for Battlespace3/14/2007 c2 
13KimHua
Nice setup, again, although I found the continual narrative of the battle a little clinical. Having a closer viewpoint, even for just a little bit, would make the story more personal to the reader, and allow more emotional involvement.
I'm not sure about the FTL missiles... with relativistic velocities the energy release would be colossal, and from what I understand about the subject you certainly wouldn't need nukes (assuming I read your narrative correctly!).
Just a thought! :-)
13KimHuaNice setup, again, although I found the continual narrative of the battle a little clinical. Having a closer viewpoint, even for just a little bit, would make the story more personal to the reader, and allow more emotional involvement.
I'm not sure about the FTL missiles... with relativistic velocities the energy release would be colossal, and from what I understand about the subject you certainly wouldn't need nukes (assuming I read your narrative correctly!).
Just a thought! :-)
5/21/2006 c1 destructive criticism
Hi,just one point.avoid info dumps!
Tell from the perspective of your main character or whatever.
But NO INFODUMPS!they are boring and unnerving...
sincerelydestructive criticism
Hi,just one point.avoid info dumps!
Tell from the perspective of your main character or whatever.
But NO INFODUMPS!they are boring and unnerving...
sincerelydestructive criticism
5/2/2006 c5 Iceman
Excellent, please continue!
Excellent, please continue!
2/7/2006 c5 Captain Kurt Hoffman
I like this story. It's well-made.
I like this story. It's well-made.
8/13/2005 c5 1johnnyboy12
so this is a very wonderful Science fiction story!I can't wait to see what happens neXt!keep up the good work!
1johnnyboy12so this is a very wonderful Science fiction story!I can't wait to see what happens neXt!keep up the good work!
5/13/2005 c4 1Shogun Lodge
Oh, just as an aside, there's a pretty damn good war story out at the moment, Live! and Fight! at the front. You give them a read, if you can find it.
1Shogun LodgeOh, just as an aside, there's a pretty damn good war story out at the moment, Live! and Fight! at the front. You give them a read, if you can find it.
5/5/2005 c5 Shogun Lodge
Well, I rather enjoyed all that. Such a balanced war epic. I once tried writing a war story. I stopped because it wasn't a real war story any more. Anyway.
Well, that was good, really, it was. Your writing style is so clean, and easy to read that it meant that your pleasantly full chapters went down like ice cream.
Your Slithers, though underdeveloped, are an excellent enemy, with most of their power in the realms of the terristrial, you could probably shake up the US Forces with that.
All in all, a good story, but you need to update. And another thing, you had practically no spelling mistakes, which was nice.
And if you like the odd story about a librarian in a galatic rebellion, keep your eyes peeled.
Not literally, of course. That'd be painful.
Well, I rather enjoyed all that. Such a balanced war epic. I once tried writing a war story. I stopped because it wasn't a real war story any more. Anyway.
Well, that was good, really, it was. Your writing style is so clean, and easy to read that it meant that your pleasantly full chapters went down like ice cream.
Your Slithers, though underdeveloped, are an excellent enemy, with most of their power in the realms of the terristrial, you could probably shake up the US Forces with that.
All in all, a good story, but you need to update. And another thing, you had practically no spelling mistakes, which was nice.
And if you like the odd story about a librarian in a galatic rebellion, keep your eyes peeled.
Not literally, of course. That'd be painful.
3/23/2005 c2 1Lee901
With all the other crappy war stories out here, you're story really does what it was meant to do- and I've only read the first part. Sounds almost like Starcraft. Good job.
1Lee901With all the other crappy war stories out here, you're story really does what it was meant to do- and I've only read the first part. Sounds almost like Starcraft. Good job.
2/6/2005 c1 17Tessabe
I've been looking for this story because I wanted to review, Over all, this is very good, It's a little stiff for me, but that's your style.
The problem I thought of was that you said the Slithers sphere of influence was 10 light years, that's not very big. If I remember correctly the nearest star system to us is 50-100 light years from us. I don't remember the exact number, but it was much larger than 10 light years. If you changed that it would be more accurate. If I didn't think the story was worth it I wouldn't have tracked it down. Good luck with your writing
17TessabeI've been looking for this story because I wanted to review, Over all, this is very good, It's a little stiff for me, but that's your style.
The problem I thought of was that you said the Slithers sphere of influence was 10 light years, that's not very big. If I remember correctly the nearest star system to us is 50-100 light years from us. I don't remember the exact number, but it was much larger than 10 light years. If you changed that it would be more accurate. If I didn't think the story was worth it I wouldn't have tracked it down. Good luck with your writing
1/29/2005 c1 MiSSxMELON
I think this is a wonderful start to an awesome story, but the chapter was a little too short. I'm not saying there's something wrong with the style of writing short chapters (that's what I have a problem with), but there's a lot more explaining that should have gone in here. You did great on descriptions, but there's some history that needs to be explained. I, myself, have a lot of problems with that because it's great to draw in the reader, but there has to be a time where you sit down and explain things which is why most beginnings to books can be a little slow. This was a great start, but there should be some explaining pretty soon or it might confuse others.
GREAT story though!
I think this is a wonderful start to an awesome story, but the chapter was a little too short. I'm not saying there's something wrong with the style of writing short chapters (that's what I have a problem with), but there's a lot more explaining that should have gone in here. You did great on descriptions, but there's some history that needs to be explained. I, myself, have a lot of problems with that because it's great to draw in the reader, but there has to be a time where you sit down and explain things which is why most beginnings to books can be a little slow. This was a great start, but there should be some explaining pretty soon or it might confuse others.
GREAT story though!
12/3/2004 c1 8ExplicitRain
Absolutely excellent. I loved it and did not stop reading until I was finished.
8ExplicitRainAbsolutely excellent. I loved it and did not stop reading until I was finished.
7/2/2004 c5 Hate-me17
Finish It NOW!:)
Finish It NOW!:)
6/9/2004 c1 Wormhole
You asked to know if you changed it. My good Adimral, you Revolutionized it! An incredible story.
You asked to know if you changed it. My good Adimral, you Revolutionized it! An incredible story.