still, it’ll have to do. – should be “it’d” to shorten “it would” instead of “it will”
And here I was – should be “there” instead of “here”
Now, the warriors departed the mortal realm… –you don’t need “Now”
Overall, it was a nice read. Don’t worry about your oneshot being two chapters. It’s alright. Some writers do that, too. So long as you do not sacrifice quality of the story just to fit the usual length of a oneshot.
2/8/2020 c1 6She Who Loves Pineapples II
Wow, this is really good. You explore some really interesting truths about good people fighting for the wrong side (and how reliable is our narrator? How do we know his side is the right side, if there is a right side indeed.) I’m looking forward to the next part.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service