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for Lost in Time

1/8/2005 c1 18Fairbright
I like the idea you've presented here. I think it has a lot of potential. There are just some aspects of your writing that, if fixed, could turn this into an excelent story. If you don't want suggestions, then feel free to delete this review, but I really do think that, with a little work, you could have a great story.

1. "We were actually trying to get a little lego man not to fly into pieces." Say that out loud. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm not sure whether you wanted the lego man to fall apart, or whether you wanted to keep it from falling apart. I think you want want to say, 'we were actually trying to get a lego man to fly into pieces,' or ' we were trying to keep a lego man from flying to peices.2. Describe the time travel device a little better. Description is EVERYTHING. I can't quite imagine what you are talking about. More importantly, HAVE FUN WITH IT! Describing your written creations is one of the best parts of writing.3. Ok, a quick little note here, watch your verb tense (I used to have trouble with this ALL THE TIME.) Make sure all of your verbs are either in past or present (there are a few exceptions, but for the most part, all verbs should be in the seme tense.)4. You say that the watch and magnet flew in a diagonal direction at 50 mph in a diagonal path. You've already said its going in a diagonal direction, so you dont have to say it's going on a diagonal path.5. You say it should be 1:38, but instead you've gone back five minutes. That would be 1:33 instead of 1:35.

Ok, now that I'm done with that, I want to tell you again, that this really is an awesome idea. I hope you keep writing because that is the only way to improve. You've already developed a great style that draws the reader in. The last sentence is an EXCELNT way to end a chapter! Please keep writing! I want to find out what happenes next!

Feel free to email me if you have any questions, or if you just want to vent. Good luck with the rest of your story!
1/8/2005 c1 23Krystal Watters
first thing u gotta do: fix the layout...it's very hard to read...

once that happens, i'll give u a better review... so get cracking! ^.~
7/13/2000 c1 11Valerie Kaye
Nice idea, Josh. You have us set up pretty well to read on. Just one thing, proofread. 1:38 - :05 = 1:33 not 1:35. Also, a few spelling errors. Nothing real big. I do like how you've started, keep writing.
7/13/2000 c1 2Josh R
Excellent! I can not wait for the next chapter. This is one of the best I have read since Harry Potter. Could Josh R be the next J.K. Rowling?

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