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for Shekka's girls

6/11 c1 21MirrorOnes
I enjoyed this read. It really gave off a darker more mysterious vibe than other “magic boarding school” cliches (and I’m a sucker for a good magic boarding school). The dialogue really pulls the story and I think you wrote most of the in-character lines really well. I will comment on some of the lines seem to “push” details of the story really fast. For example; “You are a rookie witch. Comply and conform, and all will be well” is a great line, but it just stops there. Why does Suki need to “comply and conform”?, what is a “Rookie witch”?, doesn’t Sukie have these questions in her head? If you described some of those points more in depth in a separate paragraph so the reader can get a deeper sense of the world building at hand. I think you could really bump the story’s level with little additions like these.

Another comment, you use the dialogue word “said”adjective a lot (You use others, but "said" is really really prevalent). I would look into verbs that can be used as dialogue words to convey that specific feeling to break up the “said”s. (Though this is just a stylistic choice, and really has not effect on the overall comprehensibility of the story)

Overall, I liked the banter between the girls. Each point of dialogue allowed me to paint a better picture of each girl. (Sukie’s a bit more kindness/curiosity, Tia’s cautiousness and family history, etc).

I love the idea of “The Dark Goddess” and I and excited to see how this character plays a role in the future of the story! I also really liked the concept of give-and-take you implemented in this story. For the girls to get magic they needed to take away from their appearance, which could be used as a really good future device for any one of the characters. (Maddie or Tia maybe?) I know you were asking for what other attributes, other than the green skin, you could give/take from the girls to add, but I think the green skin, if played in the right direction that I’m thinking (using it as a way for the girls to never be able to return to a "normal" life, permanent choice kind of thing) is definitely enough of a "take" to move the story forward. (For me, if I had to have the green skin physical disfigurement to become a witch, I probably wouldn’t do it (vain, I know). Mental disfigurement, on the other than, I would totally give up my memory to become a witch (like early onset memory loss/etc).


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