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for In the Lion's Shadow

2/4/2003 c22 13Draic
Whoa. Okay. Um. Cool story, if a bittersweet brew… Very bitter, actually – no one totally won, but that’s war and reality for you. (So you’ve created a very ‘real’ fantasy). Bloodlust, heartache, death and hope all rolled into one. Sounds like an advertisement… The Epilogue is an interesting touch – drops in a heap of surprises (some nasty), but leaves the reader to use their imagination to fill in the blanks. Anyway, great story, and I hope to read some more from you soon!

Go Mei Ling! (I don’t know why, I just like her…)
11/22/2002 c3 Draic
Damn! I really have to work out a better way of balancing chapters with reviews. I know I have to stop every now and then to actually comment but it makes it so frustrating when I reach the end of a chapter and can't possibly read the next bit until I go on the internet again. Listen: You've struck gold here. This has all the possibilities and suspense of a professional piece of work. The characters are strong, the situation is well-constructed and your descriptions are breathtaking. The only thing that I might suggest (but only because I was concentrating on trying to say something constructive) is that language would have probably changed a century from now. Perhaps you could make up words for 'cool' or 'good' or 'bad' and use them instead of, say, 'cowabunga'. Keep going with this, you hear? KEEP GOING! Oh, god, where is that next chapter?
6/29/2002 c1 Kari Azara
Hi Wyndchymz...

5/24/2002 c1 8Jetso
Good start with the mention of violence. We've a got a little morbid curiosity in us and that really got my attention.

There's the mention of violence, but there isn't enough open conflict and strong emotions. Your character's quite serene, but opening with her isn't as full of conflict and gripping as it could be.

You're also throwing a lot of information and names at the reader. You've put it all in very well written readable prose, but its still hard for the reader to digest all of it. You could try spreading the information out into future chapters where the character's musing or feeling pensive. Or simply remember to reprise all of it in case one forgets. Especially on FF.net it could be quite some time before on reads the next chapter (eye-strain)

Your language is precice and fluid. It flows well, not at all clunky or uncomfortable to read. You've got some very pretty descriptions, but they feel a tad vague. You might want to be a little more concise with the. The planet was shining, but what colour was it? Size? Shape? Distinguishing features? ...etc...

The way you ended the prologue was most intriging... a semi-cliffhanger... going to muse about it a while before coming back...

Sorry. Hope I don't sound too critical. I really do like your story, despite suggestions of improvement.
5/12/2002 c5 Ms Urania
Great chapter, as always. It's getting very intriguing. I like that you've actually thought about how the rebel groups work; some writers tend to just throw details it in without thinking them through.

Oooh, I just went back and read the end of Ch. 3. Did you re-write it? I might be wrong, but it seems like you did and it seems better. Although, if I am wrong-ignore me!
4/28/2002 c4 Ms Urania
Wow! This is really amazing and I love the idea, but I do have a question or two:

Why did they put their families in a cryogenic freeze? I mean I know it was for their safety, but as this was presumably a democracy, not a monarchy what would be the point of freezing them-they wouldn't have any type of power back on earth.

How old are Gwyn and the rest? If they have been in the space for 15 years and were about 5 or 6 when they were frozen, they're in their early twenties, right?

There were quite a few implasibilities in there, like how easily her friends let her go in this chapter, but I did really get sucked into the story. Sorry, if I sound really critical-just trying to be a good reviewer! But please keep going, this is really good.
4/27/2002 c4 Kari Azara Darkmage
Wow, Wyndie, that rocks! "All knowing Mei" sounds just like... Oh yeah, she's meant to... Never mind.

You've written Gwyn sooo well, she is such a real character...

Just a little tiny thing I noted, in chapter II, (I think...), um, I might be wrong, but I think where you said 'contralto' you meant alto, perhaps? Contralto, if memory serves, is a very high, unnatural male voice type, which tends to be a little shrill in speaking...
4/2/2002 c2 40That Firefly Chick
I like this; you're an awesome writer. By the way, I know I should keep the swearing in my stories down to a calmer level but I can't help it. Swearing is, like, addictive or something. I'm trying to not swear in stories and such all that much, though. And by the way the san on the end of people's names is a form of respect. Sorta like Miss or Mr.

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