for Legends No Nihon5/28/2002 c9 
1Little Ucchan
^^;; As i know... most of those ppl should be dead instantly. Especially with the ferocity you displayed with describing the battle with Hunter in the lead. That did feel like six minutes. As for writing style, it was somewhat hard to follow. You have a GREAT imagination with the word choice, what moves to execute, in which order and what not. It was superb. But it was long. You have a tendency to have too many run-on sentences with so much action packed into it (although i recognize that this is your style) that it becomes overwhelming to the reader. You might think that overwhelming is good, which it is. But it came to a point, for me, that i couldn't tell the difference between a comma and a period. And there should be. If you want to really shock the readers and pull them in, have them lost in all the action instead of just rushing through the sentences, you need more breaks. More variation in sentence length. Place more emphasis on certain actions. Draw more attention to some and hardly any to others. For instance, a lot of the moves were graphic. But they were rushed, so the reader doesn't have enough time to fully grasped what happened to a certain challenger, already being thrown into what happened to someone else. You might want this effect. The illusion of blurred action where it all happened so fast. But still, it's hard to follow. I wouldn't change any of the descriptions. Just how you present it. For instance, if you really want someone to hurl, put one of the moves Hunter is using in the perspective of the unfortunate victim. That will definately make more ppl cringe, especially if you dwell on it a little longer. Also, to show brutality, writing more about the women, and how he had no distiction or sympathy between sexes would be a nice addition. And i just went off. If you want me to look for some more, since you wanted me to analyze your battle writing style, just ask, k?
1Little Ucchan^^;; As i know... most of those ppl should be dead instantly. Especially with the ferocity you displayed with describing the battle with Hunter in the lead. That did feel like six minutes. As for writing style, it was somewhat hard to follow. You have a GREAT imagination with the word choice, what moves to execute, in which order and what not. It was superb. But it was long. You have a tendency to have too many run-on sentences with so much action packed into it (although i recognize that this is your style) that it becomes overwhelming to the reader. You might think that overwhelming is good, which it is. But it came to a point, for me, that i couldn't tell the difference between a comma and a period. And there should be. If you want to really shock the readers and pull them in, have them lost in all the action instead of just rushing through the sentences, you need more breaks. More variation in sentence length. Place more emphasis on certain actions. Draw more attention to some and hardly any to others. For instance, a lot of the moves were graphic. But they were rushed, so the reader doesn't have enough time to fully grasped what happened to a certain challenger, already being thrown into what happened to someone else. You might want this effect. The illusion of blurred action where it all happened so fast. But still, it's hard to follow. I wouldn't change any of the descriptions. Just how you present it. For instance, if you really want someone to hurl, put one of the moves Hunter is using in the perspective of the unfortunate victim. That will definately make more ppl cringe, especially if you dwell on it a little longer. Also, to show brutality, writing more about the women, and how he had no distiction or sympathy between sexes would be a nice addition. And i just went off. If you want me to look for some more, since you wanted me to analyze your battle writing style, just ask, k?
5/28/2002 c8 Little Ucchan
Character portrayal of Gond was beautiful. She's a fairly charming girl, full of energy and an extraordinary talent for healing. What's a bile? I know I know. I'll look it up. But you can really... i dunno... see, feel, in your heart or with your mind the kind of situation that surrounded 'Cretis and Gond at the clinic. How long has the tournament been on and already there are so many wounded? It's amazing. And i swear if that boy is who i think it is... ::sniff:: I thikn i'm gonna cry. I don't want it to be him! ::ahem:: anyway, moving on... i actually did not find anything "bad" or whatnot to say about this chapter. It was executed really well.
