for Explorer Girls5/23 c1 
2J.Cousy
["Sekai",] remove quotation marks
[Meanwhile the King] remove meanwhile
[After the 20 years,] so present time? When the story is taking place? Something about your introduction is jumbled, you should probably rework it.
[ them out of opening.] I think you mean out of hiding
[The girls would be forced out of hiding, and their children with them] How did they have children while hiding? Like were they living amongst the regular people and hoping to not be found?
[mountain, through] remove comma
["I'm glad Mom let me wear my best clothes, today! I told her I wanted to use my handmade clothes from now on! They're just as good as keeping out the cold and they're more fashionable! 'You should only use your talents when you need to, Asama! You'll run out of materials and designs'!"] Why is she talking to herself? Put this into the narration.
[white socks] is the color socks relevant? This is a waste of time.
[She left her parka on a coat rack. What remained was a bedazzled pink top ] Say she removed her parka to reveal a bedazzled pink top. Then you won't have to waste time reminding us she's wearing blue pants.
Why does she keep talking to herself? Very... cringy anime like.
You spend too much time on details no one cares about. The color of their socks is irrelevant to the story and to building the characters. You're not revealing anything that we care about.
[ stranger, was an] remove comma
[Asama's father, Haruto directed.] say their names when they're introduced in the narration.
[life,"] period
["'Normal.'?!"] remove period
[Girl,"] period. Connect this with the paragraph above.
[her mother began.] is she really beginning when this conversation has been going on for a minute? You used this exact same tag in the next time she spoke hahaha
[Kana .] remove the space
[sensei.] missing quotation marks.
["'Teleportation'?! Asama yelped. ] missing end "
["No, Hon, you don't,"] combine with previous paragraph, end in period.
["'The Wand of Winds'," said Kana." ] remove her saying this. She already said it, then Asama repeated it; she doesn't need to repeat it herself.
[Asama began to transform. She had on a pink blouse with a red bow, a red skirt with pink lace around it, red boots, and to top it all off, pink hair. She had pockets on either side of her skirt. She took out a compact mirror and admired her new look.] I can't picture this transformation at all, just that she suddenly had a different outfit and different hair. Explain how this happened. What was she feeling? Emotionally and physically? Anything? Or was it a flash of light and BAM! she has new clothes and hair?
[Then she] remove then. We know it's happening next.
["NO PICTURES!"] Don't rely on caps lock. Tell us her emotional state, describe how it sounds.
There is no reason for this to be two paragraphs:
["Pay attention!"
"And they said training a teenager would be easy," Kana remarked. "Now, wave your wand around in a circle."]
Make it one.
[Asama could make out, indeed a snowman.] remove the comma and indeed.
[IT'S right arm."] don't use caps lock. Also: its, not it's.
[it's] its
[IT'S] don't use caps lock. Also: its, not it's.
[ Kana reminded.] reminded who?
[tan skin.] ...? So the good guys are pale/white and the bad guys are tan/brown? YIKES
[it's sheath ] its
[Then the] remove then
Please stop making every sentence it's own paragraph.
["FORGET IT! I'm not waiting to be mocked over being defeated! I quit. FOR NOW!"] Who said this? I inferred it must be Kyo but there's no way to be certain
When it's just Kana and Asama, you can remove some dialogue tags because the reader can infer who is speaking based on the new paragraph for each new speaker (and there's only two of them)
Not a bad idea for a story. It screams magical girl anime, which you know I'm not really a fan of. I think you have an interesting lore system built up and I can see Asama's character very clearly through her actions and speaking. You did a great job with her character.
2J.Cousy["Sekai",] remove quotation marks
[Meanwhile the King] remove meanwhile
[After the 20 years,] so present time? When the story is taking place? Something about your introduction is jumbled, you should probably rework it.
[ them out of opening.] I think you mean out of hiding
[The girls would be forced out of hiding, and their children with them] How did they have children while hiding? Like were they living amongst the regular people and hoping to not be found?
[mountain, through] remove comma
["I'm glad Mom let me wear my best clothes, today! I told her I wanted to use my handmade clothes from now on! They're just as good as keeping out the cold and they're more fashionable! 'You should only use your talents when you need to, Asama! You'll run out of materials and designs'!"] Why is she talking to herself? Put this into the narration.
[white socks] is the color socks relevant? This is a waste of time.
[She left her parka on a coat rack. What remained was a bedazzled pink top ] Say she removed her parka to reveal a bedazzled pink top. Then you won't have to waste time reminding us she's wearing blue pants.
Why does she keep talking to herself? Very... cringy anime like.
You spend too much time on details no one cares about. The color of their socks is irrelevant to the story and to building the characters. You're not revealing anything that we care about.
[ stranger, was an] remove comma
[Asama's father, Haruto directed.] say their names when they're introduced in the narration.
[life,"] period
["'Normal.'?!"] remove period
[Girl,"] period. Connect this with the paragraph above.
