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7/21/2002 c1 19Mother Mercury
it reads very well, and should definately be put to music, however

the repetetive line 'i'm high' brings in unnecessary drug meanings. The song seems to be about insanity, not toking up, and saying 'i'm high' gives it that unfortunate teeny bopper 'drugs are kewlies' kick to it.
7/16/2002 c1 31in other words
It definatly reads like a song. Very efective.

The lines "can you understand me" seem a little out of place, and I had to re-read a few times... and "i'm high" doesn't really seem to fit until you literally look up the words "consecrate" and "desecrate". Cool sounding words, but a little overdone and not necessary for a poem/song about teenage angst and love.

Repetetiveness is good, not tidious or anything. Short lines vs. long lines is an awesome effect for poetry. Nicely balanced, but a little bit of overkill with the uncommon words.

I really hope it's not intended to be pop music. ;)


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