Character portrayal of Gond was beautiful. She's a fairly charming girl, full of energy and an extraordinary talent for healing. What's a bile? I know I know. I'll look it up. But you can really... i dunno... see, feel, in your heart or with your mind the kind of situation that surrounded 'Cretis and Gond at the clinic. How long has the tournament been on and already there are so many wounded? It's amazing. And i swear if that boy is who i think it is... ::sniff:: I thikn i'm gonna cry. I don't want it to be him! ::ahem:: anyway, moving on... i actually did not find anything "bad" or whatnot to say about this chapter. It was executed really well.
5/27/2002 c1 1miss ballerina
great! love the names! (did youreally make them up yourself?)
Good action!
P.S:Thanks for the reviews!
1miss ballerinagreat! love the names! (did youreally make them up yourself?)
Good action!
P.S:Thanks for the reviews!
5/22/2002 c1 8Cinnabar Scarlett
Great story! I like it alot! Jsut two minor peeves: There's no plural of Japanese words (so it would be like one kappa, many kappa), and 'nihojin' means nothing in Japanese. If you mean the word 'nihonjin', it means Japanese person, not 'japanese'. But anyway, I really really really like your story! Read my fic if you get time!
8Cinnabar ScarlettGreat story! I like it alot! Jsut two minor peeves: There's no plural of Japanese words (so it would be like one kappa, many kappa), and 'nihojin' means nothing in Japanese. If you mean the word 'nihonjin', it means Japanese person, not 'japanese'. But anyway, I really really really like your story! Read my fic if you get time!
5/22/2002 c10 Neko-chan Too Lazy to Sign In.-which happens a lot
I love it so far! It's great and wonderful and I hope you write the next chapter REALLY soon! *hint hint nudge wink* ^_^
~Neko-chan
I love it so far! It's great and wonderful and I hope you write the next chapter REALLY soon! *hint hint nudge wink* ^_^
~Neko-chan
5/13/2002 c2 4Kyani Star
Wow, this is really good! The imagry that you use is awesome! The way Soun talks is very...
interesting. All in all, two thumbs up!
~Kyani :)
4Kyani StarWow, this is really good! The imagry that you use is awesome! The way Soun talks is very...
interesting. All in all, two thumbs up!
~Kyani :)
4/29/2002 c8 68Neko-chan1
Oooooo...love it so far! More please! *grin grin* Eh...it's WAAAAAAAY better than my stupid fantasy fic, Dragon's Lady. *kicks said story* Anywho, keep up the great work! ^.~
~Neko-chan
68Neko-chan1Oooooo...love it so far! More please! *grin grin* Eh...it's WAAAAAAAY better than my stupid fantasy fic, Dragon's Lady. *kicks said story* Anywho, keep up the great work! ^.~
~Neko-chan
4/29/2002 c7 1Little Ucchan
AHH! More characters! ^_^ So we get to go into Tyco's and Psyver's personalities more. You know, never thought Psyver would react that way in the beginning. Not did i think she'd have a FIANCEE! ::sigh:: You'd really think she's the... i dunno. The loner type i guess. Can't wait to find out what she does to Raih whenever it is she gets her hands on him! Okay. Take back the previous statement of dominant females, although there is a healthy dose of those type of characters. Here now we get an introduction to two good looking males, Raih and Nyhkerr. Although Raih's acting like a snot-nosed bastard of a man. ^_^ I automatically took a liking to Nyhkerr's personality! He's soooo cool! ^_^ I really liked how you portrayed him and all. But please, was the boy Marissa was logging in really... Nyhkerr? Please no! =( See, i took a liking to him. Don't want anything bad to happen to him. LOOK WHAT YOU DID! ::sigh:: I like another fictional character. ::sniff:: Ah well! ^_^ That's one MORE to my list! Hehehe... Here comes the technical part of my review... ::sigh:: Sorry. I did find the French (English) dialogue rather distracting. Even though I DID say do whatever the hell you want, I'll still give you my opinion on it, and it did take away from the overall flow of that scene with Tyco. I honestly scanned over the French to the English translation, and in doing so, lost momentum. Other than that i REALLY liked this chapter! Not much of Psyver in this one though. =( But it was a nice introduction to the other characters that are to be participating in the tournament. I especially loved the twins. ^_^ Getting into the Egyptian background are we? You going to include Celtic and Norse next? Then you'll be complete! ^.^
