for Love of an Angel4/26/2009 c10 Jesse
Hey, I was just reading it, and I found it really awesome. Despite the fact that I'm a guy, I actually love reading stories like these. I don't really tell anyone though, cos people would think I'm gay. Anyway, I think this is a really awesome series! Hahaha! In my head I can imagine the way all of the characters look like. And I even drew my interpretation of Mitsukai. But, I hid it, cos, y'know, people might get the wrong idea about me.
You should work on the spelling and grammar. Always check spelling, please? A lot of readers would appreciate it more. :)
You're a good writer. Just mind your spelling and gramar.
~Jesse Madigan
Hey, I was just reading it, and I found it really awesome. Despite the fact that I'm a guy, I actually love reading stories like these. I don't really tell anyone though, cos people would think I'm gay. Anyway, I think this is a really awesome series! Hahaha! In my head I can imagine the way all of the characters look like. And I even drew my interpretation of Mitsukai. But, I hid it, cos, y'know, people might get the wrong idea about me.
You should work on the spelling and grammar. Always check spelling, please? A lot of readers would appreciate it more. :)
You're a good writer. Just mind your spelling and gramar.
~Jesse Madigan
8/4/2006 c4 Osanagokoro
-There is also the excessive use of the word 'nonetheless' and it has thus far always been used out of context-I don't like the way Mitsukai jumps from the slang of 'shoots' to words like 'nonetheless' and 'comprenend;' it feels like you don't have a firm enough grasp of his character-Use of the sentance 'stopped dead in their tracks' is also redundant. Gotta watch out for those popular but overused sentances!-How did she come to the conclusion that he was an angel? Last time I checked, she was still in denial about that. And as far as I know, she is too dense of a character to put together all that has happened and 'assume' that Mitsukai was 'dumped from Heaven'-The prediction 'he's probably going to kill you' takes all the suspense out of Mitsukai's attack-Replace 'fainted' with 'unconscious'-Use of 'her face' redundant-All right-since he's been assigned as a Guardian Angel, I guess that explains how he knew where she lived, but it does not explain how he got around her mom. But she knew Rual fell in a puddle-the only other person who knew that was Mitsukai. Plotholes...-'After a few seconds' redundant. Look out for these!
Lemme know if I should stop, yeah...? ^_^U
-There is also the excessive use of the word 'nonetheless' and it has thus far always been used out of context-I don't like the way Mitsukai jumps from the slang of 'shoots' to words like 'nonetheless' and 'comprenend;' it feels like you don't have a firm enough grasp of his character-Use of the sentance 'stopped dead in their tracks' is also redundant. Gotta watch out for those popular but overused sentances!-How did she come to the conclusion that he was an angel? Last time I checked, she was still in denial about that. And as far as I know, she is too dense of a character to put together all that has happened and 'assume' that Mitsukai was 'dumped from Heaven'-The prediction 'he's probably going to kill you' takes all the suspense out of Mitsukai's attack-Replace 'fainted' with 'unconscious'-Use of 'her face' redundant-All right-since he's been assigned as a Guardian Angel, I guess that explains how he knew where she lived, but it does not explain how he got around her mom. But she knew Rual fell in a puddle-the only other person who knew that was Mitsukai. Plotholes...-'After a few seconds' redundant. Look out for these!
Lemme know if I should stop, yeah...? ^_^U
8/4/2006 c3 Osanagokoro
-'...encircled the two of them in a circle,' is redundant-Team captain against team captain? I thought they were all in the same school...?
Yeah...there's that one.
-'...encircled the two of them in a circle,' is redundant-Team captain against team captain? I thought they were all in the same school...?
Yeah...there's that one.
8/4/2006 c2 Osanagokoro
And the ruthless criticism ensues!
-How did the angel know where to take her?-Why didn't her mother call the doctor earlier? And how did she know that her daughter had hit her head at school?-Bumps do not last that long-Use of '6th period' redundant-Alana asked Rual to call her? When?-'heavy stack of papers'-too many words-The use of the word 'replied' is used out of context way too often
And that's still just scraping the surface. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh at all. Maybe I should quit this?
And the ruthless criticism ensues!
-How did the angel know where to take her?-Why didn't her mother call the doctor earlier? And how did she know that her daughter had hit her head at school?-Bumps do not last that long-Use of '6th period' redundant-Alana asked Rual to call her? When?-'heavy stack of papers'-too many words-The use of the word 'replied' is used out of context way too often
And that's still just scraping the surface. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh at all. Maybe I should quit this?
