11Author's Note: For those of you who don't understand, I have this thing called humor. I posted this story purely for entertainment. If you have a problem with it, I'll be happy to listen, but please do not tell me to rid it of your presence. I find THAT offensive. To tell someone that their work is not worth reading is not only hurtful, but very rude. I am not purposefully disrespecting a certain religion, but simply satirizing religion in general. I apologize to those who have been offended by this story, but so that doesn't happen again, I'm telling you right now that if you can't take a joke about organized religion…STOP READING! Thank you.
The Story of God
Chapter One: The Creation of the Earth
Millions and billions and trillions of years ago, God got off His lazy ass and said to Himself, "Self, I have this lovely hunk of rock just taking up space in my galaxy, why don't I make it into a habitat for all beings I create." And so, He cracked his knuckles and got to work.
On the first "day", we all know it wasn't really a day because a day consists of 24 hours and God works slower than that, I mean c'mon, miracles take time. Anyway, on the first "day" He separated the hunk of rock and the atmosphere above it. "Now I have a great bachelor pad from myself…and a hunk of rock. I'll call my home: Housing for Every Abandoned, Virtuous, Extraordinarily Noble Someones, 'HEAVENS' for short. And this hunk of rock shall be called: Easy And Rough Terrain Habitat, 'EARTH'. After His hard "day" of work, god took a short break, only to realize His newly made 'Earth' was without light. "Damn, ok, I'll just take one of these start thingies and put in the middle of this circle of rocks, and voila! I give you…SUN!"
The next "day", God thought long and hard about what else his new Earth needed. "Water, everything need's water." So, with the powers invested in Him, God hacked the largest loogie He could muster. When the mucus started to separate from the saliva, God discovered it made a nice cushiony terrain. "Now my creation will have soft land, and somewhat fresh water. Sweeeeeeet."
On the third "day" God said to Himself: "Self, I need some aminimals on my earth. I shall create: lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and—well, you get the point. It'll be just like the animal crackers I used to eat as a kid!" And so, God created the animals of the earth.
Shortly after, God realized what a mistake He made when He gave the animals no food. "I really got myself into a pickle this time!" God said and pondered what He could create on the fourth "day" to feed His poor, starving aminimals. "Howsabout, vegetation? I mean, there can be fruit, vegetables, trees bushes, all the goods." And so, God created vegetation for all His cannibalistic animals who started eating each other because they had no other choice.
God was just about to treat himself to a lavender bubble bath when He realized something. "I have no man on my earth. Who will worship me? Who will sacrifice their lives to follow my great wisdom? Who will buy my pretty presents?!" This upset God very much. "I must create man!" So God gave His magnificent arms a good stretch, cupped His hands together, created a ball of energy (which soon turned into mass, defying the laws of physics I know, but this is God we're talking about, He created physics…supposedly) and sent down to earth, Cornelius, the first "son" of God.
Now, I say "son" because, technically, Cornelius had no mother. Anyway, God sent Cornelius down to earth and was like "Cornelius! Go in the kitchen and make me some pie!" And Cornelius was all "Damnit God, make your own damn pie!" This pissed God off to the MAX! So he banished Cornelius to eternal hellfire and damnation, and making pies.
God thought long and hard about what went wrong, so he could create the perfect son, Hubert. Again, He tried by cupping his hands, creating a ball of energy (which soon turned into mass…shut up about physics!) and sent Hubert down to earth. And God says to Hubert, He says: "Hubert! My first "son" did not devote himself to making me happy by making me some damn pie! Make me some pie!" And so he did.
So then God says to him: "Hubert! You are the perfect son! Now go knit me a sweater." But Hubert rebelled and said "NO! I made you your damn pie and you're not getting your sweater until I get some lovin' from a lady folk!" So God banished him to an eternity of hellfire and damnation, in a catholic, all boys "school". And by "school" I mean prison.
Just about when God was thinking of giving up, He got an idea. "Instead of making balls of energy (which soon turn into mass, because I created everything so I can break the laws), I'll make a man out of man-doh®. Self, what do you think of that?" And self answered, "God, why are you talking to yourself? Go make a man!" And with that, God created the "first", and by first I mean third, man, created from none other than the ever so popular man-doh®!
After creating His man, God sent him to earth, and said: "Son! I shall call you Adam, and you shall worship me!" Now, for some unexplained reason, Adam felt this was a reasonable request and so he agreed.
Finally, after the crisis of man was over, God took one last look at his earth and said to Himself: "Self, we're missing something here, but what?" God thought and thought and thought and thought and thought until a little vice cried to Him. It was his oven timer, he had been making pies. "I know!" God shouted. "I'll ask Adam. Adam?"
"Yes God?"
"Please, son, call me Father, or at least 'The Almighty, All Powerful, Eternal Lord-Like Master." God corrected. "I was wondering if you were missing anything while on earth?"
Adam though, "Well, it's a little lonely down here. And these things you call ribs? I think I have too many." So God demanded that Adam remove one of his ribs and thus created Eve, the first woman of earth (hmm, successful on the first try eh?). I know what you're thinking, I missed a step, but I didn't really, because Eve was created from Adam's rib and let's face it, God works in mysterious was people. And so, on the sixth "day", God created woman. It would have been sooner, but He took so damn long creating man that the fifth "day" was over before He knew it!
Finally, god reached the seventh day. He knew that threw was nothing left for him to create for His earth, so he finally got a chance to take his lavender bubble bath. Just as He was settling in, God received a call on the 'God Phone'. "What the hell? Who calls at this time of night?" It was non-other than the Angel Carrie, the angel of fashion wisdom.
"God? I have to pee." God rolled his eyes and answered: "Then use the toilet."
"There are no toilets in Heaven! Honestly God sometimes I wonder if you're sane enough to rule Heaven." So God waved His hand and like magic, there were toilets in Heaven and the Angel Carrie was eternally grateful.
And so, in those short seven "days", God created not only Earth, but also three men, a woman, land, water, Heaven, eternal hellfire and damnation, and most important: toilets.