for Gloomy Castle3/12/2023 c14 
8empiresofwater
I liked Catherine trying to get involved in the conversation and feeling frustrated when the priest just tried to infantilise her. Lady Anne didn’t seem all that keen to intervene either! Catherine definitely betrayed her thoughts by protesting so much about Paul - hope she doesn’t get blamed for the theft too!
8empiresofwaterI liked Catherine trying to get involved in the conversation and feeling frustrated when the priest just tried to infantilise her. Lady Anne didn’t seem all that keen to intervene either! Catherine definitely betrayed her thoughts by protesting so much about Paul - hope she doesn’t get blamed for the theft too!
1/23/2023 c13 empiresofwater
I enjoyed Catherine’s adventures in Deauville! The bit where she was watching the can-can dancers was a lot of fun, and then the transition into her at the cathedral was very funny! Having adventures with Sir Humphrey sounds a lot more exciting than being under Mr Culpeper’s whims!
I enjoyed Catherine’s adventures in Deauville! The bit where she was watching the can-can dancers was a lot of fun, and then the transition into her at the cathedral was very funny! Having adventures with Sir Humphrey sounds a lot more exciting than being under Mr Culpeper’s whims!
11/30/2022 c12 empiresofwater
I like that Catherine was trying to show a more grown up side to herself. I do wonder what Lady Cleveland is up to behind her back though! I couldn’t quite picture the era this was set in – it could have almost been 1920s set or earlier!
I like that Catherine was trying to show a more grown up side to herself. I do wonder what Lady Cleveland is up to behind her back though! I couldn’t quite picture the era this was set in – it could have almost been 1920s set or earlier!
7/16/2022 c11 empiresofwater
Sounds like they’ve got themselves quite an act to pretend in! Something tells me it will become more than just an act though, if it isn’t already ;)
Sounds like they’ve got themselves quite an act to pretend in! Something tells me it will become more than just an act though, if it isn’t already ;)
5/21/2022 c10 empiresofwater
Catherine really showed her true feelings towards Thomas Culpepper when she got drunk! I hope she manages to find out more about Paul Atherton soon, it seems she was a step closer here. I don’t think you needed the underline AND italic for the emphasis at the end – the italic would have done okay, although probably not as much was needed!
Catherine really showed her true feelings towards Thomas Culpepper when she got drunk! I hope she manages to find out more about Paul Atherton soon, it seems she was a step closer here. I don’t think you needed the underline AND italic for the emphasis at the end – the italic would have done okay, although probably not as much was needed!
4/11/2022 c9 empiresofwater
Sounds like they’ve got a mystery to solve! Excited to see this Paul and see what he can reveal about the case in the churchyard. I wish Catherine had thought about how she would deal with the situation and her nerves/fear/excitement about being unwittingly involved in this case, rather than wondering about what she’ll wear. I want to see her head and her mind rather than what she looks like!
Sounds like they’ve got a mystery to solve! Excited to see this Paul and see what he can reveal about the case in the churchyard. I wish Catherine had thought about how she would deal with the situation and her nerves/fear/excitement about being unwittingly involved in this case, rather than wondering about what she’ll wear. I want to see her head and her mind rather than what she looks like!
2/15/2022 c8 empiresofwater
I like the description of London here, although I don’t think anyone has *ever* arrived at Waterloo station and liked the smell or atmosphere of it. Catherine must have *really, really* disliked the countryside LOL. I kept getting the impression that this was set in the past rather than in modern England, as the description said, with the amount of lords and ladies mentioned. I hope that Catherine can find out what happened to Percival’s nephew! (one tiny suggestion would be to call him a different name other than ‘Paul’ considering his uncle is dean of...St Paul’s).
I like the description of London here, although I don’t think anyone has *ever* arrived at Waterloo station and liked the smell or atmosphere of it. Catherine must have *really, really* disliked the countryside LOL. I kept getting the impression that this was set in the past rather than in modern England, as the description said, with the amount of lords and ladies mentioned. I hope that Catherine can find out what happened to Percival’s nephew! (one tiny suggestion would be to call him a different name other than ‘Paul’ considering his uncle is dean of...St Paul’s).