1Little UcchanAHH! More characters! ^_^ So we get to go into Tyco's and Psyver's personalities more. You know, never thought Psyver would react that way in the beginning. Not did i think she'd have a FIANCEE! ::sigh:: You'd really think she's the... i dunno. The loner type i guess. Can't wait to find out what she does to Raih whenever it is she gets her hands on him! Okay. Take back the previous statement of dominant females, although there is a healthy dose of those type of characters. Here now we get an introduction to two good looking males, Raih and Nyhkerr. Although Raih's acting like a snot-nosed bastard of a man. ^_^ I automatically took a liking to Nyhkerr's personality! He's soooo cool! ^_^ I really liked how you portrayed him and all. But please, was the boy Marissa was logging in really... Nyhkerr? Please no! =( See, i took a liking to him. Don't want anything bad to happen to him. LOOK WHAT YOU DID! ::sigh:: I like another fictional character. ::sniff:: Ah well! ^_^ That's one MORE to my list! Hehehe... Here comes the technical part of my review... ::sigh:: Sorry. I did find the French (English) dialogue rather distracting. Even though I DID say do whatever the hell you want, I'll still give you my opinion on it, and it did take away from the overall flow of that scene with Tyco. I honestly scanned over the French to the English translation, and in doing so, lost momentum. Other than that i REALLY liked this chapter! Not much of Psyver in this one though. =( But it was a nice introduction to the other characters that are to be participating in the tournament. I especially loved the twins. ^_^ Getting into the Egyptian background are we? You going to include Celtic and Norse next? Then you'll be complete! ^.^
4/29/2002 c6 Little Ucchan
Ah... the infamous Psyver Iki-Jigoku... You know, I do agree with this one comment a reviewer made, that Psyver's general layout resembles Lina Inverse from Slayers. ^_^ Lina's not so... silent though. ^^;; Anywho... heh. I'm really starting to see a female dominance in this fic here. I thought the second woman was going to be, how should we say, more "pleasant" compared to the first. She almost did too with the beginning description you did and also her opening line. It didn't seem forceful until she mentioned that thing about not having pity on weak warriors. ^^;; And the men! Geez, such babies! My God! I've never seen such a wussy boy! Anyway, looking at this from another angle, the set up (rules) for the tournament were well thought out. For one thing, you get the impression that this tournament is going to be looooong. None of that straightforward stuff, unless there is some all-powerful competitor that just kicks ass. ^_~ Then the competition would end rather quickly ne? On the technical standpoint, although the announcements were informative, maybe a few more breaks inbetween the large paragraphs, or adding in some action (i.e. speaker wipes the sweat off his brow, or the clear-the-throat thing) to have effective breaks so that the reader can kinda catch up and have everything sink in better. You know, take in a stronger root, add more color into the dialogue and all that junk. All the unnecessary crap. ^_^ But the one thing i REALLY liked was towards the end. Psyver's grand entrance. That was set up rather nicely. The subtle entrance. The nonchalant stand. Classic! If i notice anything else, i'll be sure to point it out to you. ^_^ Ja ne!