8/4/2006 c1 Osanagokoro
Well, you asked for constructive criticism and here's the bare bones of what I've got thus far-
-Never use 'Grocery-list' descriptions.(Ex: she had blonde hair, green eyes and was 5ft 4. A better way to write it would be that 'she had long hair that any barbie doll could be envious of. The set was complete with her model's frame and height, not to mention eyes like emeralds.' Something that just flows, you know? Also, there is no need for specific height-if you want to specify how tall someone is in comparison with someone else, just say so at the moment you need to. -Plays out a lot like a manga, rather than an actual story-is this the effect you were going for? I'm used to stories being in story format.-How can Rual feel that way about Chance and feel that he is like an older brother at the same time?
All in all, this is a VERY manga-esque starting to a story. Definetly not something I'm used to. Then again, my intros have always been kind of drawn-out. Check out my site in three days and you'll see what I mean! ^_^U
Well, you asked for constructive criticism and here's the bare bones of what I've got thus far-
-Never use 'Grocery-list' descriptions.(Ex: she had blonde hair, green eyes and was 5ft 4. A better way to write it would be that 'she had long hair that any barbie doll could be envious of. The set was complete with her model's frame and height, not to mention eyes like emeralds.' Something that just flows, you know? Also, there is no need for specific height-if you want to specify how tall someone is in comparison with someone else, just say so at the moment you need to. -Plays out a lot like a manga, rather than an actual story-is this the effect you were going for? I'm used to stories being in story format.-How can Rual feel that way about Chance and feel that he is like an older brother at the same time?
All in all, this is a VERY manga-esque starting to a story. Definetly not something I'm used to. Then again, my intros have always been kind of drawn-out. Check out my site in three days and you'll see what I mean! ^_^U
1/31/2004 c27 faithfuldescent
OMG. I love this story so much. It was so sad. But also stunningly beautiful. It was like the movie "City of Angels"
OMG. I love this story so much. It was so sad. But also stunningly beautiful. It was like the movie "City of Angels"
11/11/2002 c27 
2Fumi Ayakoganei
Sad sad ending, yet happy at the same time. ^_^ Congrats to that.
But is it me or does Rual doesn't seem to remember her meeting with Mitsukai? O_o I was confused on that part. Or she still remembers, but chose to leave the past behind? @_@ Man, you gotta make a sequel! Good luck!
2Fumi AyakoganeiSad sad ending, yet happy at the same time. ^_^ Congrats to that.
But is it me or does Rual doesn't seem to remember her meeting with Mitsukai? O_o I was confused on that part. Or she still remembers, but chose to leave the past behind? @_@ Man, you gotta make a sequel! Good luck!
11/9/2002 c26 Fumi Ayakoganei
Damn evil cliffhanger (again)...*death glare*
Oh well, but if Mitsukai and Rual *ahem ahem* then Rual can have a cutie lil baby just like Erin did! Iris ish so cute! O_o No, I'm not dirty. It's just me! XD
Damn evil cliffhanger (again)...*death glare*
Oh well, but if Mitsukai and Rual *ahem ahem* then Rual can have a cutie lil baby just like Erin did! Iris ish so cute! O_o No, I'm not dirty. It's just me! XD
11/9/2002 c25 Fumi Ayakoganei
EVIL CLIFFHANGER!
Write more! Mitsukai has to confess! Don't leave the poor thing stuck half way!
EVIL CLIFFHANGER!
Write more! Mitsukai has to confess! Don't leave the poor thing stuck half way!
11/8/2002 c24 2Deledar
Ur story is sooo kewl i love it! If any authors wrote storys like this(i mean like 2 poeple fall in love)plz contact me i love reading love storys!
2DeledarUr story is sooo kewl i love it! If any authors wrote storys like this(i mean like 2 poeple fall in love)plz contact me i love reading love storys!
11/7/2002 c24 2Fumi Ayakoganei
That was so sad...Poor Erin...*sniffles* No wonder the guy sounds suspicious.
Mitsukai's in trouble...Then again, since when he doesn't? *sweatdrops* More!
2Fumi AyakoganeiThat was so sad...Poor Erin...*sniffles* No wonder the guy sounds suspicious.
Mitsukai's in trouble...Then again, since when he doesn't? *sweatdrops* More!
11/6/2002 c23 Fumi Ayakoganei
Yay! Update! *glomps you*
Mitsukai's making it a lil too worse...*sweatdrops* But, I hope it's a happy ending! Chaoz! =^-^=
Yay! Update! *glomps you*
Mitsukai's making it a lil too worse...*sweatdrops* But, I hope it's a happy ending! Chaoz! =^-^=