11/11/2021 c7 empiresofwater
Seems Catherine has been very affected by that kiss. Culpeper doesn’t seem the most attentive type, taking advantage of her like that only to then leave her. I wanted to see that dinner where she was going to grill him more closely! I wonder what mystery Lady Anne has in mind.
Seems Catherine has been very affected by that kiss. Culpeper doesn’t seem the most attentive type, taking advantage of her like that only to then leave her. I wanted to see that dinner where she was going to grill him more closely! I wonder what mystery Lady Anne has in mind.
8/26/2021 c6 Guest
The guardian was called Brannent the first 2-3 chapters. After Francis wad introduced, I deduced that the guardian had been renamed to Culpepper. You should definitely go back and fix that ASAP!
Things are progressing way too fast!
It's not natural for their first "intimate" touch to happen "accidentally" and then 20 minutes later Culpepper is forcibly kissing the protagonist and she is swooning into it. Although it's easy enough to conclude that Culpepper will "have his way" with the protagonist, You have not done any real groundwork to convince the reader that she has a true attraction to him (it's been mentioned that he is "young" and had attractive grey eyes and a dream that she was making love as another woman, which wasn't brought out from the protagonist's subconscious so it can scarcely be considered as a relevant pointer to her level of attraction. Particularly considering that the main focus was on Bessie's voluptuous body and whom she conceived a child with, it isn't a direct connection to that the protagonist is attracted to Culpepper. She could have dreamt that as a result of her suspicions that Culpepper was the father to Bessie's child). So, it that seems like you wanted to get to the steamy part already. I don't believe that is true, since you've taken the time to write 6 chapters, rather than a one shot, but your story is in need of much help.
I've included some suggestions below.
It's not natural, in the timespan (less than a fortnight), for her housekeeper to say "maybe you'll grow to like him when you get to know him better" and then the very next day the silly girl is declaring, of the man whom yesterday she was skeptical and suspicious of, "you're not like that at all!" Meaning that her guardian was unlike her apparently cruel, and ruinous Uncle who only cared for increasing his own fortune. It's not natural for the progress of the "Bessie" mystery to have reached the point of the primary suspect doing show and tell within 24-hours, especially considering the intention to develop him as a character who exerts power and control over all and has no apparent qualms about silencing the opposition. I understand the option to use sex as a tool for Culpepper to silence his young charge, but the story would need to be more developed in order to support this as the choice. As of now it just struck me as a ridiculous leap with no depth of character, real time passage, plot development, etc. You have to flesh out your characters before they can start to progress toward the goal of unraveling the mystery of Bessie Blount's life, so that your readers can understand why you've made the choice to have Culpepper reveal the truth and then kiss the protagonist. As of now there is no clear reason for the way things are going, aside from this is the writer's desired outcome... but it doesn't fit with the characters or story you've begun - yet! Think about any good book you've read and reflect on how they build characters. When reading it feels like getting acquainted, when writing, however, it can feel like a deviation from the objective: side stories to flesh out your characters with "real world" situations wherein you put their characteristics, skills, personality on display while they respond to the circumstances of life. This way you're not relying exclusively on descriptive words (elegant, clever, skinny) to attempt to portray your character. And I say ATTEMPT because the number one thing I learned in creative writing is that merely describing a character will not engage the reader. The reader will not be captivated and convinced of the protagonist's true nature and the antagonist's villainy unless we have been on a journey with them and witnessed, so to speak, what they actually do when push comes to shove. Descriptive words tell the reader what the writer wants us to believe about the character but it doesn't pack enough punch to be convincing. Readers fall in love with characters because they have the sense of being along for the journey too. The writing device is simple. You'll see it in any fictitious work. Protagonist goes on a journey, with a specific objective to complete. Imagine Lancelot and his sword quest. Along the way protagonist runs into difficulties. These may be internal (emotional/mental) or external (a dragon, a pitfall, a dungeon, or a treacherous wizard). The best stories have a combination of both. The protagonist resolves the present problem; frequently new/returning characters will be introduced here, as this is a great device for adding dimension to the protagonist and contributing to the resolution where the protagonist's chsracter flaws and weaknesses or physical limitations (e.g. laws of space, time, distance, gravity) may need to be filled in. Please note: a good protagonist has flaws just like a real person, otherwise they wouldn't be relatable. Another device for problem resolution is the "side quest" wherein the protagonist ultimately solves the present problem by first solving someone else's problem (treacherous wizard will release protagonist from dungeon if protagonist can retrieve extremely rare ingredient for potion). With either of these or any other devices used to resolve problems in the plot, the writer's goal is to develop the character. Make the reader know and love your protagonist. When the present problem is resolved, along with it is some progress toward the overarching objective (e.g. obtaining the sword from the stone) that may also be introduced by way of the new/returning character. For example, after stumbling upon his former fellow knight (protagonist) being chased by a giant troll, the support character aids in the defeat and then offers his friend (protagonist) to come back home to stay with his family, and, oh, as it turns out, that detour actually puts the protagonist 500 miles closer to the goal! So, then the reprieve would be used to build lesser seen characteristics. When the journey resumes, another difficulty arises and, again, the protagonist resolves it with their skills and characteristics. There will be a brief period of literal rest built in to the story or some less-than-eventful details (like a protagonist's reflection on the past) will be woven in. This pattern of problem resolution and rest will continue until the climax, which is the ultimate problem, the resolution of which will be the accomplishment of the protagonist's primary objective. The climax is the point at which the reader should have already fallen in love with the protagonist, is convinced of, and believes in the good qualities portrayed and is now rooting for his/her success. The conclusion is only satisfying if, that anxiety for the protagonist's success is felt by the reader during the climax and then the protagonist behaves accordingly in the final words and actions. If a sequel is in the works, sometimes writer's use the "out of character" device to signal that something new/more/greater/unexpected is coming (i.e. it's a built in hint toward the impending sequel); this is effective because the human brain is designed to analyze other's behaviors and categorize them accordingly. When a character in a story acts uncharacteristically, our brain doesn't know where to categorize this information, so it retains it in short-term memory until some new information can help categorize it. Usually, the new information won't come along until the sequel. So, it ensures that the reader will come back for the second installment! Otherwise, again, in the conclusion, the protagonist should act according to the character that has been established throughout the story so as to make for a satisfying end for the reader.
Hope this advice is helpful in your writing!
The guardian was called Brannent the first 2-3 chapters. After Francis wad introduced, I deduced that the guardian had been renamed to Culpepper. You should definitely go back and fix that ASAP!
Things are progressing way too fast!
It's not natural for their first "intimate" touch to happen "accidentally" and then 20 minutes later Culpepper is forcibly kissing the protagonist and she is swooning into it. Although it's easy enough to conclude that Culpepper will "have his way" with the protagonist, You have not done any real groundwork to convince the reader that she has a true attraction to him (it's been mentioned that he is "young" and had attractive grey eyes and a dream that she was making love as another woman, which wasn't brought out from the protagonist's subconscious so it can scarcely be considered as a relevant pointer to her level of attraction. Particularly considering that the main focus was on Bessie's voluptuous body and whom she conceived a child with, it isn't a direct connection to that the protagonist is attracted to Culpepper. She could have dreamt that as a result of her suspicions that Culpepper was the father to Bessie's child). So, it that seems like you wanted to get to the steamy part already. I don't believe that is true, since you've taken the time to write 6 chapters, rather than a one shot, but your story is in need of much help.
I've included some suggestions below.