Ah... the infamous Psyver Iki-Jigoku... You know, I do agree with this one comment a reviewer made, that Psyver's general layout resembles Lina Inverse from Slayers. ^_^ Lina's not so... silent though. ^^;; Anywho... heh. I'm really starting to see a female dominance in this fic here. I thought the second woman was going to be, how should we say, more "pleasant" compared to the first. She almost did too with the beginning description you did and also her opening line. It didn't seem forceful until she mentioned that thing about not having pity on weak warriors. ^^;; And the men! Geez, such babies! My God! I've never seen such a wussy boy! Anyway, looking at this from another angle, the set up (rules) for the tournament were well thought out. For one thing, you get the impression that this tournament is going to be looooong. None of that straightforward stuff, unless there is some all-powerful competitor that just kicks ass. ^_~ Then the competition would end rather quickly ne? On the technical standpoint, although the announcements were informative, maybe a few more breaks inbetween the large paragraphs, or adding in some action (i.e. speaker wipes the sweat off his brow, or the clear-the-throat thing) to have effective breaks so that the reader can kinda catch up and have everything sink in better. You know, take in a stronger root, add more color into the dialogue and all that junk. All the unnecessary crap. ^_^ But the one thing i REALLY liked was towards the end. Psyver's grand entrance. That was set up rather nicely. The subtle entrance. The nonchalant stand. Classic! If i notice anything else, i'll be sure to point it out to you. ^_^ Ja ne!
4/19/2002 c1 Warpt Chaos
Since it's late, I'm not about to read ALL of this tonite. But from what I've rad so ar, this is good!
Since it's late, I'm not about to read ALL of this tonite. But from what I've rad so ar, this is good!
4/19/2002 c6 Kaeru Shisho
Hey! I return from the Slayers universe in which I am immeshed in a our current 4 part story arc of "Next" proportions to R&R for you. To be honest, I got a bit lost in the rules-explanation part (trouble concentrating...probably more me than you). I REALLY liked how you handled the intros and descriptions of the fighters, however. The important ones got the attention and others faded away. I was really getting into the last one when... it was done! Continue Allegro very soon so I can find out how well I paid attention to those blasted rules! Okay, so I can re-read them but... I'm proud! Enjoy writing! Look forward to more!
Hey! I return from the Slayers universe in which I am immeshed in a our current 4 part story arc of "Next" proportions to R&R for you. To be honest, I got a bit lost in the rules-explanation part (trouble concentrating...probably more me than you). I REALLY liked how you handled the intros and descriptions of the fighters, however. The important ones got the attention and others faded away. I was really getting into the last one when... it was done! Continue Allegro very soon so I can find out how well I paid attention to those blasted rules! Okay, so I can re-read them but... I'm proud! Enjoy writing! Look forward to more!
4/16/2002 c6 The Unsigned In. Neko-chan
I love this! This is wonderful! Please update soon!
I love this! This is wonderful! Please update soon!
4/12/2002 c5 Little Ucchan
::Remaniscing on the time I had studied mythology:: Brings back memories. Ah well. Now, what could this tournament be for, i wonder? ^_^ I really can't wait to see what the myth, the tournament, the slayer, and the dragons have in connection to one another. But, I bet there's still going to be more little separate storylines and more subtle hints as you write chapter 6 and beyond.
::Remaniscing on the time I had studied mythology:: Brings back memories. Ah well. Now, what could this tournament be for, i wonder? ^_^ I really can't wait to see what the myth, the tournament, the slayer, and the dragons have in connection to one another. But, I bet there's still going to be more little separate storylines and more subtle hints as you write chapter 6 and beyond.
4/12/2002 c4 Little Ucchan
Ah! Here we see a few subtle hints connecting the chapters together! The reader can now make a few assumptions that would hopefully be proven true or false as the story progresses? I didn't comment on plot just yet because of the major differences between the first three chapters, like one reviewer mentioned, different storylines soon coming together. Now why is Psyver slaying dragons; what is their connection to the world; is it possible for the slayer to be connected to the tall tale told during the prologue? Who knows. Answers will hopefully be coming soon.
Ah! Here we see a few subtle hints connecting the chapters together! The reader can now make a few assumptions that would hopefully be proven true or false as the story progresses? I didn't comment on plot just yet because of the major differences between the first three chapters, like one reviewer mentioned, different storylines soon coming together. Now why is Psyver slaying dragons; what is their connection to the world; is it possible for the slayer to be connected to the tall tale told during the prologue? Who knows. Answers will hopefully be coming soon.