We lay in the clearing, the ocean breeze cool on our skin, the ancient Oak dappling our skin with light and shadow.
I look up at my lover's face, the angles softened by sleep, his deep brown hair ruffled gently by the soft breeze.
I sigh quietly, almost to myself.
I remember the war, both of them, the Internal and External.
I can't quite remember which one was worse:
The External: full of blood, death, the sour stench of fear, and the spicy sent of battle lust.
The Internal: full of pain, despair, hopelessness, and alone, always alone.
I shake my head a little, not wanting to wake him.
No, not always alone.
I had my friends, still do.
Now I have my family, those who I thought I lost.
I had my old love, but he's found someone else.
Just as I have.
I stare at the underside of my wrist.
At the marks: the scares of a life past.
I remember my loves, the old and the new, kissing these scars.
Telling me how much it hurt them to see me do that to myself.
I didn't understand them then.
But I do now.
I had no reason to live, no reason.
The External war was tearing our countries apart.
The Internal tearing me apart.
I so wanted to die, wanted to just disappear, to be more then nothing, empty, void, to be what I felt I was.
I was tired of trying to keep this feeble body alive.
Tired of worrying for a soul that I didn't think was worth saving.
I threw myself into the External war.
Without regard for my own life.
A life I cared nothing for.
I embraced Death - I've been flirting with It for long enough – I embraced Death, and made It my lover.
But It didn't take me.
And for that I'm glad.
Sometimes I wonder: Is it worth it? Was it all worth it?
Every thing that had happened during that time…
Sometimes I wonder…
A tan hand gently takes my wrist, bringing the fair underside to soft rose pink lips.
Kissing gently the old scars, of my past life.
Deep, soft, jade green eyes gaze into my own.
He smiles, and I smile in reply, to the love in those eyes.
As I lean down to kiss my friend and lover, I smile.
I smile as I tell the doubt in my mind:
Yes, it was all worth living for.