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12/7/2003 c1 SpyTrap
A few things:
"Jewels tumbling out of a sack." To speak for the average dirty-minded reviewer, this phrase brings a different image to mind than the one you probably intended.
"I feel totally safe, but..." Would he really feel safe even as he can feel that safety being taken away?
"Pushing me out into the light..." Ellipses tend to be way overused in poetry. They aren't in this particular poem, but even so, my general opinion on them is that they shouldn't be included unless you can justify their presence in... oh, say, eight ways.
"A tiny cottage at the end/Of a long road. A road that winds a path/To the top of the hill and beyond." These are fragments. Sometimes, fragments are effective in poetry, sometimes not. These particular fragments don't take away from the poem, really, but they don't add to it either, so I'd take the grammatically correct route and turn them into complete thoughts.
"I want to climb it, and see..." The comma is unnecessary.
"I stand in my schoolyard..." Saying "my" instead of "the" creates an entirely different tone. I don't know if you prefer it that way or not, but it's something to consider.
"Knowing what was to come..." "Was" should be "is."
"My angel was faster than the Angel of Death." What?
"Our two children were now all we two parents shared in common," Don't use the word "two" twice here. You could easily drop either one, or even both.
"A ghost, waiting for my own death." Aren't ghosts technically dead already?
"My boss decided that I was no longer fit for his firm, so leaving me nothing to cling to." Nonsensical.
I like the last two sentences better if they are joined, as one: "One final sleep, without end."
4/21/2002 c1 3shades of grey
that's so depressing. the painful realities of life. i just hope that anyone who is in such a situation can realize that there is always something to live for and that ending your life is never the answer to your problems. there is always a way to work through things
10/10/2001 c1 3Birdie
Wow. That's really wonderful. In reading your "50 things to do" lists I just about shot coke out my nose (it warrants mentioning here that I hate coke and therefore haven't had any in six months or so). I'd never have thought they came from the same brain as this - both are brilliant, just in very different ways, lol. You are truly, truly superbly talented.

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