for Children of a Dying Sun: Part One: Faded Dreams4/13/2004 c10 
3Rivana
The pace has changed, it is very fast and confusing, it can work for a while, but you need to get back to your original speed soon. Will be nice to see how this all fits together, hope you fins your outline, I know what it's like picking things up after a long while (been guilty of it myself a few times...:o))
The whole this so far is all and all very nicely done allthough the chapters you haven't revised will of course need some in the future, but for now I suggest you focuse on moving along... :o) I'll be back to check on this I think...
Love/Rivana
3RivanaThe pace has changed, it is very fast and confusing, it can work for a while, but you need to get back to your original speed soon. Will be nice to see how this all fits together, hope you fins your outline, I know what it's like picking things up after a long while (been guilty of it myself a few times...:o))
The whole this so far is all and all very nicely done allthough the chapters you haven't revised will of course need some in the future, but for now I suggest you focuse on moving along... :o) I'll be back to check on this I think...
Love/Rivana
4/13/2004 c9 Rivana
Yes! This one was very good and what I had been waiting for. It will be most interesting to see where things go from here...
Yes! This one was very good and what I had been waiting for. It will be most interesting to see where things go from here...
4/13/2004 c7 Rivana
Good way of intrdoducing the rest of the main charaters. Also good to focus most attention on Blade though.
Good way of intrdoducing the rest of the main charaters. Also good to focus most attention on Blade though.
4/13/2004 c6 Rivana
I like that you've included trains. It helps keep the atmospere of mystique in the air.
I like that you've included trains. It helps keep the atmospere of mystique in the air.
4/13/2004 c5 Rivana
Creepy ending on this one. Nice closure to unwillingness to leave home. Always best to cut the ties by force when you have a confused character.
Creepy ending on this one. Nice closure to unwillingness to leave home. Always best to cut the ties by force when you have a confused character.
4/13/2004 c4 Rivana
When Odin speaks of three things it's a bit confusing what the first thing is. You might want to add. "Firstly, I want you to know that..." I had to reread the sequence to make sense of why I could only find two reasons.
This was also well written, it pays off to revise a story now and again... :-))
When Odin speaks of three things it's a bit confusing what the first thing is. You might want to add. "Firstly, I want you to know that..." I had to reread the sequence to make sense of why I could only find two reasons.
This was also well written, it pays off to revise a story now and again... :-))
4/13/2004 c2 Rivana
Very realistic this one, once again your work with imagery and also feelings are great.
Very realistic this one, once again your work with imagery and also feelings are great.
4/13/2004 c1 Rivana
This is intriguing and a promising start. Your imagery is very good and you paint a magical atomsphere in the study. Good workd... Will go on reading now...
This is intriguing and a promising start. Your imagery is very good and you paint a magical atomsphere in the study. Good workd... Will go on reading now...
9/9/2003 c4 Steven
I think the story would flow better if you didn't have so many long sentences.
I think the story would flow better if you didn't have so many long sentences.
9/9/2003 c1 Steven
That was some pretty good writing. The only thing I would suggest is that you not use the same words so close together. It ruins the flow.
That was some pretty good writing. The only thing I would suggest is that you not use the same words so close together. It ruins the flow.
9/7/2003 c9 2AerinBrown
Yeah! New chapter!
This one was quite interesting. Some parts kind of confused me (like who some of the people were who let the orbs go) but I'm not really worried about that because I'm sure that it will be explained in later chapters (right?)
The last section made it sound like Blade was gaining some type of power, since the thing on his legs flew off and Degas flew into his hand, so I hope that's what you're going for.
I must say, I'm very interested to know what is going to happen next. And I can't wait until all the 'Children' are together and I can see who they are and what they're going to do.
Can I assume that the crazy girl is a Child? Is she really crazy?
I hope that Evelyn is going to show up soon, though you did say that she was going to be reintroduced, so...
Keep writing!
2AerinBrownYeah! New chapter!
This one was quite interesting. Some parts kind of confused me (like who some of the people were who let the orbs go) but I'm not really worried about that because I'm sure that it will be explained in later chapters (right?)
The last section made it sound like Blade was gaining some type of power, since the thing on his legs flew off and Degas flew into his hand, so I hope that's what you're going for.
I must say, I'm very interested to know what is going to happen next. And I can't wait until all the 'Children' are together and I can see who they are and what they're going to do.
Can I assume that the crazy girl is a Child? Is she really crazy?
I hope that Evelyn is going to show up soon, though you did say that she was going to be reintroduced, so...
Keep writing!
6/2/2003 c8 AerinBrown
This was interesting. A kind of abrupt introduction of the new characters, but it works! Can't wait for the next chapter!
This was interesting. A kind of abrupt introduction of the new characters, but it works! Can't wait for the next chapter!