It's not natural, in the timespan (less than a fortnight), for her housekeeper to say "maybe you'll grow to like him when you get to know him better" and then the very next day the silly girl is declaring, of the man whom yesterday she was skeptical and suspicious of, "you're not like that at all!" Meaning that her guardian was unlike her apparently cruel, and ruinous Uncle who only cared for increasing his own fortune. It's not natural for the progress of the "Bessie" mystery to have reached the point of the primary suspect doing show and tell within 24-hours, especially considering the intention to develop him as a character who exerts power and control over all and has no apparent qualms about silencing the opposition. I understand the option to use sex as a tool for Culpepper to silence his young charge, but the story would need to be more developed in order to support this as the choice. As of now it just struck me as a ridiculous leap with no depth of character, real time passage, plot development, etc. You have to flesh out your characters before they can start to progress toward the goal of unraveling the mystery of Bessie Blount's life, so that your readers can understand why you've made the choice to have Culpepper reveal the truth and then kiss the protagonist. As of now there is no clear reason for the way things are going, aside from this is the writer's desired outcome... but it doesn't fit with the characters or story you've begun - yet! Think about any good book you've read and reflect on how they build characters. When reading it feels like getting acquainted, when writing, however, it can feel like a deviation from the objective: side stories to flesh out your characters with "real world" situations wherein you put their characteristics, skills, personality on display while they respond to the circumstances of life. This way you're not relying exclusively on descriptive words (elegant, clever, skinny) to attempt to portray your character. And I say ATTEMPT because the number one thing I learned in creative writing is that merely describing a character will not engage the reader. The reader will not be captivated and convinced of the protagonist's true nature and the antagonist's villainy unless we have been on a journey with them and witnessed, so to speak, what they actually do when push comes to shove. Descriptive words tell the reader what the writer wants us to believe about the character but it doesn't pack enough punch to be convincing. Readers fall in love with characters because they have the sense of being along for the journey too. The writing device is simple. You'll see it in any fictitious work. Protagonist goes on a journey, with a specific objective to complete. Imagine Lancelot and his sword quest. Along the way protagonist runs into difficulties. These may be internal (emotional/mental) or external (a dragon, a pitfall, a dungeon, or a treacherous wizard). The best stories have a combination of both. The protagonist resolves the present problem; frequently new/returning characters will be introduced here, as this is a great device for adding dimension to the protagonist and contributing to the resolution where the protagonist's chsracter flaws and weaknesses or physical limitations (e.g. laws of space, time, distance, gravity) may need to be filled in. Please note: a good protagonist has flaws just like a real person, otherwise they wouldn't be relatable. Another device for problem resolution is the "side quest" wherein the protagonist ultimately solves the present problem by first solving someone else's problem (treacherous wizard will release protagonist from dungeon if protagonist can retrieve extremely rare ingredient for potion). With either of these or any other devices used to resolve problems in the plot, the writer's goal is to develop the character. Make the reader know and love your protagonist. When the present problem is resolved, along with it is some progress toward the overarching objective (e.g. obtaining the sword from the stone) that may also be introduced by way of the new/returning character. For example, after stumbling upon his former fellow knight (protagonist) being chased by a giant troll, the support character aids in the defeat and then offers his friend (protagonist) to come back home to stay with his family, and, oh, as it turns out, that detour actually puts the protagonist 500 miles closer to the goal! So, then the reprieve would be used to build lesser seen characteristics. When the journey resumes, another difficulty arises and, again, the protagonist resolves it with their skills and characteristics. There will be a brief period of literal rest built in to the story or some less-than-eventful details (like a protagonist's reflection on the past) will be woven in. This pattern of problem resolution and rest will continue until the climax, which is the ultimate problem, the resolution of which will be the accomplishment of the protagonist's primary objective. The climax is the point at which the reader should have already fallen in love with the protagonist, is convinced of, and believes in the good qualities portrayed and is now rooting for his/her success. The conclusion is only satisfying if, that anxiety for the protagonist's success is felt by the reader during the climax and then the protagonist behaves accordingly in the final words and actions. If a sequel is in the works, sometimes writer's use the "out of character" device to signal that something new/more/greater/unexpected is coming (i.e. it's a built in hint toward the impending sequel); this is effective because the human brain is designed to analyze other's behaviors and categorize them accordingly. When a character in a story acts uncharacteristically, our brain doesn't know where to categorize this information, so it retains it in short-term memory until some new information can help categorize it. Usually, the new information won't come along until the sequel. So, it ensures that the reader will come back for the second installment! Otherwise, again, in the conclusion, the protagonist should act according to the character that has been established throughout the story so as to make for a satisfying end for the reader.
Hope this advice is helpful in your writing!
8/10/2021 c6 empiresofwater
Catherine is very breathless in this chapter LOL! I’m still not feeling the attraction between her and Thomas, it seems quite ‘man woman must be attracted to each other’ which I’m never a fan off LOL. I’d love love love to see more between them and some more tension, otherwise the kiss and intimacy doesn’t necessarily pay off. Plus I’d love to know more about Bessie and her character, I highly doubt Catherine would pine for her fate when it sounds like the poor girl was r*ped. There’s some hints of nice mystery in this chapter though!
