Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Perfection

1/9/2002 c1 20Moloko Vellocet
A little groany, but interesting nonetheless! I've been reading some more of your stuff, and your love of Joaquin and JD is, strangely, just like one of my good friends. So I got a little weirded out. But I kept reading... so you'd better keep writing. ;) -MV
12/19/2001 c1 2dingbats247
that is really sad. i didn't even guess it was like that until the end. and i have been wondering a lot about this guy i'm completely obsessed with-how much of me would i be willing to sacrifice so that he would be happy?
12/19/2001 c1 Adelaide La Blanche-Dupont
This is a simple, concise idyll of love. Everything is reasonably well described and the feelings of the narrator carry through so that the story is believable. It uses a good majority of the love cliches, but it is very well structured and shows an unswervering emphasis on the concept of "true love" according to the narrator.

To improve this story, I would suggest that you would show not tell some of the emotions. The story is strongly visual which reflects its source-a movie in the author's head. However, if you are warming up for chapter 2, I would strongly suggest tension, so that the relationship is not as perfect as it seems, or at least a partial imposition from the boyfriend's perspective.
12/19/2001 c1 1Bitterscarlet
Not a Phoenix fan but I did like the story! It feels a bit unfinished though. Maybe just one more paragraph...with a twist perhaps. I love the 'acknowledged by science and art' idea.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service