for Destroy Man8/10/2002 c1 
9conrade sapfeather
i enjoyed this fic. i didnt so much enjoy it as find it weird, but i enjoyed it nonetheless. i like the ambiguous nature of the narrative. the complaints of your first two reviewers are from the old school against pure creativity (they probably dont even like free jazz), so keep up the good work!
9conrade sapfeatheri enjoyed this fic. i didnt so much enjoy it as find it weird, but i enjoyed it nonetheless. i like the ambiguous nature of the narrative. the complaints of your first two reviewers are from the old school against pure creativity (they probably dont even like free jazz), so keep up the good work!
7/30/2002 c1 24Katy Of Doom
Okay, I read your story and Suz4eva's review 'cause I'm weird like that and like to read other people's reviews. Anyway...what she said about thoughts not being in quotes is wrong. Thoughts do go in quotes. I'll use her example:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*"I'm fat and ugly," the pretty girl thought.(That's correct)
The pretty girl thought that she was fat and ugly.
(That's correct)
I'm fat and ugly the pretty girl thought.
(That's wrong)
The pretty girl thought, "I am fat and ugly."
(That's correct)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Okay! There's your happy little English lesson for the day! Sorry for acting like a teacher.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Anyhoo! About your story...it was okay, but I think you could improve it a little. Like, the name John Smith could be a hell of a lot more creative. And tell us why this guy is walking into a lab. Does he work there or something? The part where you say, "The boy and John screamed ah!" is...umm...bad. Change it to "The boy and John screamed, 'Ahh!'" OR "The boy and John screamed." I don't even understand the chemical part, so I can't help you with that. Also, saying that the thing on his wrist was a watch kinda confuses stuff since you later say that it's not a watch. You should probably say it was watch-like and it would really improve the story if you would describe it more. Give your readers a mental picture. Also, it would be interesting to know what's going through John's head at this point. By the way, it's spelled "thingamajig". And "How'll I get there, "wings!" should be changed to "How will I get there? WINGS!" It makes is seem more like he's just realizing that he has wings. It always helps to be descriptive in stories. I'd be interested to know more about what the creature looks like. Okay, I think that's all. This story could have a lot of potential if you'd just be more descriptive :o).
(I know it's kinda rude to say this in a review, but I'd really appreciate it if you would R&R some of my stories. I really love getting reviews! Thanks muchly!)
P.S.- I'm so sorry I sound like a teacher!
24Katy Of DoomOkay, I read your story and Suz4eva's review 'cause I'm weird like that and like to read other people's reviews. Anyway...what she said about thoughts not being in quotes is wrong. Thoughts do go in quotes. I'll use her example:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*"I'm fat and ugly," the pretty girl thought.(That's correct)
The pretty girl thought that she was fat and ugly.
(That's correct)
I'm fat and ugly the pretty girl thought.
(That's wrong)
The pretty girl thought, "I am fat and ugly."
(That's correct)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Okay! There's your happy little English lesson for the day! Sorry for acting like a teacher.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Anyhoo! About your story...it was okay, but I think you could improve it a little. Like, the name John Smith could be a hell of a lot more creative. And tell us why this guy is walking into a lab. Does he work there or something? The part where you say, "The boy and John screamed ah!" is...umm...bad. Change it to "The boy and John screamed, 'Ahh!'" OR "The boy and John screamed." I don't even understand the chemical part, so I can't help you with that. Also, saying that the thing on his wrist was a watch kinda confuses stuff since you later say that it's not a watch. You should probably say it was watch-like and it would really improve the story if you would describe it more. Give your readers a mental picture. Also, it would be interesting to know what's going through John's head at this point. By the way, it's spelled "thingamajig". And "How'll I get there, "wings!" should be changed to "How will I get there? WINGS!" It makes is seem more like he's just realizing that he has wings. It always helps to be descriptive in stories. I'd be interested to know more about what the creature looks like. Okay, I think that's all. This story could have a lot of potential if you'd just be more descriptive :o).
(I know it's kinda rude to say this in a review, but I'd really appreciate it if you would R&R some of my stories. I really love getting reviews! Thanks muchly!)
P.S.- I'm so sorry I sound like a teacher!
7/20/2002 c1 70Suz4eva
Ok..Thoughts are not in quotes for example: I am fat and ugly the pretty girl thought. Not- "I am fat and ugly" The little girl thought. By the way what are you 8? "When it spilled on him a watch appeared on his wrist. It was not a watch but some kind of button thingy magig. " you already called it a watch.. That is not understandable. please take care
-Suzums
70Suz4evaOk..Thoughts are not in quotes for example: I am fat and ugly the pretty girl thought. Not- "I am fat and ugly" The little girl thought. By the way what are you 8? "When it spilled on him a watch appeared on his wrist. It was not a watch but some kind of button thingy magig. " you already called it a watch.. That is not understandable. please take care
-Suzums