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2/22 c2 10Tegh
Not to harp on it, but there still seem to be odd spacing/breaks. The first section I believe would have gone better with the previous chapter, then start the next one, at the first page break here. Merle was introduced in the last chapter, but it seems like either that was forgotten here, or simply misplaced. Also, the page breaks feel like significant jump cuts lol. Like suddenly there's a different story happening, but it's running somehow parallel to the other section. The delayed intro of whom the mc was speaking to in the hospital, didn't really seem necessary.

Sorry, these are more brief than the first one, but trying to not get busted at work!

-Tegh
2/21 c1 Tegh
Evening, while you asked that I review a few chapters, I'll be going one by one. I get a bit nitpicky sometimes, so it's nothing against you or your writing; I'm just trying to give the best feedback I can. With that said...here we go lol!

"That's far enough for today, she thought to herself" - personally, I think it's best to italicize internal monolog.

Opening is slow, then fast and muddled. I get if you're aiming for it to be confusing, but the second paragraph when compared to the first, is quiet choppy. It's like two different styles in the first couple paragraphs. Would suggest picking a style and sticking with it, at least for a little while.

""He has learned his lesson, yes no? Come, the sun soon will rise," came the heavily accented, nasally voice." - the yes no, is rather odd/confusing, plus I think you should add the description in between the dialogue lines for a better flow into the next sentence. example ("He has learned..." came the voice. "Come the sun..")

""You… you just going…" Irene nearly screamed..." -combine these lines into 1 paragraph.

"She dug her keys out of her pocket and worked on freeing the unfortunate soul. Who would do something like this? "Why didn't you say you'd been tied up?"" -again italicize the internal monologue, especially since dialogue follows right after. it would help to differentiate.

"Jingle. Jangle. Muttering under her breath, Irene struggled with the old lock." - neither Jingle nor jangle are a sentence, and was that what was muttered? Just an odd way to describe that bit.

"For the first time, Irene had wished she owned a cell phone. She could have called 9-1-1 when she first saw the disturbance.." -this sentence kinda dates when it was written, might want to update it, or keep it in if that's the time frame you'd like the story set in.

Dialogue's not bad, but it does seem to be a bit much, then again not a terrible way to set the scene/character. Just not really my cup of tea, I'd prefer if it was a bit more succinct.

"The ride to school seemed to pass in the blink of an eye." -this is a rather abrupt shift from the earlier scene, so might want a page break, or something just to indicate the shift.

(Sorry was running low on time, so I'll just summarize after this.)

The school section seemed a bit out of place. I liked the addition of the other character, and normal life, but again it just doesn't seem to flow well. Adding the bits about the family background was well done though. Once it went back to the basement it was like the the story finally went back on track. That's, of course, a stylistic thing, so if that was the intent then it worked...just as stated before not really my cup of tea. If you wanted to add more backstory, and characterization/drag out the suspense, then going to school could make for a good chapter break, and could be expanded a bit, then another chapter back to the latter sections. But again, style choice I guess lol.

All in all the writing isn't too bad. It seems a little...all over at times, but you stated why in the notes. Not a bad premise, though a little cliched, but I always like to see what will be done differently. I'll work on later chapters, in the AM.

-Tegh
1/26 c1 2J.Cousy
You asked if your chapters are too long and I think like everything with writing, that's purely subjective. That being said, I prefer shorter chapters that jump right in, quick pace, and then things slow down and chapters gradually becoming longer.

Your descriptions are full, which isn't too common these days. On this site in particular, there are some writers who have about zero description which is annoying. Unfortunately for me, this is too much description, and that made getting through this chapter a bit difficult. That first paragraph was ~160 words that didn't do anything except sound really good. It might be one of the best descriptions of running I've seen on this site and maybe even published. But by the time I finished, I didn't care. I don't know who this person is, so I don't care that they're running, no matter how beautiful it is.

This trend continues in the next paragraph, where - dang, it sounds really good - but I have zero sense of danger. Maybe a tempo/cadence change in the sentences would help.

You can obviously write. You have immense skill with words and that's obvious. My opinions are purely my own, so don't take them as anything important. Fun thing about writing is what works for some people doesn't work for others and vice versa

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