Just In
for Black Sand

12/1/2022 c2 JaveHarron
Liking the elemental themes here, but a few thoughts. I like the minimalist, stream of conscious description. However, the pacing is a little slow for my general tastes, although that may be more of your style. I think creative touches, like metaphors and allusions, would complement the poetic style you are going for. I do enjoy fantasy that aims for sparse words rather than walls of text, so hope that helps.
1/18/2022 c2 4ChildAtHeart94
((Note: This review contains spoilers for chapter 2))

Cons: I apologize because I am going to repeat myself like an old record.
-There's still grammar and word mistakes, though minor. If you do intend on publishing your works I would advise you to hire an editor or editors to help you with that. I struggle with grammar and punctuation all the time, so you aren't alone there. Grammarly does help a bit and unfortunately to get the full version of it, it does cost money so it does create a new challenge. Once the errors are patched up it'll be much easier for readers to stay in the world you are writing because what improper writing does is take you out of the story completely. Though I will say it's not as bad as it was before. Just be aware and plan for the future.
-The trope of females not being respectable fighters is clique. Now, this is less of a factual thing and more of an opinion, so you can take this with a grain of salt. I've been reading a lot of stories that have too much in common, this being one of them. By no means am I staying you need to change this entirely, it just seems to be a common trope in most fantasy and even sci-fi movies/books I'm into. I understand this is a retelling of Peter Pan so maybe this is just to follow the narrative presented in that.
-There should be more descriptive words. Don't get me wrong, you've put more effort into doing this. My favorite is when you described how there were echoes of swords until brunch. I really like the description, it helps create a picture in my mind of people training. What is confusing though is, as I said about the first chapter, the setting. Is this at the castle, or are they just out on some field? Maybe I'm just not noticing it though it seems like more descriptive words are necessary.

Now the good stuff!

-I love how in both chapter 1 and 2, we get an idea of what's going on without tons of exposition. Or in other words, there isn't too much explaining. I've read material where the author spends so much time explaining the world that it dulls the story. What makes a story intriguing to the reader is when they are thrown into the world without knowing much. In chapter 1 there was the water wall and there's enough information to know it's in the forest and for whatever reason, Nana is helping Brigitte keep her visitations of it a secret. Why? Well, they have to read to find out. I love how in this chapter, we get to meet more characters like Brigitte's brother Liam. You use some good descriptive words for us readers to get a picture of what he looks like, but you don't delve into his character because that's when the showing comes in. You do this especially well with Kardama. The 'telling' you do is give a brief summary of how he seems to have been injured from a past battle and how tough he is. We know that Kardama is a trainer and he's fought hard so he's most likely worthy of that title. The 'showing' of him fighting tells us indirectly how strong he is. I enjoyed reading about him.
-The humor. You've got a few small witty things in this chapter, and I love how it doesn't go overboard. If a writer tries too hard to be funny, it will be less humorous and more cringy. Trust me, I've read plenty. A good book as a balance of humor, action, etc. and so far I saw it in this chapter.

This was another great read, hope my review was helpful.

Sincerely, ChildAtHeart94
1/4/2022 c1 ChildAtHeart94
((Note: this review contains spoilers for chapter 1))

Wow, you've done a lot of revising. The last time I saw this chapter it was much shorter. Okay, so when I leave reviews I like to share the pros and cons as I consider critque to be a perspective on the good and the bad (the purpose being to help you improve, not tear you down). Let me know how you feel about my review as a whole and if its helpful. I know I am just one person and what I say is just opinion. Okay, first I'll start with the cons just so this review can end on a sweet note.

-Grammar errors. For example, toward the end of the chapter its says shear and I think you meant share. There are tools that you can use to help fix it. I use Google Docs and Microsoft Word and usually it points out errors I need to fix. And as of the date I'm typing this, there is a browser extension called Grammarly that helps you write a certain way and goes beyond to make sure your writing is good (don't get me wrong, your writing is great, I'll just make it the best version of your writing). You have to pay extra for more features but the basic free stuff allows you to see errors in grammar, spelling, and sometimes punctuation. It'll tell you if you sound friendly, formal, etc. I struggle with grammar, etc. as well and all that I have mentioned haa been a great help to me.
-Not enough description. I am a believer of show don't tell, but exposition is sometimes necessary. I'm not saying you need to write paragraphs of it, just add a few more details to the surroundings and where the Water Wall is located so your readers can imagine it more clearly. I was kind of confused and thought it was a mirror at first. Also I don't know if they are in a forest, a meadow, etc. A description of the surroundings would help.
-The reflection swam? I think I know what you're trying to say here-her reflection is not literally swimming, but again its confusing and that's what I thought at first. You could say something like 'The waves of the Water Wall played with her reflection, moving fragments of her brown hair and fair skin to and fro' or you can rephrase it however you please, it just needs to make more sense.

Now the good stuff!

-The show not telling: I like how you don't go too much into introducing the characters. It makes readers curious and they keep wanting to read more. The best books I've read reveal things over time. For example, in Meyer's Twilight, we don't find out Edward is a vampire right off. He's acting strange and Bella has no idea why. She thinks something is wrong with her. In reality, Edward was having a hard time because the smell of her blood was intoxicating and he didn't want to hurt her. Imagine if this was explained in one chapter. I would have no reason to continue reading. You added enough description of Brigitte so readers can get an idea of what she looks like and we know she has a Nana who has taught her and her brother. I'm excited to see where the story goes :)
- The passion is there: Oftentimes when I read fan fiction and original works I can tell if the writer is going through the motions or if they are passionate to write their story. I can tell you've put a lot of effort into this first chapter in making it simple, sweet, longer but not too long.
-Foreshadowing: When Nana warns Brigitte about the Water Wall, I got the impression that it was foreshadowing something. You did fantastic writing that part.

Overall I enjoyed reading this and I hope my review was helpful. It is only a suggestion and you can change or not change as you'd like. Can't wait to read another chapter :)
12/27/2021 c1 delilahryan98
Hi, I really like with the story do you plan to continue the story? I can feel that you have great writing skill. anyway I want to give you an offer, but may I know your mailing acc? I will be glad that we can talk it at mail

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service