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for Seasons

6/12/2006 c1 9carlabee
i like the idea don tno if it was done intentionally but i like the morning, noon, evenin and night it makes a very good structure for the poem :)the marshmallow i am guessing is clouds but it will always stay in my mind nwo :)
10/9/2001 c1 69Lowell Boston

Very beautiful. Is this a selfportrait of your on-line name? - season. I enjoyed the cyclical metaphors through the four seasons, buried under the romantic tones - both visual and literal. Well done. The only suggestions I could make are in some of the line breaks. Perhaps change - And, yawn,/ And his love sings with/ The chorus of the dawn - to And, yawn,/ His love sings/ With The chorus of the dawn. Make your lines more powerful by ending with powerful words - Sings, rather than 'with'. Also, try whenever possible to end a line so that when read it has one meaning, but then another when the next line is added. That's what I was after with my suggestion. Next, Perhaps change - Bees buzz, in the lazy haze clinging/ To the crystal river./ The Sun winks, from on high/ And I wish he'd stay forever - to - Bees buzz in the lazy haze, clinging/ To the crystal river. The Sun winks from on high/ I wish he'd stay forever. In this case I eliminated some of your commas, and the word 'and' from the last line of the stanza. Last, I'm not sure if you need the ******* breaks between your stanzas, unless you do wish each section to read as a separate poem on their own. Take the above as just suggestions and food for thought. Wonderful piece. Keep up the good work.


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