Catherine is very breathless in this chapter LOL! I’m still not feeling the attraction between her and Thomas, it seems quite ‘man woman must be attracted to each other’ which I’m never a fan off LOL. I’d love love love to see more between them and some more tension, otherwise the kiss and intimacy doesn’t necessarily pay off. Plus I’d love to know more about Bessie and her character, I highly doubt Catherine would pine for her fate when it sounds like the poor girl was r*ped. There’s some hints of nice mystery in this chapter though!
4/15/2021 c1 AvegaLil
I love this authors books and I thought this one was exceptional. If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on Novel Star, just submit your story to or
I love this authors books and I thought this one was exceptional. If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on Novel Star, just submit your story to or
12/10/2020 c4 empiresofwater
I love the sound of Bessie! Though I couldn’t quite get a picture of her character or appearance too much - what exactly makes her have a body to die for etc? That sounded a bit reductive to her, but a few more details might have fleshed her out a bit more if that was the description you were going with. I hope Catherine manages to discover some things soon! Perhaps she could encounter a different obstacle rather than being guiding to falling asleep or into sensual pleasures? That works nicely once, but other varied ways would help to build the mystery even more.
I love the sound of Bessie! Though I couldn’t quite get a picture of her character or appearance too much - what exactly makes her have a body to die for etc? That sounded a bit reductive to her, but a few more details might have fleshed her out a bit more if that was the description you were going with. I hope Catherine manages to discover some things soon! Perhaps she could encounter a different obstacle rather than being guiding to falling asleep or into sensual pleasures? That works nicely once, but other varied ways would help to build the mystery even more.
10/3/2020 c3 empiresofwater
Nice chapter! I definitely got the sense that this was set a while ago - maybe early 20th century or even before? - and I was surprised to be reminded that it was in modern times! I’m so excited to see Catherine find out some of the mysteries of this castle she has inherited, I hope she doesn’t just accept that her uncle is in full control!
Nice chapter! I definitely got the sense that this was set a while ago - maybe early 20th century or even before? - and I was surprised to be reminded that it was in modern times! I’m so excited to see Catherine find out some of the mysteries of this castle she has inherited, I hope she doesn’t just accept that her uncle is in full control!
10/1/2020 c3 RAYANG
This can't be modern by long shot. 1920's would be latest I would put this story. The girl is absolutely ghastly. She sounds like petulant 5 year old know it all missy. I am guessing you will redeem her in some way. The guy sounds like fun. But then ML are reason we read these kind of stories. Who gives fudge about FL anyway.
I hope you will carry on. I liked it.
This can't be modern by long shot. 1920's would be latest I would put this story. The girl is absolutely ghastly. She sounds like petulant 5 year old know it all missy. I am guessing you will redeem her in some way. The guy sounds like fun. But then ML are reason we read these kind of stories. Who gives fudge about FL anyway.
I hope you will carry on. I liked it.
8/24/2020 c2 empiresofwater
I can see this was a chapter essentially to introduce Seymour (hence the title LOL) but I liked the little hints into Catherine’s past. I would love to know more about her parents, and her feelings towards that tragedy, and how it has affected her. Has the mystery of their deaths led to her wanting to delve into research about the castle and other things? Talking about the castle, is this a fictional Gloucester? Because the city of Gloucester probably couldn’t be described as a ‘fishing village’! Also, just a little British note - Seymour, as a Brit, wouldn’t say ‘gotten’ :)
I can see this was a chapter essentially to introduce Seymour (hence the title LOL) but I liked the little hints into Catherine’s past. I would love to know more about her parents, and her feelings towards that tragedy, and how it has affected her. Has the mystery of their deaths led to her wanting to delve into research about the castle and other things? Talking about the castle, is this a fictional Gloucester? Because the city of Gloucester probably couldn’t be described as a ‘fishing village’! Also, just a little British note - Seymour, as a Brit, wouldn’t say ‘gotten’ :)