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for then she died2 (updated)

6/28/2003 c1 1Pound
major advice: You cant change words and grammar and such...just to get them to rhyme. See the last to lines of your poem..."I just cant beleive you dead?" that's like saying...i dont know...something bad that doesnt make sense. (dont sacrifice meaning for rhymes, all the time, we did smoke that dime, thank you and goodnightime)

"She was strong, she never cried,

And then one day…she died."

Okay, that was...brilliant. Yes. She died. I'm...all in awe of you. cuz you see how this is so very...brilliant.

suzie was a mother

she raised a bunch of kids

and then she died.

i just cant believe its that bad?

see, we can be just as brilliant as you. :).
2/8/2003 c1 Zekk Karst
Ouch to this one, too. I like this one better but, I think you should rearrange the lines a little. The other one seemed a bit...stronger. I think that was because of the way you organized the lines. In this one you have some powerful lines but, you drown them out. Anyway, I liked it. It's sad. Makes people think...
10/14/2002 c1 5The Crazy Cricket
Sad...

Very Good!
9/19/2002 c1 Rose Dark Thorn
This was much more powerful than the origional. I think this one is much better, but origionals are important too. I really like this one. It was very touching to the heart.
5/25/2002 c1 8Keron
Both are good... But i still like the first one's last ending lines. Could you sub them around a little, oh, I dunno, make it something like this-

"And now you're gone with so much unsaid

I just can't believe you're dead.

...

Why didn't you tell me

That for every tear you did not shed

A drop of blood was being bled?"

Okay, it doesn't have the same flavour. Darnation.
5/25/2002 c1 DarknessAngel3
omg... this is really gd! its really emotional and god, it makes me sad just reading it... its great!
5/8/2002 c1 12Daredee
The last line...

it should be I just can't believe you're dead not you dead.

but it rules and it makes me sad reading it...
5/2/2002 c1 20Backwards Into A Wall Of Fire
hi, u reviewed one of my poems so i decided to check urs out. I really liked this poem. I can get into this persons head and feel what they are feeling. good poems. i'm addin u to my fav, authors list.

Jen
5/1/2002 c1 bLoOdYhAnDs
i think the first one was betta, cause i think that line and for every tear she never shed, a drop of blood was being bled. goes really well int he last line cause it's a reelie powerful line.. wellz.. juss a suggestion! ^-^
5/1/2002 c1 29Sarah aka DEVI
I like the second one the best. But it was a very hard decision.:) Keep up the amazing work!
5/1/2002 c1 40TK Styles
Ok I have read both versions of this poem and I have to say it was a hard decision but I'm going to say I like the second one better. It gives the reader better insight to the emotions being felt at the time. Although I have to say I like how you ended it the first time. You really could almost make this version into a completely different poem and let it stand on its own. Well written poems, both of them. Can't wait to read more of your work. Well I hope this helps you and if you have some time please review some of my poems. Peace
5/1/2002 c1 24lighted eagle
yep, thats right i'm reviewing my own work ;) help! i need to know which ones i better...the old version (which by the way hasn't been removed o_O) or this one ne suggestions would "be very much appreciated" thanx...

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