My Uncle Joey forgot it was Christmas Eve
And He hadn't gone shopping yet!
He didn't even make a list
Of what he was supposed to get!

So standing in the bathroom at work
While jacking off into the stall
Uncle Joey came up with an idea
I'll go to a "special" mall!

"My children won't see the difference"
"Between a toy and a ball gag"
"And just to make sure of this"
"I'll cut off every tag"

So he zipped up his trousers
And walked out to his car
He headed for the "special mall"
Down by the old Gay Bar

It was the only place open
On This nightmare of a Christmas eve
He walked into the first sex store
He was greated an employee, Steve

Steve had no family
But fuck he really didn't care
He was in a store full of
Dildos and crotchless underwear

Well anyways.. Uncle Joey then
Looked around the store
Buying things for his wife and kids
the oldest kid was only four

When he was finished shopping
He went over to pay for his things
Steve said "you can have it all for free"
"If you put on these bondage rings"

Uncle Joey then replied and said
"Well I don't know If I should"
Then Steve dissapointedly replied
"I guess I missunderstood"

Uncle Joey then asked
"What did you misunderstand?"
Then Steve slowly looked and said
"Usually I make men melt on command!"

"I guess I lost my touch"
"I never should have tried..."
Then Steven fell down to the floor
Uncle Joey watched as he cried

Then Uncle Joey realized and thought
"Oh fuck I should really run"
"But I can't get away quickly now"
"This bag fucking weighs a ton!"

So Uncle Joey Ran away
Without any of his shit
He didn't know what to do anymore
He was just about to quit

When and old woman limped by
And very soft spokenly said
"I've got somthing for you dear"
"I'm sure that you'll drop dead!"

She said for him to close his eyes
And open his hands to recieve
Somthing so miraculous
Somthing he wouldn't believe

She placed the item in his hands
Then started to mumble a strange prayer
He opened his eyes to see what it was
And it was the old womans underwear