[her mother began.] is she really beginning when this conversation has been going on for a minute? You used this exact same tag in the next time she spoke hahaha
[Kana .] remove the space
[sensei.] missing quotation marks.
["'Teleportation'?! Asama yelped. ] missing end "
["No, Hon, you don't,"] combine with previous paragraph, end in period.
["'The Wand of Winds'," said Kana." ] remove her saying this. She already said it, then Asama repeated it; she doesn't need to repeat it herself.
[Asama began to transform. She had on a pink blouse with a red bow, a red skirt with pink lace around it, red boots, and to top it all off, pink hair. She had pockets on either side of her skirt. She took out a compact mirror and admired her new look.] I can't picture this transformation at all, just that she suddenly had a different outfit and different hair. Explain how this happened. What was she feeling? Emotionally and physically? Anything? Or was it a flash of light and BAM! she has new clothes and hair?
[Then she] remove then. We know it's happening next.
["NO PICTURES!"] Don't rely on caps lock. Tell us her emotional state, describe how it sounds.
There is no reason for this to be two paragraphs:
["Pay attention!"
"And they said training a teenager would be easy," Kana remarked. "Now, wave your wand around in a circle."]
Make it one.
[Asama could make out, indeed a snowman.] remove the comma and indeed.
[IT'S right arm."] don't use caps lock. Also: its, not it's.
[it's] its
[IT'S] don't use caps lock. Also: its, not it's.
[ Kana reminded.] reminded who?
[tan skin.] ...? So the good guys are pale/white and the bad guys are tan/brown? YIKES
[it's sheath ] its
[Then the] remove then
Please stop making every sentence it's own paragraph.
["FORGET IT! I'm not waiting to be mocked over being defeated! I quit. FOR NOW!"] Who said this? I inferred it must be Kyo but there's no way to be certain
When it's just Kana and Asama, you can remove some dialogue tags because the reader can infer who is speaking based on the new paragraph for each new speaker (and there's only two of them)
Not a bad idea for a story. It screams magical girl anime, which you know I'm not really a fan of. I think you have an interesting lore system built up and I can see Asama's character very clearly through her actions and speaking. You did a great job with her character.
4/19/2021 c1 Guest
Hi i'm Shaeril McBrown
i need help
i'm being harassed by a teacher named Lisa Ware-Krantz
she is a 49 year old pedophile
she flames me on my fanfiction account and calls my stories pigshit
she sends me death threats through emails and text messages
she rapes me and tells me to kill myself
i want to kill myself so she can't bully me anymore
please help me report her!
she lives at 3662 Juniper Hills Drive, Rockwall, Texas 75032
her phone numbers are 972-771-0893 and 214-437-0250
her emails are lwarekrantz at hotmail dot com and lisa dot ware hyphen krantz at rockwallisd dot org
she works at rockwall-heath high school
they have an anonymous tip line where you can complain about her
here’s the site:
www dot rockwallisd dot com/Page/10702
i tried using it but i can't get a response
i don't know what else to do
please make her leave me alone
Hi i'm Shaeril McBrown
i need help
i'm being harassed by a teacher named Lisa Ware-Krantz
she is a 49 year old pedophile
she flames me on my fanfiction account and calls my stories pigshit
she sends me death threats through emails and text messages
she rapes me and tells me to kill myself
i want to kill myself so she can't bully me anymore
please help me report her!
she lives at 3662 Juniper Hills Drive, Rockwall, Texas 75032
her phone numbers are 972-771-0893 and 214-437-0250
her emails are lwarekrantz at hotmail dot com and lisa dot ware hyphen krantz at rockwallisd dot org
she works at rockwall-heath high school
they have an anonymous tip line where you can complain about her
here’s the site:
www dot rockwallisd dot com/Page/10702
i tried using it but i can't get a response
i don't know what else to do
please make her leave me alone
4/14/2021 c1 lucia1156
The story is powerful, I like how it was presented. Good job writer! If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on NovelStar, just submit your story to or
The story is powerful, I like how it was presented. Good job writer! If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on NovelStar, just submit your story to or
7/25/2020 c1 STEVEN
You should learn how to describe what people look like without listing everything. It's boring to read. Paint a picture instead of listing details. Don't be afraid of the word "said." You use like a billion different words and it feels silly. You also use exposition way too much. It feels childish.
I really like the idea. It reads like a Saturday morning cartoon which is cool. The narration is just kind of lacking. Maybe read some books that have a little more meat to them to learn how to write. Or maybe this is for children, I don't know.
You should learn how to describe what people look like without listing everything. It's boring to read. Paint a picture instead of listing details. Don't be afraid of the word "said." You use like a billion different words and it feels silly. You also use exposition way too much. It feels childish.
I really like the idea. It reads like a Saturday morning cartoon which is cool. The narration is just kind of lacking. Maybe read some books that have a little more meat to them to learn how to write. Or maybe this is for children, I don't know.