By Michael O'Hare
(PLEASE NOTE: NO HUMAN EAR IS INVOLVED IN THIS STORY. I LIED.)
My aunt told me this story when I was in visiting the extended family during Thanksgiving, and I just thought it was funny enough to make an entire story out of it. I'm not giving out any names, largely because the only human involved in this story is someone whose name I don't know. Or, maybe it was mentioned in the story, and I don't remember it.
This man, whom my aunt knows through work, I believe, came into the possession of a dog. This dog had not had an easy life, and, as a result, was quite blind. In fact, it was completely blind. It finally managed to get some measure of good luck when it met the guy my aunt knows, from know own to be referred to as "the guy." Having a soft spot for animals, he took it to his home, to give it a good home.
The first night this dog spends in its new home, the guy's son was eating a bag of chips at the dinner table. Nothing unusual with that, right? Everyone does it. Even me, only I don't eat chips. I eat goldfish. Not goldfish crackers, actual goldfish. While they are alive. I'm a cruel, heartless monster who enjoys torturing fish.
Anywho, everyone in the house eventually went to bed, the bag of chips was left innocently on the table, and that was that. Only that wasn't that. What was that? This is that: Remember how I said this dog was blind as a bat? Well, keep that in mind, because it's going to come into play soon.
The next morning, the guy wakes up, goes into the kitchen, and finds the dog on the floor, dead as all get-out, with the bag of chips over its head. This isn't something you expect to find on your kitchen floor first thing in the morning, so I can only imagine how this guy reacted. You can imagine, too, if you want. Hell, you can reenact what you'd think his reaction is in your own kitchen. But, if you're going to use props, don't use an actual dead dog. Either use a prop dog, or train your dog to play dead long enough for you to go "OH MY GOD THE DOG DIED!"
So, what happened? Something pretty damned funny, if you ask me. See, the dog was blind, completely blind, but its sense of smell was still top-notch, and it was able to seek this bag of chips with little to no problem. Upon finding these chips, it just dove right in. RIGHT in! It started eating like a little doggy king, up until the point it started suffocating. Being blind, it was unable to find its way out of the bag.
I'm not kidding. It got lost in a bag of chips, and suffocated. The next day, this poor guy came into the kitchen to find the dog very dead, on its back, its legs sticking into the air, a bag of chips over its head. You can see how I can find this funny, right? I mean, damn, I'm having a hard time writing this because I'm laughing so hard! And don't think the guy wasn't laughing, either! After getting over the initial shock of finding this dead dog, my aunt told me, he chuckled at it, too. A blind dog drowning in a bag of chips because it couldn't find its way out of a bag.
I don't care what anyone says, that's funny as Hell!
(At least for that dog, it's the end! HA HA HA HA HA!)
This story is owned by... Well, that's a touchy subject, isn't it? Is it owned by me? Is it owned by my aunt? Is it owned by the guy who had the dead dog? Damned if I know. I'll just say my aunt owns it, because that just makes things easier for me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! HAAA ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Wa ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, GOD, that's funny!
See, this is why I prefer cats.